After achieving what may have been teleportation (I don't remember what happened but I was inside like really fast), I've come to the conclusion that snakes, like small children, cats, and dogs, are most attracted to those that hate and fear them, which is why I win for most snake sighting ever in my family. I'm not actually kidding here.
From specific traumatic moments to general
1.) Rattlesnake hanging from roof - me
2.) Rattlesnake sleeping in drawer - me
3.) Rattlesnake on porch in staring match with cat - me
4.) Rattlesnake pursing me and Lindy across the front yard - me
5.) Huge mating ball of water moccasins over side of low bridge holy fuck nightmare fuel to this day - me
6.) Garter snake that looked like shoelace - me
7.) Snake in front yard, leaped onto folding chair with girlish scream - me
8.) Snakes in tank behind house in the country - MANY TIMES
9.) GODDAMN BLOTCHED WATER SNAKE - TWO TIMES NOW
10.) Rattlesnakes in general - LIKE A LOT
11.) Snakes in lake behind house in the country - MY CHILDHOOD LIKE A LOT
I'm not counting every time I have to go to the reptile pet stores because I try to repress those memories. I just learned there that reptiles have a smell and I react to it much like any animal and want to cry and hide in the bunny pit.
This is the funny thing; like claustrophobia, snake fear was something that developed rapidly and with no actual defining event that hit me during puberty. I know this is starting to sound like repressed memory where it ends up I recall being the virgin sacrifice during a satanistic orgy at daycare or something and EXPLANATION (maybe it involved being placed in a coffin during the proceedings?) but no one remembers this now--I liked snakes. I wanted one as a kid. I wanted specifically a python, because during the competitive summer reading program at the library someone brought a giant awesome python (to encourage reading?) and I fell in love.
I do not believe I'm repressing a satanistic orgy memory or anything, but I also think Snakes on a Plane's most terrifying possible sequel would be Snakes in An Elevator In The Tallest Building in the World With No Air Conditioning. Just knowing it appeared in theatres would assure I never left my bedroom again. In my life.
Oddly enough, two people have been converted to The Wonder and Bank Account Destruction that is Keurig. Ever since I got my first one, I never looked back, and I routinely stare hungrily at newer models with more water capacity and more buttons. My sister and a coworker both just fell madly, deeply, and financially destructively in love, and so I ruthlessly ordered more coffee from Amazon just to give them samples and watch as they, like me, lose any hope of keeping a savings account when they taste:
1.) Gloria Jean's Macadamia Cookie
2.) Gloria Jean's Mudslide
3.) Donut House Chocolate Glazed Donut
4.) Donut House Light Roast
5.) Green Mountain Nantucket Blend
They will sell their souls at 59 to 81 cents a pod. This is joy.
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