My stomach muscles hurt. My chest muscles want to hurt, I think, and feel left out that they don't. My shoulders hurt. I get this is because I was the equivalent of a human balloon animal and then glued--GLUED--shut. I mean, I get this is not Elmer's glue or anything, but still.
The following for anyone who is staring at this and saying "OKAY NO SURGERY EVER", waht I've learned.
1.) If I lie down, I will not want to get up like, ever. Ever. In my life. Because everything stiffens and it's like, no.
2.) Walking is actually okay. Coughing is not. And yet I have to cough every time I walk. And breathe deeply. Both according to doctor orders (thanks, allergy season, why not add congestion to the party?).
3.) Sitting up is great. Apparently, the closest-to-ideal position for my body is to be sitting crosslegged on my bed and leaning forward slightly with pillows behind my back. A Classic Geek Position, even. It's like destiny or something. I anticipate that my computer usage will hit new heights and it's not like I wasn't already qualified for a twelve-step program before this.
4.) However, I still have to stand up and walk around every thirty minutes ot an hour or I begin to stiffen up and you see where this is going.
5.) God coffee. (I just need to throw that in.)
By the way, this is what svmadelyn has to deal with tonight.
Seperis: I had surgery.
Seperis: I was cut open like a turkey.
Seperis: And my innards removed.
Seperis: Holy shit.
Seperis: I even let it happen!
Seperis: *blank look*
Seperis: My existential crisis is in coordination with the wound on my stomach.
Seperis: Want a picture? *brightly*
svmadelyn: god no.
svmadelyn: we would add me to the former facebook friends
svmadelyn: very fast.
svmadelyn: VERY fast
svmadelyn: let us maintain some spark of mystery
svmadelyn: in our relationship.
Seperis: It is so weird looking?
Seperis: Like, they went into the belly button to do the dirty work
Seperis: SO you can't see like, much?
Seperis: But it's all superglued together.
Seperis: my God.
Seperis: I HAD SURGERY AND THEY CLOSED ME WITH SUPERGLUE.
Seperis: *BLANK LOOK* WHAT IS THIS.
Seperis: I willingly allowed myself to be drugged and immobilized.
svmadelyn: yes. that you did.
Seperis: So someone could use that blue surgical pen--did you see that? THEY LEFT IT ON MY BED!--to be artistic and then cut open what has been closed since birth to insert gas into my stomach like a balloon.
Seperis: I WAS A BALLOON.
svmadelyn: it was a significant step in your personal development.
Seperis: THEN PUT THINGS UP THERE THAT REMOVED A PART OF MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.
Seperis: AND THEN GLUED ME TOGETHER
svmadelyn: yes. a malevolent part.
Seperis: GLUED. ME. TOGETHER.
svmadelyn: yes. don't put heat on the glue.
Seperis: oh my God.
svmadelyn: in case it melts.
Seperis: IT IS FLAKING OFF.
Seperis: I HAVE A PIECE ON MY FINGER.
Seperis: ...it's like Elmer's glue.
svmadelyn: yeah. maybe don't touch it.
Seperis: My God.
svmadelyn: you could come open again.
svmadelyn: that would probably not be great.
Seperis: what, did they borrow from the kindergarten?
svmadelyn: perhaps you should find some superglue.
Seperis: That stuff never holds
svmadelyn: just as a plan b.
Seperis: IT IS WATER SOLUBLE AND I AM LIKE 90% WATETR
svmadelyn: obviously, you used inferior superglue.
Seperis: Oh I want to lie down.
Seperis: But that hurts a lot.
svmadelyn: not really; you don't drink much water.
Seperis: WHy did you let me do this?
Seperis: Why didn't yo mention the glue.
svmadelyn: sometimes I like you breathing.
svmadelyn: the glue didn't occur to me, to be honest.
She's still speaking to me, even.
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