Seperis (seperis) wrote,

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survival guide to assure your life doesn't end in ritualmurderdeath

My only excuse is that work was super slow and it was this or a slow slide into insanity.

Adapted and expanded from:
1.) Creepypasta Survival Guide
2.) Creepypasta Survival Guide, another version

Split into convenient sections for ease of reading

In the Home:
1.) Mirrors – avoid staring into them when the room is dark. If you do and you see something, avoid touching the mirror to verify that it’s you. If you do touch the mirror—why would you do that? Don’t even go near it. See above; don’t stare into the mirror in the dark.
2.) Mirrors, continued - if something tries to emerge from it, you have no reason to stick around to see what it is. Run.
3.) Mirrors, continued - if it starts reflecting things that aren't in the room, get rid of it.
4.) Mirrors, continued - if it stops reflecting you, one, get rid of it, and two, consult a professional for a verification of your soul's continued existence.
5.) Stairs – if it's late at night and you hear a mysterious noise, don’t go down, up, or sideways. If you have to go down/up/whatever, and you see a doll/object/small child/thing with wheels, really don't go down them. Get a rope and lower yourself if you gotta get down, but honestly, just go back to bed and get under the covers. It's the cat. It will always be the cat.
6.) Always have a Bible next to your bed. Provides reading material, proof of beliefs, and a really heavy & effective object to throw at enemies.
7.) If your walls bleed phrases that make no sense, try reading them backwards. (REDRUM-->MURDER, for example)
8.) If your walls are bleeding at all, get out and burn down the house. Home owners insurance will cover your loss.
9.) If one wall miraculously survives unburned, never stop running.
10.) Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you. You can also blame all mysterious/spooky/terrifying noises on it.
11.) Watching TV static for long periods may be hazardous to your health. Try satellite TV or cable to combat this problem. Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Internet streaming are also effective.
12.) Listening to radio static; people still listen to the radio? Get Sirius or Pandora. No static and no commercials!
13.) If watching a particular movie has a reputation for causing insanity/murderspree/suicide/etc, you have no reason to watch it. Check out The Big Bang Theory. Awesome show.
14.) If listening to a particular song has a reputation for causing insanity/murderspree/suicide/etc, don’t buy it. If it comes on the radio, turn it off. If you hear it in your head, kinda too late for you, sparky.
15.) If you hear the faucet dripping, don't go turn it off; wait until morning and call a licensed plumber. If you decide to go do it anyway and find it's not dripping at all, leave the house immediately and don't return until morning. Contact a realtor for a fast sale.
16.) Hiding under the covers until morning is a legit method of dealing with evil. More blankets, more cover.
17.) Don’t look under the bed. This is especially true if a voice tells you to. This is really, really true if it insists you shouldn’t.
18.) If your sweet-tempered and obedient dog begins to bark hysterically at an individual entering your house and the words ‘he’s never acted like this before’ are on the tip of your tongue as an explanation, consider the possibility there’s a reason for that.
19.) If someone makes a point that you have to formally invite them into your home before they can come inside, don’t do it. A head-jerk or a gesture is good enough for anything human.
20.) If you wake up at night to hear wailing/chanting/chains/speaking in tongues, don’t go check. Especially if you have to navigate stairs. It's the cat. It's always the cat.
21.) If the painting in the living room keeps following you with its eyes, one, what the fuck were you doing putting it there, and two, why did you buy it? Get rid of it. Preferably burn it with fire in the sink.

