Seperis (seperis) wrote,

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the borgias: a pictoral guide to why you should watch

Normally I think a pimp post has like, IDK, reasons and um, quality photoshop skills. That's tragic, since this has neither. But! You will know these things when you are through.

A.) Cesare is hot.
B.) Their clothes are kind of awesome.
C.) There are spas in Naples.

Right? Right.

Our Cast

Pope Alexander VI
Our Pope: Pope Alexander VI, AKA, Rodrigo Borgia

Vannozza dei Cattanei
Our Pope's Former(ish) Mistress: Vannozza dei Cattanei, aka She Will Cut You, Just Wait For It

Cesare Borgia
Our Hero Much More: Cesare Borgia (Armed and Dangerous in Skirts)

Lucrezia Borgia
Our Heroine: Lucrezia Borgia, Sneakily Watching Cesare Get Laid (He Doesn't Mind at All)

Juan Borgia
So Annoying: Juan Borgia, Total Dick

Giuilia Farnese
Our Pope's Current Mistress: Guilia Farnese (Yes, That Is a Goat In Her Lap But Will Be a Unicorn in the Picture, Oh, Those Crazy Discount Enlightenment Artists)

Michelotto Corello
Our Depressed Assassin: Michelotto Corello, Likes Long Walks on the Beach Toward Naples and Cesare Whipping Him

Cardinal Guiliano Della Rovere
Our Deadly Enemy: Cardinal Della Rovere, Enjoys Citrus, Baths, and Male Torsos

Cjem of the Ottoman Empire
Our Happy Ottoman Prince: Cjem, aka Do Not Get Attached, But God We Do Anyway

Now, to give some context.

Borgias 1.01/.02 - the poisoned chalice/the assassin

Cesare Borgia is sad. He is a man of the cloth but wants to be a normal person who is allowed to lead armies and kill people. But that's okay. There are compensations.

Well, one compensation.

He really likes this compensation.

There's a papal election. Rodrigo needs his son's help!

Due to lots of bribery, Rodrigo is made Pope! The Cardinals are pervs and verify Rodrigo's manhood. This is never not funny. I mean, ever.

There's a lovely coronation.

Cesare and Lucrezia are very moved.'s hard being a bishop, okay? DO NOT JUDGE CESARE. COMPENSATION.

Blah blah blah someone tries to kill the Pope, Michelotto warns Cesare, blah blah blah, there is whipping.


Meanwhile, Pope Alexander meets Giuilia Farnese. There is more whipping.

Then there is sex.

Michelotto goes to Della Rovere to show off his back. Della Rovere is very impressed.

With citrus, even.

Later, Michelotto kills a maid and puts her in della Rovere's bed, which is not his preferred type, so della Rovere runs, runs, run to Naples.

Michelotto is happy, though. Cesare likes him now!

And so ends episode one/two.

Borgias 1.03 - the Moor

Della Rovere goes to Naples and meets Crazy!Alfonso!

Crazy!Alfonso shows him His Special Room.

Crazy!Alfonso and Della Rovere have a spa day.

Then Michelotto tries to kill Della Rovere! And fails! It's sad.

Crazy!Alfonso is not happy with this carnage.

As this is going on, Cesare is made a Cardinal. There are rituals

Very much.

Maybe just one more.

But lo, he is still sad.

Meanwhile, Cjem and Lucrezia bond.

But he's going to die in like, three minutes, so let's skip away.

Lucrezia is worried about marriage. She can't imagine loving anyone as much as she loves Cesare. That's a quote. Cesare tells the story of Abelard and Heloise because that's very appropriate.

See? Appropriate. Then he promises to kill her husband if he's mean.

And them Cjem dies and it's so goddamn irritating.

So ends episode three.

Think of it this way; you can make money writing RPF and RPS. Just cast your characters well.

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Tags: crosspost, fandom: borgias
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