I'm mulling the concept of professional ones.
Ah, Smallville. The crack one cannot escape.
And also, Lex? Pretty.
I can almost see the conversation now.
"They say we don't have continuity!"
"The morons! We *so* have continuity! Look, we'll mention bug boy!"
"And Kelvin! And--what's her face, Grier!"
*worried* "That might not give the Right Impression to Sensitive Adolescents? Didn't Clark kill her with a phallic shaped object?"
"Ah, ye of little faith. *Clark* didn't kill her!"
*rolls tape, watches death throes* "You sure of that?"
"Trust me, it'll all make sense at the end. And look! A Message in the text!"
"You think we're being too subtle?"
"That *is* a question. Let me work on that."
Okay, nothing like that happened. But I did enjoy the impromptu jog down memory lane.
I really don't have much to say except SQUEE and HELL YES, because let's face it, we've been waiting eons to get some canon behind Lex and his Faces of Almost Death thing going on, and boom, like magic, Chloe and Van just hand us a platter of canonical possibility. Not to mention that--ah, but I digress.
If there are two things that anyone in Smallville should know by now, it's this--swimming pools are death traps and being alone at night is the quickest way to an early grave. I mean, seriously, they've seen the horror movies and they have the Chloe/Kelvin thing and well, Lana was mostly naked there once and that's really enough to end my enjoyment of swimming alone late at night with no one nearby for all time.
Lana's near drowning, I thought, was the highlight of my night, but apparently, things *can* get better than that. Unfortunately, not immediately--someone saved her--but I was later cheered to realize it wasn't personal or anything. She just happened to be there dying at the time. Whoo! And bummer.
Lex and Daddy Luthor are scarily cuddly to each other. Lex comes in as Lionel talks to Bob (?) about getting Lex to a doctor, and it sounds suspicious but I'm not sure why, since Lex sees doctors all the time. And also, massive amounts of life insurance, and as much as I love Lex, I'm thinking that's a lot of money and my mourning of his untimely death could be greatly assuaged by all the margaritas fifty million dollars could buy. Lex seems to feel the same way, and Lionel is sweet when he makes it clear that's part of the father/son bonding. Because nothing, and I repeat, nothing, says love like massively large life insurance policies.
Clark, still feeling vaguely Reddish, gets uptight at the idea of someone stealing his Vigilante Gig. Awww. I suppose it's only natural--so many people are doing the stalking of Lana now (club membership fees must be through the roof), his only real bastion of specialness was being the Saver of Lan and One Man Taker-Downer of Mutants in Smallville, and some little bastard decided not *only* to save Lana, but take down the Mutants! Let's all pet his hair and go awww.
*pets hair* Awwww.
The retrospective of Smallville's weirdness continues as we discover the Latest Stalker of Lana has gills, though Clark I think began to freak when he realized that no, Smallville isn't sucking people's memories away after all, they *are* noticing that yes, there are a LOT of weirdos, and yes, they're remembering how often he's around. And also, Chloe has a database of them, which really freaks him out, but really, what did he expect? SHE HAS A WALL OF WEIRD. The Database of Weird isn't a stretch. But I think he shouldn't worry. By next week, everyone will have forgotten when space/time reasserts itself. Still, it was nice, though I notice they truculated Lana's list--possibly spending the rest of the show discussing her stalkers wasn't considered the best idea. Not that I don't think they were gung ho for the idea, but maybe the idea of having an actual plot possibly interfered with Lana-worship. I'm sure it hurt to cut the rest.
Ah, digressions. Anyway.
Clark listens to Lana speak for The Voice of Prejudice (homophobia, racism, pick your disenfranchised group to dislike) with mounting horror, while Lana, playing the part of the Person About to Get Seriously Enlightened, like any good afterschool special, points out that people killing people who are trying to kill her isn't exactly on her Must Hate list. I'm sort of with her there. Clark makes noise about how he doesn't kill them, and Lana jumps in with Tina, leaving Our Hero a little shocky.
"But I was protecting you!" Or something like that.
Lana, being one of those rare, brilliant people with a real talent for stating the obvious, makes the vigilante comparison and Clark sees his Special Vigilante Spot being shared and likes it not at all.
Clark investigates Dead Jake aka Gillboy's bestest friend Van, who, surprise surprise, has a daddy killed by Tina Grier. What, continuity you say? It's like the New Blue. Everywhere you look. Later, Clark and Pete will go to a hunting cabin and Clark will poitn out a hunting knife killed Jake, and okay, I thought he was shot, but maybe I just fazed out when I realized Lana would again survive.
In the Arsenal of Smallville Mutant Death, Clark sees bits of Chloe's Future MotW database and my, there's--no, you're kidding me--Lex!
No! Lex? A mutant? No!
Okay, so the sheer sound of a thousand fangirls going, DUH, probably was heard in space.