Real Estate:
1.) When buying a home with a miraculously lowered price, ask about recent events as well as historical ones. If the real estate agent looks shifty/perky/way too invested in this sale, google the shit out of that when you get home. If your house is part of the regular Murder Tour of Murdering Murderers Who Murder A Lot, this should be a factor in your buying decision.
2.) If you feel uncomfortable/jumpy/spiritually unclean after touring a house, don’t buy the house. That should go without saying.
3.) If while touring the house, your small child returns talking about his/her new friend they met in the attic/cellar/former nursery/anywhere in that goddamn house, leave immediately. The city, too. The weather anywhere else would be better for your life.
4.) If you buy a perfectly normal house that you have exhaustively checked for evil and receive a set of keys and one of them is exceedingly ornate/has a mysterious spot of blood on it and doesn’t seem to go with anything in your house/garage/yard, get rid of it immediately and contact the realtor for a short sale.
5.) Avoid buying houses with large attics, damp cellars, multiple floors with unnaturally steep stairs, or fireplaces of unusually large width and questionable usage.
6.) If a door you’ve never seen before mysteriously appears in one of your rooms, don't open it. Immediately go spend the night with your mother. The next day, contact a realtor for a potential short sale.
7.) If basic physics is being broken with monotonous regularity in any room, move out and call your real estate agent for some buyers. If gravity stops working, call from the next state over.
8.) There's no reason to even tour the mysteriously deserted ranch with a history of cattle mutilations and mysterious lights at night. What the hell are you thinking?

Travel and Driving:
1.) If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution, take some time to consider what you're doing there, then, if it is appropriate to do so, leave.
2.) This also applies to anything at night in which the word ‘creepy’ and/or ‘abandoned’ can be prefixed (see; hospitals, orphanages, Victorian houses, amusement parks, small towns)
3.) When going to a hotel, try to steer clear of unauthorized areas. If you couldn't resist but you saw a red thing/white thing/teeth/twin blonde girls holding hands, heard crying/laughing/voices/small twin girls giggling, take some time to consider the price range and hotel standard on your next visit. Have you ever stayed at a Haunted Hilton? Four Seasons? The Ritz?
4.) When booking your hotel stay, Trip Advisor or Expedia reviews can be an invaluable tool in deeming whether your choice is the scene of a multiple murder, full of dead people, site of a recent successful human sacrifice, or built at the mouth of hell. Local newspapers can also be helpful. Again: GOOGLE IT.
5.) Don't stay at the creepy castle or French chateau. Anywhere.
6.) Don't go to hotels if there's a chance of hurricane/blizzard/strangely pointed natural disaster guaranteeing isolation. The best you can hope for is rampant cannibalism.
7.) When sightseeing or taking tours and the locals are overwhelmingly enthusiastic about your presence, run. Now.
8.) If a field of corn is near the town, don’t get out of the car: keep driving.
9.) If you want to visit a cemetery, do it at noon on a clear day with zero chance of showers. If you see clouds, go back to your room and order a movie.
10.) If you're trying to pick a place to camp, avoid places associated with multiple deaths and mysterious legends and/or bear attacks. Obviously.
11.) If you go camping in the woods and find a cabin, you should probably leave it alone.
12.) Avoid quaint harvest festivals in picturesque hamlets that seem to be extremely prosperous and have low to no unemployment. The economy right now is terrible.
13.) If a potential summer camp for your offspring located by a picturesque lake seems to have a high mortality rate, consider letting them stay home and join the YMCA instead.
14.) Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the center of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself, do you really want to travel to an ancient and terrifying city? If the answer is "no," then stay at home instead, and watch whatever quality programming is available on Cinemax.
15.) Secret secluded untouched places in old buildings are left untouched for a reason. Pioneers never say “die” but in fact they do have an unusually high mortality rate.
16.) If attending a dinner party by a gourmand with several mysterious dishes containing meat you don’t recognize and the host makes puns regarding the dishes that make sense only to him/herself, excuse yourself as a vegetarian and avoid future invitations.
17.) If you realize halfway through the meal it's human flesh, avoid hysterically accusing the host of cannibalism at the dinner table. Everyone will think you’re crazy, and he/she’ll think you’d benefit from a slow roast and mint glaze.
18.) If someone stops your vehicle at night and asks to come with you, it would probably be in your best interests to politely decline.
19.) Conversely, if you see someone dressed in outdated clothing on the side of the road in the middle of a long stretch of deserted road at night, keep driving and report their presence at a well-lighted and well-populated gas station. This is a situation for AAA.
20.) If you see their faces on a Missing Poster from fifteen years ago as you walk in, feel good about your life choices and immediately forget the entire thing.
21.) If you accidentally run someone over, don’t drag their body into the forest and place in a shallow grave near your home to conceal your horrible crime. Do it somewhere else, like Alaska or Madagascar. If you’re in Alaska, consider Peru. There’s no reason not to take advantage of a language barrier with the supernatural.

