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this is not a level of denial i've witnessed before
children of dune - leto 1
seperis
So my Ritalin vanished again. Literally.



This time, I just cried while tearing apart my room (again), because every time, somehow, it's that I miscounted, or I forgot where I put it, or most recently, my mother says maybe I should get counseling because I was just too upset and I did fine before it so why wouldn't I be fine now? Or possibly that I am hallucinating. That's new. That's the newest and most interesting excuse as to why if my medication isn't carefully hidden, it vanishes. I'm hallucinating.

I--have no idea what to say to that. I mean, at this point, the preferable answer, the answer she believes is her eldest daughter is having hallucinations of putting it one place is more believable than someone in this house is taking it is kind of terrifying to me.

I can't get a refill until a week from Friday. I only had three left, and I count, and I wasn't running behind by that many but I miscounted, or I took too many, or I'm--hallucinating--but I had three left and I left them under some clothes by accident on the recliner in my room. I'm going to have a three day withdrawal headache and I have a major build this week at work and I am fucked over for Thursday when I really needed them because I have a ton of tests and I wrote them and they are complicated and I can't do those like this.

I don't know what to do. There is no early refill on a schedule two. It's a fucking federally controlled substance, a triplicate without refills that have to be hand carried to a pharmacist. My doctor will not, cannot, give it to me twelve days (eleven days?) early. Maybe two days early, or three, but not that many. I can report it to the police, which won't get me an early refill and a police report will in fact look insane. I can't drink coffee for teh caffeine for a little better short term focus, tea doesn't work well for me and I can't get it to espresso level anyway no matter how hard I seep it.

My mother would rather think I had a mental disease serious enough to cause hallucinations, or that I'm lying, than even consider the idea that my sister, who has stolen medication before, in a family where our hydrocodone vanishes regularly, might have possibly, possibly taken it.

I have twelve days, maybe ten days, until I can get a refill, I have a major assignment on Thursday when I'm smack in the middle of a migraine-like withdrawal headache, I have no extra leave to I can take even if I could get away with that because of my gall bladder, and my mother thinks I'm mentally ill that causes either hallucinations or pathological lying.

Okay, at this point in my life, I need some options and I'm not seeing any. I mean, I'm worried that she could convince me I'm crazy. She says I've been too depressed and too unhappy and now I'm too upset about this and I was just too upset. I will honestly say until now, it never occurred to me that I could be seriously mentally ill; now I can't get it out of my head, even though I'm going to say I'm pretty sure that kind of thing tends to be more general than whether or not I'm missing ritalin. That woudl be one fucking special mental illness.

And I still have twelve days until a refill and no options.

Posted at Dreamwidth: http://seperis.dreamwidth.org/34968.html. | You can reply here or there. | comment count unavailable comments

You are in the midst of a serious health crisis and what sounds like a stressful time at work. Having had my mom tell me I was overreacting to some really major ordeals (that I was NOT overreacting to), I say disregard her opinion. Illness can contribute to depression, so keep that in mind.

Your sister has a history of taking medication that is not hers. Simplest option is usually the right one. My mother thinks the cleaning lady's helper has stolen jewelry every time she can't find anything, then lo! A few days later she discovers the earrings someplace she normally doesn't put them. It's like the opposite impulse for your mom. Deny deny deny.

Have you ever tried Red Bull? Or some of those no-calorie energy drinks that are like concentrated caffeine? Do they trigger your digestive revolt?

Alternatively, muddle through. In the midst of major PMS-induced exhaustion, combined with what turned out to be a terrible vitamin D shortage, I still managed to deal with major work projects that required serious thought.

I bet others will have better ideas on how to get through without ritalin, though. LJ is canny that way.

My mother is currently denying she ever caught my sister stealing medication while me and my dad both talked over hiding places. It's--her reality is very strange.

Have you ever tried Red Bull? Or some of those no-calorie energy drinks that are like concentrated caffeine? Do they trigger your digestive revolt?

It does, but I have painkillers and a couple of medications for that. If it comes to it, I can run to the store and grab one and just deal with teh consequences when I get home. Which with my mother, will doubtless be proof of serious mental illness or something. I'm just blanking on how to handle any of this.

Meditation? Lots of careful focus on breathing sometimes helps me through panic attacks. Good luck; I'm rooting for you to make it without any murder or anything happening.

Yeah, part of right now is I'm panicking; when I calm down, I may be able to think of options. HOpefully none of them will be actually thinking I'm mentally unstable enough to hallucinate, because Jesus.

I can't help with the prescription but can you lock up your medications so your sister can't get to them?

First of August I'm ordering a medication box with a key lock when I find one with a key lock. Someone linked to amazon for some, so I'm going through there and finding one I can use.

I know it's a heavily controlled substance -- I have a family member on concerta, and we have to get the hand written prescriptions and physically take them to the pharmacy. Is there a way, though, to get a new prescription written for now? On the understanding with your doctor that you will get to the bottom of why there's a shortfall? My family member's doc will give us three prescriptions at a time, dated for future months, but usually there's a few days' overlap with current supply for the next prescription. Doctors can be amazingly good about that kind of thing if you call and put it to them. If you could just get, like, two, you could use those on the key days and muddle through on the others.

As to your family. Well, obviously from now on you need to hide and/or lock up the medicine. I know there's a huge demand for these meds among students -- I don't know her situation -- but it's everywhere. You could also get one of those pill counter things and portion out each day's supply to help keep track, locking THAT up along with the bottle.

Do you have any friends close by who could spot you even one pill? That would be security that at least that one day you'd have it.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have any ideas with regard to your mom. Just, I guess she's worried about you? Anything you can do to be calm/reassuring I suppose would be good, but her opinion is not really important here.

