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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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this is not the time to evaluate my feelings on feelings, really
children of dune - leto 1
I'm not sure it's unsettling enough to make a conscious choice to be self-aware about what stories in a kink meme I gravitate to.

However, in the interests of full disclosure, here are the things that I really wish I liked:

1.) Slave AUs - okay, I can't even explain this one, but a lot of it has to do with my embarrassment squick that is hit by them too often. They borderline me, because I like D/s, and I've even liked it at the slave level D/s, but the consent is what makes it work for me because hey, it's fairly hot for someone to desperately beg someone else to put them in a collar and tie them to a tree (substitute your choice here, it's one in the morning and I just came off three hours at the AI kink meme reading you have no idea what; I don't even know what I was reading). Consent is the panacea of the embarrassment squick. Mostly. I can still get hit by it, but then I just skim. It's weird. But I wish I liked them, because a.) there are a lot of them and b.) I'd like to actually write one. But seriously. I can squick myself in the embarrassment department, which isn't easy because it's like tickling yourself. It's a good sign when I cringe from myself I shouldn't be writing it.

I mean, I feel I should write it because it squicks me. Like, not to cure the squick but to examine it in a really meta-like, post-modern I-need-a-hobby-that-isn't-hyperexamining-the-source-and-my-reaction-to-it sort of way. Or just so I can blunt the edges of the squick and enjoy it, because seriously, this cuts off a lot of otherwise readable fic and it's depressing when I find myself in the kink-meme staring at 'necrophilia' going "yes, this squicks me so much I want to cry hysterically, but there's nothing else to read". No one should have a moment like that.

2.) I was less specific in my role choices. This is just--I get a preference and I'll break it once in a while, but me and avilio_18 had a really sharply defined moment talking in email about what we considered in character and I realized, yeah. I'm like really really specific sometimes. This is not specific to what I write, weirdly enough; SGA I had Rodney topping three quarters of the time, but I preferred it the other way around while reading. No idea what that's about. But it is annoying because again, it cuts off like, a random percentage depending on fandom of stories I can't get into and see above. Not on.

3.) Mpreg - okay, this is tricky, because I have read and loved it, but for the life of me, even knowing this, my knee-jerk is AVOID AVOID FLASHING LIGHTS and yo, I beta'ed a freaking mpreg series that I spent quality time nagging the author about, and then once upon a time wrote it myself, but--there you go. I get people who don't understand the attraction of it because I get the same Flags of No, but then I read it and love it because it's awesome. And yet. I have to convince myself to do it every damn time.

I was thinking of making a list of my kinks that actually bother me or make me curious (in fandom; I don't feel particular shame for what I put in as keywords on asstr.org because hello, someone wrote it, who am I not to appreciate their work? You rock, author of fic with keywords I will never admit to anyone, ever), but that ends up a sociopolitical statement that I cannot imagine I'd be interested in making. Sexuality and sexual desire for women is already politicized, evaluated, judged, and recontextualized in fandom, and I'm uncomfortable with my body pretty much always; I can't get away from that. I can, however, avoid adding a new and exciting layer of judging myself on top of the way I already do. I do not need to layer cake my judgment. Though I'd kill for a brownie right now.

I wonder what it's like to feel comfortable in your skin and with yourself. I mean, I get that the human condition apparently requires we never have a moment's peace, but you'd think the human condition would have a failsafe to shut that shit down once in a while so we wouldn't end up circling ourselves madly chasing a non-existent tail for enlightenment or at least something close to comfort. I'm asking for like, once a week, one hour. Or so.

Yes, it's almost two and this is what passes for deep thoughts. I'm going to go look for porn now and hate insomnia like whoa.

Posted at Dreamwidth: http://seperis.dreamwidth.org/40686.html. | You can reply here or there. | comment count unavailable comments

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1) Oh ye embarrassment squick, I know thee well. Okay, I don't even know, but I can read some slave fic, some D/s fic and then others are OH JOHN RINGO NO, or you know, cause actual flashbacks. Pretty much if you put John Sheppard in something slinky, or eyeliner, and have him on his knees a lot, I am THERE, whoo doggies, where's the popcorn.

But. I only read stuff like that from authors I trust. Really really trust.

There are bounds of humiliation I cannot go, I can't watch a lot of modern movies because the humiliation factor is so high. I can't watch I Love Lucy, for pete's sake. Who IS Pete, anyway?

As for forcing yourself, I point you to two things, the first being something important my therapist told me; if it feels bad, it IS bad. No should, no ought to be able to, if your internal "what the fuck are you doing" monitor says, Oh HELL no, then back the hell away. Sure, think through it, but honestly you might as well just go out and hit yourself with a stick repeatedly in places that really really hurt. Heed The Cringe.

The second is that I tried to write a fic equating what happened to John in "Common Ground" to rape and well, what a bad idea that was. And that was before the PTSD stuff went from pretty well repressed to full blown. I can give you specifics of how bad, but trust me when I say don't attempt something that play on the knife edge of your own hurt or frightened or disgusted with feelings unless you have a pretty fucking important thing to work out and have back up.

2) Darling, why are you being so hard on yourself? Sure, read something you're not familiar with or whatever, but seriously, you're supposed to be having FUN.

3) Yeah, I'm the same way. So I say, 'Ass babies, ass babies, ass babies to myself, (old joke, I blame my friend Stoney) and think, what the hell, back in Voyager, Kes got a swollen tongue and the baby came feet first out of her BACK. So that's some majorly weird stuff, how bad could it be?

I wonder about what it would be like to be comfortable in my own skin, too, and treasure the moments I get where I am. Interestingly enough, going into Second Life has given me some of that. I can be or look like whatever I want. Right now I'm a red-headed mermaid. With a diamond tiara. And that makes me want to squeal and jump up and down like I'm twelve.

::big love for you and your squishy brain::

Edited at 2010-08-18 07:24 am (UTC)

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