Shopping and Acquisitions:
1.) Garage sales – if the item looks damaged/dusty/inoperable/mysteriously interesting and you feel drawn to buying it for the low, low price of ten cents, it’s evil. Walk away. Bargains can be found anywhere.
2.) Estate sales – tons of high quality and strangely like-new condition antique furniture sold at IKEA prices is a big no. Especially if they come in sets with mirrors. Go to IKEA instead. Everything's color coordinated!
3.) If that second hand TV keeps randomly coming on at night, don't go check it. Lock your bedroom door, turn on all the lights, and get under all the blankets. It's the cat. It's always the cat. In the morning, unplug it and set it by the road to become someone else’s problem.
4.) If it talks to you, LEAVE THE HOUSE UNTIL MORNING. Visit your BFF or mother. See above for further actions.
5.) If something tries to emerge from it, LEAVE THE HOUSE DO NOT WAIT. See above for further actions.
6.) If your new headphones start playing music when unplugged, take them off, put them in the sink, and set them on fire.
7.) Never allow someone to take a picture of you with an old/outdated camera. If they do it anyway, expose the film immediately and burn the remains. If they get a picture anyway, don’t view it; burn it. With fire. Also, question your relationship with this person.
8.) Don’t try on that mysterious, perfectly preserved wedding dress in the wardrobe you never saw before in your grandmother’s/mother in law’s/older relative’s attic. Especially if it has a haunting yet vaguely familiar smell.
9.) If the trunk is locked, don’t unlock it. If you have to unlock it, don’t try on the clothes. If it contains the mouldering body of a woman in a wedding dress who according to family legend mysteriously disappeared during a game of hide and seek on her wedding day, you have only yourself to blame for the nightmares.
10.) Quaint local stores – if the proprietor’s face is always covered and they’re subject to speaking in proverbs, seek a chain store for your shopping needs.
11.) If the proprietor of a store doesn’t want to sell you the interesting lamp/fascinating footstool/antique mirror/small unknown furry animal, trust he/she knows best and choose something else.
12.) In addition, if the proprietor insists an item is meant for you and you alone, leave immediately. If he/she offers to give it to you for free, run.
13.) If you acquire a set of VHS tapes with unreadable and/or inexplicable labels, don’t play them; burn them. In the sink. With fire. Also, you have a VCR? They still sell those?
14.) If you buy a high quality used car for way below Blue Book from a haggard parent whose son died under mysterious circumstances in or near it, look for less questionable options for your transportation needs.
15.) If you find it showing up in your driveway anyway, call a tow company and personally watch it be compacted and turned into scrap metal. Then set the scrap metal on fire. Add salt if desired.
16.) Don't get an Ouija board and immediately say you don't believe in those kinds of things. That's kindergarten level no.
17.) If a magic 8-ball gives you anything but "Yes", "No", or "Maybe", destroy it. In the sink. With fire.

Jobs and Careers:
1.) If you’re considering a career as an antique dealer specializing in strange and mysterious items with questionable history, consider alternate, less specialized employment opportunities.
2.) If you’re an archaeologist/anthropologist at the doorway of the cursed room that kills everyone who’s ever goes inside it, leave immediately and instead read about the dead people’s findings published in legitimate academic journals in your field.
3.) If you are police officer, state trooper, FBI agent or any person of authority and you have two days left until retirement, ask for a desk job to finish up your paperwork and go home early. Ignore all new cases and for God's sake, don't take one last look at that mysterious cold case you never did quite figure out.
4.) If you’re a mystery or horror writer and the newspaper articles begin to bear a startling resemblance to what you wrote the night before, it might be time to take a break or a cruise.
5.) If you’re a fake paranormal investigator in this to swindle people, there’s no way this ends well for you, so invest in sufficient life insurance to care for your family and pay their psychiatric bills after your mysterious and highly traumatic death requires them to identify your hideously mutilated corpse at the morgue.
6.) If you’re mysteriously called into work late at night unexpectedly and no one else is in the building and the lights are off, go home and enjoy your weekend.
7.) If you're a cartoonist/animator and your creations come to life, burn them with fire in the sink before they realize killing you will make them real.

