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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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I have this horrifying impulse to write out a long, long, boring vacation entry, complete with long, long, scary descriptions, because dammit, I'm a tourist. But technically, I have five and a half hours left, so instead, I shall mull the fact that the hotel we're staying in is right beside Oakwood Cemetary, and when I walk outside, I can look *right* at a lot of dead bodies. Sort of.

Also, let me point out--four days without internet access? We really can't be blamed for some of the stuff that we got into.

But, short version:

1.) No sunburn. This is pretty much a miracle.

2.) Beth did not smother me in my sleep. I don't think it counts if I wake up to find her holding a pillow in a meaningful way.

3.) Beth is an international flirt. Just sayin'. Ask her about *Francisco*. And the Blanket Men.

4.) There *are* killer pelicans, and Beth and I are still working out how that relates to the seagulls that stalked us. No, I'm not kidding. There's a *sign* about this. Also, random waiters will want to impress Beth by doing their version of how a herron looks when it walks. It's kind of like watching a controlled epileptic fit.

5.) Apparently, sidewalks are *perfectly acceptable* to park on in Mexico.

8.) There are an inordinate amount of pharmacies and dental places on the border. Like, say, when one is sort of not really lost and looking around, you just sort of notice that every other store is selling some kind of legal controlled substance.

6.) We are way, way too familiar with how to turn around in parking lots.

7.) Did I mention the killer pelicans?

8.) The worst Mexican food in creation can be found *in* Mexico.

9.) We had the *best condo* on earth. And the water is fucking hypnotic. This is how they get people to live there. The entire rhythm of the water thing off the balcony was like crack.

10.) We really should have died several times in scary, after school special ways, but apparently, in real life, when you're alone in a deserted underground parking lot yelling for Beth to appear, masked killers don't appear. I can't really express how disappointing this is. I really can't. Also, when lost in Mexico and holding a map, looking like the ultimate stupid tourists, you won't be kidnapped for ransom, even if *Francisco*, who is Romeo to Beth's Juliet, does hand over his phone number. Stupid television and pop culture give you so many expectations that are completely false. Bastards.

11.) However, at four thirty in the morning, when you are engaged in a spirited debate on the sand about whether or not the foam is sentient, creepy guys will follow you around asking if you want a beer.

12.) One bad sign of crossing the border is when the border patrol on the Spanish side keeps watching one's ass. What did I tell you? It's a miracle we survived.

13.) I really can't overestimate the clear and present danger of the killer pelicans.

14.) Apparently, the extent of border searching is to say "Are you an American citizen?" Saying yes is all that is necessary. Beth and I deeply regret we were not involved in illegal trafficking of something.

15.) We can get lost anywhere. No, really. Stuff *moves*. It's totally not our fault. And the Oyster Bar is forever on my List of Evil Places for not appearing when we wanted it to. On the other hand, we went to a restaurant where Beth and the Michigan waiter spent quality time being cute to each other, but I calmly drank my coffee and watched for the pelicans.

16.) Beth is looking over my shoulder saying I am delusional, but really, which of us are you going to trust, hmm? *International* flirt.

17.) I am a fangirl. We both are. While trapped in the special hell of traffic since JUST WHEN WE GOT TO THE DAMN ISLAND, homecoming parade was going on, we found the motel where I'm relatively sure Clark and Lex stayed during one of the Sleep While I Drive stops. It was the scariest place we've ever seen.

18.) We are fangirls--we slashed a cooking show, Juraissic Park III (biggest Gay Love Ever), and carried around Beth's Clark and Lex action figures tied together. At some point, we hung them on the rearview mirror. And challenged others to notice. They didn't. This, also, was disappointing.

19.) Beth did her best to drown in the gulf. She really, really tried. However, I explained that this would not be a fannish, romantic way to die, so she decided to survive the experience.

20.) There was a truly disturbing amount of religious shell memorabilia floating around. I'm not sure what one can say about a shell Jesus. Just. Yeah.

21.) Driving from south to north Texas is the most boring thing imaginable. No, I mean, it is the *most boring* thing imaginable. And also? They *so* do not have rest stops. Or McDonalds. Non-pop-culture-food obsessed bastards.

22.) In the historic town of Gruene, there is a river that is very green. Beth and I spent quality time debating the presence of green kryptonite while eating.

23.) Here's the thing. Signs, in my opinion, are supposed to be what you use to find your way from point A, say, I-35, to point B, the loop. This fails when you see the sign *after* you've already gotten on the wrong street. This is how we ended up going straight through the middle of the city. We've noticed this sign issue throughout our journey. One day, I shall tell the story of the tourist information place that refused to appear, and the fact that the street signs were totally conspiring against us at all times. But that'sfor the Long Version.

24.) Addendum to sign issues: The Flea Market. We went to Brownsville to see the flea market--we ended up in Mexico. Yeah. This is something that apparently can happen.

25.) Pelicans. Seagulls. *Huge* freaking conspiracy.

26.) Again, Beth has yet to overtly try to kill me. I'm still suspicious. Very, very suspicious.

Okay, enough for now. In Austin, it is raining, and there is a cemetary here, and there are stone cows to contemplate. Must mull.

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I'm gad you both survived the pelicans. :)


Beth is an international flirt.

I *knew* it!

I told her to find the cute boys. *g*

8.) There are an inordinate amount of pharmacies and dental places on the border. Like, say, when one is sort of not really lost and looking around, you just sort of notice that every other store is selling some kind of legal controlled substance.

Yes! Back in 1995/6 when we lived in El Paso, when Nicorette wasn't yet approved by the FDA in the US, my parents bought it in Juarez. About fourteen feet from the border.

And regarding the Flea Market - I have a stuffed armadillo that supposedly died of natural causes. I have no idea why there's a bullet-sized plastered hole in its forehead, but I have my suspicions. ;p

Write it out. I'll gladly read it. I have neither the time nor the money to go on a nice vacation. I can at least your entry and vacation vicariously through you. I'm with ya on the killer pelicans. Pelicans and Seagulls (or Shithawks as my mother call them) are out to get any and all vacantioners.

Driving from south to north Texas is the most boring thing imaginable.

Followed closely by driving from east to west Texas. {{shudder}}

Thank you so much for sharing this. The killer pelicans and conspiracy of signs have made my day.

Enjoy the last hours of your vacation!

You is kinda nuts, but that's why I like you. ;p

Glad to hear you had some fun. ;)

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