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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


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my id speaks in tongues and it worries me that i can't stop listening
children of dune - leto 1
seperis
Every so often when I get blocked, I realize that the actual problem is that I'm hitting the invisible wall between "if I squint, this is plausible" and "welcome to my id, it's goddamn creepy". Believe it or not, sociopathic AUs are not my purest id, and when people talk about my fic that disturbed them, they're not it either; that's the shit I water down so no one avoids me with frantic smiles in the hallways (virtual or real).

Id is where I stop pretending I'm like, a mature, sane writer, and pull out all my kinks, my interests, my thoughts on yaoi, strip out my filter and kick it to the curb, and hit drive hard enough I break my foot (metaphorically) because if you're going there, you should get there fast and going one twenty on the highway is still too slow. I want speed of light.

It actually happens less than one might think; my id and I have a working relationship where I write out whatever I really want in a scene, then I go back, remove the stuff that may or may not make bodice-ripper romances and certain torture-porn horror movies look healthy and sane, and rewrite the scene into sanity. Then I post and hope it passes as fangirl normal and not, um, disturbing.

RPS fucks with my id, and I don't know why. I have a folder that I've posted less than twenty percent of the completed contents, and that doesn't include the snippets I stopped when I had a moment of clarity and sanity. I came out of Smallville for God's sake; that was the fandom in which we made apocalyptic love stories a genre. Sexual obsession combined with destroying worlds; we were upping the ante with adding new planets to conquer and branding people so you know, this has never been like, a problem. I'm used to working within some fairly flexible lines. They were deeply awesome lines. Apparently, I just didn't know they were on a slow but meaningful shift.

I have no clue what is going on here, but I am All Id All the Time, and it's not like I have a problem with that except hey, I'm trying to write fic that I'd like other people to read without feeling really uncomfortable. After erasing--for the thousandth time--a completely wrong scene from a fic that really should not have anything like that--I think at VVC I ranted about my fluffy fic where Kris is all whee, sex with guys, yay, adorable shenigans that turned into What the Fuck Bondage Just Went So Very Wrong (I'm so serious) and every time I rewrite it and take it down a notch, it just jumps back up to Holy Shit Bears Run Away by the next paragraph. The saddest fics are the ones I finished and every so often I open them up and go back ready to edit them down into acceptability and end up like, upping the ante and then running away, as one does, because I'm terrified I might stay in there long enough to be like, this isn't so bad and post it.

(My personal waterloo is one I made no less than eight people read, and initial reaction to the gentler version made me nervously aware I liked these people and didn't want them to avoid me forever. When winterlive is giving you wary virtual looks, it's time to drawer that sucker and pretend you don't remember it.)

(winterlive - the double amnesia one. I sent you like, eight copies or something, each more id than the last.)

So I am trying a new approach; I am just writing my id out with glorious freedom and not a little shock at what I'll do when I know no one is watching. It's also surprising, I think, in what I actually focus on when I stop thinking and just write it out, because relationship dynamics in themselves are my favorites, but I didn't realize what precisely about them fascinated me so much, and seeing this is kind of mapping territory that I've glanced at before but never spent time staring at quite so long.

I had several really interesting conversations this weekend with chipunk7, lovelokest and geekturnedvamp that I'm pretty sure set off this train of thought.

I am so behind on everything, but I totally have time for advanced navel gazing. So cough it up; tell me of your id fic and what you do with it and how you feel about it. I'm actually tempted to gather up people who are both brave and maybe willing to get drunk enough to agree, lock a post, and make everyone post theirs so maybe I'll like, feel better about myself or something? Then we can all not look each other in the eye until it's over and pretend it didn't happen.

Tell me. Id. Go. (Seriously. I want to know I am not alone on the cliff of wtf, when did I become this person.)

References:

The Id Vortex on Fanlore.
Via [personal profile] kanata: 'Clichés and the id: a map to fictional seduction' by cupidsbow
What Is the Id Anyway by [personal profile] kanata
[personal profile] zvi, if I remember correctly, had one or more really good posts, which hey, [personal profile] zvi if you see this, link me? I can't even remember when they were, but I think you were the first person on my flist that talked about it.

Okay, someone did two very good ones, at some time before 2009, and they may or may not have been on my flist. That narrows it down tremendously. *facepalm*

Posted at Dreamwidth: http://seperis.dreamwidth.org/39974.html. | You can reply here or there. | comment count unavailable comments

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SV totes went there. God. I miss it.

Haha, *I* remember that fic!

This is hilarious stacked on my flist with my last post.

Someone should write my id-fic. It would probably be kind of... the sort of thing I expect to be defriended for, but in the breakfast in bed + kittens and flowers direction. Except when it involved people being tied up and... you know, stopping that sentence there.

*grins* Oh, I bet you do.

Someone should write my id-fic. It would probably be kind of... the sort of thing I expect to be defriended for, but in the breakfast in bed + kittens and flowers direction. Except when it involved people being tied up and... you know, stopping that sentence there.

You are such a tease! I want to know more!

if I ever wrote it, it would be original, not fanfic, and it'd have to be a graphic novel -- I'd need an artist willing to plug into my twistedness. it's a thing, I don't know, I originally envisioned it in that way and that's how it's always stayed in my head.

maybe because it's semi-acceptable to Go That Far in a comic and not in a Regular Novel?

idk, I'm loath to talk about it because I'm looking over my shoulder right now, metaphorically speaking, like, who's watching and waiting to call me horrible names and use this confession against me? on the other hand, I'd really love to talk about it. I once kind of poked at getting a discussion started re: the idea, in my lj, and didn't get much response, probably because I framed it wrong or because most of my friends just pretended they never saw me confess to having created this fucked up world in my head.

gah.