Internet and Games:
1.) If you get a mysterious email that tells you to forward it or you will die, delete it immediately and purge your trash. Consider deleting that email address entirely and block the friend who sent it to you. Conversely, send it to people you hate or your exes.
2.) If you are browsing the Internet and a colorful pop-up that says "You Win", "You Lose", or "You Die" appears, for god's sake do not click on it.
3.) If you get a link to a youtube video that has the reputation of driving everyone insane who ever watched it, content yourself with hilarious videos of cats on roombas instead.
4.) If no matter what link you click, you keep getting the same mysterious video, clean out the cache, close your browser, and restart. If that doesn’t work, burn your computer and bury it in consecrated ground. Frye’s and Best Buy both have great sales regularly for a good replacement.
5.) If you acquire a used computer and find a hidden folder full of video files with nonsensical or distressing names, don’t watch them. Delete them, purge your trash, and restart. If the files don’t go away, see above and don’t buy used again.
6.) If you one day find your favorite game already started and playing itself, see above. If it plays better than you do, feel inferior while you do it.
7.) If you find 666 messages on your phone, mailbox, email, etc consider changing the said service provider. Also don’t bother listening /reading the messages. It’s spam. Extra dimensional, possibly, but spam nevertheless.

Love and Marriage:
1.) If invited on a date with someone who seems extraordinarily eager to have you visit their home at night to see their remodeled basement, remind them you have to work early in the morning. Don't accept a second date. Please.
2.) If you’re in a long term relationship and your SO seems to be reluctant to introduce you to his/her reclusive rural family who don’t like strangers and are known for their meat products/gun collection, don't insist.
3.) If he asks you to marry him and upon acceptance, insists on a specific date (winter solstice, equinox, day of the dead, anniversary of the mysterious disappearance of his first wife), reconsider your compatibility.
4.) If you later come to find that his wealth is inherited from parents who died in a short period of time in highly unlikely accidents during his early childhood, think about where this relationship might be headed. Especially if he has political ambitions.
5.) If he says he’s the antichrist/the Devil/Evil and wants you for his bride to bear his monstrous offspring, politely decline, lose your virginity to the first person you see, change your identity, and move to a new location.
6.) If his house has a locked room/basement/attic that he feels it necessary to forbid you access without explanation, stifle your curiosity and initiate a breakup.
7.) On the other hand, if he suddenly wants to show you it despite earlier refusals, especially if it's at night when the moon is full and/or new, express a lack of interest and a sudden desire for ice cream and leave. To another state. Don’t go back. Ever.
8.) If they are mysteriously adverse to either 1.) sunlight. 2.) nights, 3.) very specific spices, 4.) silver, 5.) water, 6.) cats, mull the less picky fish in the sea.
9.) If the only way you can keep/marry them is if you steal their skin and hide it when they come to shore, that's not a healthy relationship and it's going to end badly for you. Also, you are fucking creepy, dude.
10.) If she has nine tails or possesses the attributes of a fox, you need to sit down with Wikipedia way before the wedding and think about how this ended for everyone in history.
11.) Verify any and all eating habits/food allergies, especially if they make strangely pointed references toward wine or want to talk about regular bloodplay.