Instantly, Clark's Lex-dar kicks into gear--Lex! In danger! Now! Must go! It's like Lassie. With the ubercheese of special effect running, we cut between Clark's desperate dash to save the man hes' been planning to give his virginity to and Lex getting into a car. May I point out, Clark is fucking *fast*. Did anyone time this? I'm thinking it wasn't more than two minutes, tops, including cuts, but boyhowdy, he has no reason to ever be late to *anywhere*.
Seeing the bullet, Clark knocks it away and throws himself on top of Lex to save him from--the bullet that's no longer there.
Okay, Clark, we'll believe that.
*watches* And you can let him up now.
Annnytime you want.
Now, Clark. Really.
Clark yells for the Luthor Mafia to come save his boyfriend and goes off looking for Van. Unfortunately, Van carries meteor rocks and yet again, we've got another person finding out about those things being kinda bad for the Clark-boy. Clark writhes attractively, getting a nice tousled head of hair that makes me swoon before Van flees after making the required dumb, snarky remarks and rubbing that rock on Clark in a way that isn't good-touching exactly and really makes me wonder about his fantasy life.
So we have Lex wondering about his ability to survive everything after Clark tells him why Van was gunning for him and Lex mulls the idea that he's affected. This is possibly around the time Lex thinks that the life insurance policy Daddy's disturbingly gung-ho about might not be as bad an idea to sign as once thought.
Blah blah blah, plot plot plot, watch Van make green glowing bullets in a long, ritualized series of shots that make me vaguely queasy, but then again, on Smallville, seeing green grass tends to make me queasy these days. Hey, it could be meteor-grass!
This show makes me paranoid.
Well, Clark and Jonathan discuss how everyone who gets affected goes evil and luckily for my sanity, they completely forget Cassandra and Kyle, because man, too much actual continuity might force me to take this show far too seriously. Then as Jonathan walks away, Clark watches a bullet come and decides to just deflect it, instead of doing his usual thing and, you know, ducking out of the way. We watch it go through his hand (my keyboard makes me feel that intensely) and into his shoulder, where it lodges as he screams. And Clark screaming is *not* pretty.
Mama and Papa Kent are magnificent and obviously, spent quality time watching old westerns as they heat up the knife to cut the bullet out. I'm so glad this is Smallville, because no where else could these random skills come into such general usage. Jonathan cuts it out and removes the bullet with pliers--this is where my fascination becomes a kind of fascinatd nausea, because let me say, ewww here--and then Clark starts healing and all is well in the world. As I was so sure he was going to die and this would become The Lana Show.
Back at the coffee shop (and I could be getting these out of order, but I'm not breaking continuity much), Van confronts Our Misguided Predjudiced Heroine and tells her he saved her. She tells him to go to the police. In a shocking turn of events, he says no, saying a good mutant is a dead mutant, though he didn't say it like that, he said it even cornier. Lana so does not agree. He tells her he killed Clark, another mutant who now will never hurt anyone. I suppose his view of the show is skewed. He needs to watch past eps more closely.
And random thought--is his dad the vice principal from Boston Public? Because I so see crossover possibilities for the brave here.
Lana, utilizing those years and years of kickboxing and fight training--wait, did we miss that? You mean it was really only one lesson?--knocks Van down and runs to the phone, calling the police to tell them that Clakr has been murdered. Oddly, she doesnt' mention she's in need of rescue. Which is weird, but okay. Van appears, like any good mutant of the week, and pulls the phone out of the wall and calls her a mutant lover and how he hates those more than mutants.
And the anvils are actually suffocating me at this point. Remind me to bring breathing equiptment next time.
Anyway, the police go to the farm and find Clark just dandy, though cop is kind of wondering about hte blood on his shirt on the chair. Clark sneaks, somehow, to a police scanner, using it to tell Van that he lived and okay, godo idea, we know Van listens, but also, don't, you konw, the *cops* listen to those too? I'm just curious about how that works.
He shows up with Lana, decidingto show her the freakishness of Clark and kill him, and Lana, calling on the spirits of her ancestors who were fighters, because really, there's no other explanation, beats the hell out of him and then runs to CLark, who is wearing a lead vest under his shirt. I was curious why he didn't get something for his back, but I'll forgive, he's very young.
All ends well. Clark tells Lex that the guy is in psychiatric care, and Lex tells him that he is a freak. Clark looks blank, and I wish I could interpret that as something, but I think he was having a bad moment wondering if that's what Lex wnats him to call him in bed now, he just looks so perky when he says it.
Lana comes by to tell Clark, very seriously, that if he was a mutant, it would not matter. Because she's been Enlightened As to Her Prejudices. She says if Clark won't let the people who love him in, he'll always be alone. Clark says he alwasy will be, especially if Lex really wants Clark to start yelling freak, and really, I don't blame him.
A few points that I couldn't remmber where they go in continuity.
Daddy Luthor is blackmailing Chloe. This is so shocking I yawned. Poor Chloe.
Daddy Luthor is very aware of Lex being oh so special. He deflected badly when Lex questioned.
To finish up the rambling--Lex! Mutant! Yay!