I posted mine (RPF Figure Skating); however, it's the only thing I never got beta'd. I kept thinking I'd tone it down before I sent it to her, and than ran out of time, and had to post it or default on the challenge. My id likes unequal power relationships. Particularly if the one with the power is madly obsessed with someone who is a little "eh" about them in return. Lex Luther for the win. Basically I like fucked-up obsessed guy slash dude backing away slowly.

My id is pretty tame really. I expect I'll discover better and bigger kinks as I continue to write. I would love to hear more about those drawer stories. I have faith that your id is much more advanced!

My id likes unequal power relationships. Particularly if the one with the power is madly obsessed with someone who is a little "eh" about them in return. Lex Luther for the win. Basically I like fucked-up obsessed guy slash dude backing away slowly.

*raises hand and sighs* I am so there. So there.

My id is like, IDEK. Having some kind of dissonance moment or something.

Heh. I am an infrequent writer (although recently my production has upped) and I finally poked at what became a really dark Mentalist fic. And I go back and read it and realize, "This could have been darker and more twisted but I held back because I didn't want to scare people." It got one comment, praising me from running headfirst into the wall of wrong, and I figure that's just about what that fic deserves.

Uh, in short, my id scares me too.

Love the id. Embrace the id. (Get your shots up to date first, though.)

Yeah, me and my id fic are staring at each other challengingly. I have a bad feeling I'm not winning.

Dubcon alien transformation with power dynamics. Uh. A few comic pages may exist in a notebook, but I'm leery of showing them to anyone because, well. Yeah.

...that is the most gorgeous sentence ever. *blinks* How many pages?

Adam is a fucking cat, dude. It's 5000 words and he's *still* a cat. And I don't know. Apparently I maybe have a yarn kink now?

...I don't even know what I'm writing anymore, I just know I am unsettled. Cats? Are awesome. Awesome, I say.

..wait, there's more? I totally put out.

My id either wants hurt/comfort gone extra hurty in a non-abusive way paired with lots of crying and petting in the comfort part, or D/s power dynamics in sexual relationships even if it makes no sense for those particular characters. I don't care. I wants it.

The first one is longstanding -- there is a reason that my favorite novels as a child were The Little Princess, then onward to Mercedes Lackey (Vanyel! Everyone hates him!) et al. The sad thing is how hard is it is to find competently written fanfic in that genre. I mean, all I'm asking for is decent grammar and syntax, and a bit of insight into the characters. *sigh*

I've been thinking about Smallville after the Bad Romance video made me remember how much I loved Clark/Lex. That fandom went everywhere in the first six months of my fanfiction experience. I've never been able to take the arguments against RPS/incest/darkfic all that seriously, because that was my introduction to fanfic. SV went there, and reveled in it.

Edited at 2010-08-14 02:51 am (UTC)

My id either wants hurt/comfort gone extra hurty in a non-abusive way paired with lots of crying and petting in the comfort part, or D/s power dynamics in sexual relationships even if it makes no sense for those particular characters. I don't care. I wants it.

Oh, mine just jumped up and down in glee reading that.

That fandom went everywhere in the first six months of my fanfiction experience. I've never been able to take the arguments against RPS/incest/darkfic all that seriously, because that was my introduction to fanfic. SV went there, and reveled in it.

Yes, this. This.

...it just jumps back up to Holy Shit Bears Run Away by the next paragraph.

Yeah. If there were an id leather bar, I suspect my id would be wearing the same color cloth in its back pocket as your id.

Wait, is that why mine keeps stealing money to buy shots? I was wondering.

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I am seriously tempted.

I, for one, would dearly love to read some of this stuff.

(And I totally know where you're coming from. I don't talk about the stuff my Id comes up with, either. Not even to my wife. heh.)

*bites lip* But now I really want ot know. SECRET ID FIC IS THE BEST ID FIC OF ALL.

I think at VVC I ranted about my fluffy fic where Kris is all whee, sex with guys, yay, adorable shenigans that turned into What the Fuck Bondage Just Went So Very Wrong (I'm so serious) and every time I rewrite it and take it down a notch, it just jumps back up to Holy Shit Bears Run Away by the next paragraph.

this isn't the fic you've already posted some kind of snippets of, is it? you know, pretty dirty and kris' reflexes and all that. *eyes*

if so (and actually, even if it's not), i'm really trying hard not to make virtual grabby hands rn. so, i'mma just sit here and look cute. or something.

also... from kris himself:

Your first single is called "Live Like We're Dying." Keeping with that theme, if you had to wrestle a bear or outrun a cheetah, which would you choose?

I would wrestle a bear, because I could find a way to make it like me and it wouldn't kill me. I feel like we would end up cuddling in a cave somewhere.


lolol, js js. :PPP hahahaha.

Edited at 2010-08-14 07:24 am (UTC)

Yes! Good guess, it is! It's about 40K now? Or so. Yeah. it's one fo the help_haiti fics.

Oh my God. BEAR CUDDLING.

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*falls over* I love that description! Though yeah, Tim Burton would give it that LSD edge.

Hi there.

Lately I got an idea for a story and I felt couldn't acknowledge it or put it on my journal. It just kept bugging me and getting more and more detailed in my head, so I wrote it and posted it anon to the ai kinkmeme (which isn't really a kinkmeme anymore, but my story thinks it is. Oh, yes).

Maybe you could do that, and then if anyone said, YOU THERE! YES YOU! THAT'S YOUR STORY, ISN'T IT?, you could just shrug and deny, deny, deny.


Ooh. That is a good idea.

Wait, is there an ai kink meme outside of ONTD_AI?