Pregnancy and Childbirth:
1.) If a mysterious group of strangers seems deeply interested in your attempts to conceive your first child, question them on their motives and then file for a restraining order.
2.) If they chant encouragement outside the bedroom window during the full moon, call the police, get that restraining order, and consider adoption as a viable means of reproduction.
3.) If your SO thinks this is normal, move to a secure location and initiate divorce proceedings.
4.) If raw meat, blood, and/or human flesh become a feature of your meals during pregnancy and your doctor seems okay with this, get a new doctor.
5.) If at the birth anyone is struck blind/goes insane/weeps for succor from a deity/hangs self, remind yourself that environment is important to the growth and development even of an antichrist.
6.) If people randomly scream in terror and/or kneel upon beholding your newborn progeny, consult a religious figure for advice.
7.) If said religious figure has a heart attack upon seeing the child, consider choosing a catchy title for yourself, such as Mother of the Beast and remind yourself that most parents worry about future employment and yours will gain him/her the title Destroyer of Worlds. Think about how you will rule the PTA with a fist of iron.

Friends and Family:
1.) If your friend that you’ve known since childhood suddenly doesn’t remember key childhood memories, becomes enchanted with sharp objects, or breaks into random chanting with tongues while eyes glow fluorescent, consider suspending the weekly lunch date for a while.
2.) If you acquire a new circle of friends who tend to urge you to ritually kill everyone ever and your family states they’ve never met them and you haven’t left your room in weeks, consult a psychiatrist and take all the pills he recommends.
3.) When exploring dark caves/haunted houses/mysterious disappearances, take a disposable friend for emergency sacrifice purposes. Leave immediately afterward and never return. Send nice flowers to the funeral.
4.) If your casual friend asks you to explore dark caves/haunted houses/mysterious disappearances, at least leave a will or something for your heirs.

Life Advice:
1.) If you need to sign it in blood, you do not need to sign it. All mainstream governing bodies will accept contracts signed in ink. Bear this in mind if offered deals that seem too good to be true.
2.) If you hear chanting, run until you are out of earshot.
3.) If any contract or transaction requires a.) your soul, b.) your service for a term longer than the human lifespan, c.) your firstborn, d.) what you value most, or e.) an unknown service you will one day be called upon to perform, you might want to reconsider your value system.
4.) Invoking demons, speaking weird languages and performing rituals of any kind is considered dangerous. Refrain from doing that, especially around Abandoned Warehouses, Churches, Psychiatric Institutions, Forests and your house in front of a mirror at night.
5.) When looking for inexpensive ways to fill your prescription, avoid any pharmacy or online pharmaceutical company that carries “Blood Of The Innocent”, “Virgin Tears”, “Human Suffering”, ”Snake Oil”, and “Radioactive Syrup”. If any of it is in cuneiform or hieroglyphs, you have no business there at all.
6.) Avoid using the One True Name of anything. There’s a reason it has a nickname.
7.) Don’t visit a fortune teller.
8.) If you do, and they stare at the cards and go deadly white in horror, pay (add a tip for good measure) and politely leave without further interaction.
9.) Don't count on holy water. Get a sturdy vial of sulfuric acid and let a priest consecrate it.
10.) Lose your virginity. It's no end of trouble.
11.) If a distant, eccentric relative known for picking up weird knick-knacks/buying questionable real estate/upsetting villagers dies under extremely mysterious/deeply unsettling/parts of the remains are still missing circumstances, accept nothing and I mean nothing from that will. Don't even go to the reading.
12.) If you are that eccentric relative, get a new hobby. Knitting, maybe.
13.) If anyone asks for your blood that is not a medical professional in a medical setting, say no.

1.) It can’t be said enough; if you see a secondhand doll with eyes that seem to speak to you or your child seems suspiciously attached to, don’t buy it.
2.) If you visit a new acquaintance with a wide variety of dolls that she calls her babies and resemble babies to the point where you feel deeply uncomfortable, politely leave.
3.) If she offers you one, don’t take it.
4.) If it shows up at your house anyway, burn it. With fire. In the sink.
5.) If your child becomes unnaturally attached to an unattractive and/or misshapen doll that no one sane would ever want to touch, burn it now.
6.) If it starts to show up in unusual places (stairs in the middle of the night, on a table the kid couldn’t possibly reach, on your chest when you wake up in the middle of the night staring at you with glassy eyes), one, why the hell didn’t you burn it, two, BURN IT NOW.
7.) If people start mysteriously dying in your home of inexplicable, extremely unlikely accidents since the doll moved in, I’m not getting why it’s not burned yet, BURN IT NOW. WITH FIRE. IN THE SINK.
8.) If you wake up to your kid standing by your bed holding it in one arm and staring at you with a blank expression, the hand behind their back is holding a knife. MOVE. NOW. RUN. You should have burned it when you had the chance.

Confronting Evil:
1.) Don’t do it. Unless you were born during the full moon in spring and a thousand died to bring you into being to stop the Apocalypse, this is so not your responsibility. Go home, get some coffee, watch some prime time TV. Leave it to the destined.
2.) If you have no choice, try the following: set it on fire, cover it with salt and then set it on fire, set it on fire and then cover it with salt. Potential additions: bury in consecrated ground, bury it in consecrated ground during the full moon/equinox/solstice/eclipse. Optional equipment: goat’s blood, hand of glory, garlic, virgin sheep wool
3.) Continued from above: stabbing, slicing, ritual chanting, hit with convenient blunt object, hysterical screaming.
4.) Continued from above: ALWAYS RUN AWAY. MAY NOT WORK BUT WHY NOT TRY.
5.) Unless you're a prodigious fiddler in Georgia and the devil offers you a deal, but honestly, what the hell are you going to do with a golden fiddle anyway?
6.) Consult a professional witch/sorcerer/spiritual advisor/religious figure/crazy hermit man in the woods with a terrifying beard and heart of gold/kind old cat woman in decrepit house down the road with mysterious past.
7.) If you have to make a deal, ask for a delay so you can consult a competent lawyer. Recommended: defense lawyer involved in corporate law and/or real estate, or criminal defense lawyer with a long term association with a successful drug cartel that has a reputation for beheading those who fail them.
8.) Work with your contractual loopholes; firstborn? Don’t have kids. Conversely, have two kids so you don't get attached to the first one.

General Advice:
1.) Don’t volunteer to go on a quest when asked by a stranger no matter how much they promise to pay you/what reward they offer to get that green stone from eye of the pharaoh's statue at midnight in the museum.
2.) If an old peasant woman offers you something from her quaint basket of goodies, take it, smile, put it in your purse, and when you get home, burn it. With fire. In the sink. I mean the entire purse here.
3.) It's a dried up monkey's paw. Seriously, burn it with fire. Nothing good comes of dead animal pieces used for wishes.
4.) For that matter, anyone offers you wishes, read the fine print. If there's no reading or fine print involved, don't do it.
5.) If one look drives men mad, don't look at it.
6.) If it requires summoning, don't summon it.
7.) If it asks for your consent, don’t give it.
8.) If it's cursed, don't buy/steal/take/accept it.
9.) If the forest is dangerous at night and filled with mysterious beings/strange goings-on/tragic deaths/uncanny abductions, go during the day.
10.) If someone threatens to curse you/tells you that you will be cursed if you do that/go there, don't do that or go there and thank them sincerely for their advice.
11.) If you're visiting and the locals tell you that there will be a rain of frogs on a very specific date and at a very specific time, come back a few days after that to hang out.
12.) If you are confronted with a powerful being of unknown motivation who asks if you are a god, don’t immediately deny it; instead, get more information so you can make an informed decision.
13.) There’s never a good excuse to engage in anything that involves the word ‘sacrifice’ and meets at night under the full moon.
14.) For that matter, any ritual in a dead language that no one can translate to your satisfaction should be attempted. Especially if the mandatory supplies include a goat.
15.) Don't bring your pets back from the dead at the nearby pet cemetery. If you do, don't put your recently deceased kids in there. If you do, don't double down with your wife. If you do, DEFINITELY DO sit and wait for them to come and kill you. We need less of your kind.
16.) Always be polite. Good manners never killed anyone, but bad manners will make them angry and you wouldn't like them when they're angry.
17.) When in doubt on how to deal with it, set it on fire. Salt to taste.
18.) It's the cat. IT IS ALWAYS THE CAT.

Yeah, so I didn't have a lot to do today.

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