*hugs*

edit: I'm agreeing with everyone else that your mom is wanting reality to be something it's not for whatever reasons, so I want to clarify what I said about her. Reading it back it makes it sound like I could think she's right, which, no. No way.

Edited at 2010-07-14 01:52 am (UTC)

*sigh* Denial isn't just a river in Egypt...

Though my mother tries to deny my mental health issues away and questions my need for medication.

Not in any way the same, but I understand the frustration of a parent in denial. Infuriating.

Oh no. I'm so sorry. I normally don't over-comment on the personal posts of people I mainly friend 'cause I like their fic but my darling husband is totally non-functional without his Ritalin, and man... 12 days without is horrifying to even think about. :(

First, do call your doctor. Generally, yeah, no early refills on a schedule 2, but in some states there is limited wiggle room. I know we've been able to finagle an early refill when it was absolutely needed. Or, can you try the non-stimulant med for 12 days (strattera or vyvanse, I don't remember which... it doesn't work for everyone, but it might be an option...)? N has had decent luck with DMAE and B vitamins as a supplement when his doctor has screwed up his meds to help smooth out the rough spots. I don't know how they'd do on your stomach, though. Caffeine is probably right out, huh?

Unfortunately I have no good advice to cover the next 12 days, but please, please, please don't listen to your mother. Your sister has a history of stealing medication. Your medication is disappearing. Not a day or two where you might have accidentally taken it twice - we're talking about weeks of pills. The chance that she isn't the problem here is laughably low.

Have you considered searching her room on the sly? She might be hoarding some of them, which could give you a few more days of relief.

(My dad had a chronic auto immune disease that attacked his joints and left him in agonizing pain every day of the last several years of his life. For much of that time he used Oxycontin (both extended release and the immediate kind for breakthrough pain). His medication disappeared on a regular basis, often leaving him in agony for several days before he could get refills. Oddly enough, this did not happen during those times when my stepmother had left him again to live at her mother's. Everyone knew she was stealing his pills. His doctor told him she was stealing his pills. But he refused to listen, or at least pretended not to, and so wouldn't lock them up. Anyone in that situation, please take precautions, even if you think that they wouldn't do that to you. Maybe they have an addiction and can't help themselves. But nobody should ever be left in that kind of pain.)

(This is EXACTLY why I keep a stash of OxyNorm hidden away, which no-one knows about. At least I have something if someone in my family gets the idea of stealing my OxyContin/Norm.)

Occam's Razor - it's your sister. Is there any way that she might still have them? The suggestion above about maybe seeing if a friend could lend you one, or seeing if your doctor will prescribe one or two, sounds like a good idea.

I'm so sorry.

you are not crazy. your sister is stealing your medication.

You are not crazy; I would kind of be the first person to notice this, and I would not be shy about telling you. Unfortunately, several members of your family ARE crazy and its easier for them if you just shut up about shit going on.

Is it possible to go up to your sister and tell her that she did a really wretched thing, and that you have some extremely important things coming up, and she needs to hand them to you right now (assuming they were not...inhaled/sold already), in front of everyone? Very calmly. But I don't think you really tend to make scenes when it comes to this, and I think calling her out is completely warranted. Otherwise - maybe you could call your doctor, and explain the situation, and promise that it will be a one time thing as you will be getting a locked safe from here on out. It can't really hurt? If you think there's a chance she could get into trouble for that, and that's the only thing stopping you from doing so, then saving yourself from 12 days of agony more than mitigates whatever fallout in your family happens - it's not like they'd treat you nicely anyway, unfortunately.

If I had ritalin, I would split mine with you, and we could go through the withdrawal together, bb.

I don't know if this is at all helpful as I am not really familiar with what you might need as a replacement, but a friend of mine has sworn by these when she had to be awake and functional on no sleep at a professional conference.

I hate to be throwing stones, but it sounds like it's your sister, and not you. I mean, your life's been super stressful of late, but hallucinations tend to be more paranoid than missing Ritalin.

Do you have any way of getting away from all that, like a friend who lives near where you work? Or even a coffee shop that opens late, so you don't have to spend the bulk of your time at home. Unfortunately I don't know how to deal with not having the proper meds.

I'm sorry you're so stressed. D:

not sure why your mom is so much happier assuming you're hallucinating than that your sister is stealing drugs, but it's pretty clear you're not mentally ill (or at least, not in any new and exciting fashion) and that dear sis did indeed help herself.

research a lockbox and do talk to your doctor - there might be some options, even if you can't get a new prescription just yet.

I'm crossing fingers that things work out - too bad about the coffee thing.

I am pretty damn sure you're not crazy.

I think it's awful that it seems your mother would rather believe that you're hallucinating than that your sister is stealing (which she has a history of doing). It's a double whammy--being not only not supported but undermined while also facing the withdrawal.

I wish I had some miracle suggestion. I don't know if there are any alternative options, like acupuncture, that might work.

I don't think it's nearly as severe, but in sympathy if not empathy, I've faced abruptly going off medication--at least on the withdrawal/no refills bind. I take Lamictal for bipolar disorder/tendencies (depending on what doctor you ask), and once most of my pills were knocked into the sink and destroyed. The pharmacy refused to give me a refill early, and the psychiatrist wouldn't issue authorization either unless I came into his office that day.

I had to leave work immediately, with no notice, for something I was unwilling to explain. I was terrified of the withdrawal and then the rough re-stabilizing if I was off of the medication too long. At that point, I started to feel it if I was half a day late. I was fortunate enough that I even *had* an option.

I really, really, really hope something works out for you.

Oh man, I just faced that possibility this week. I'm unemployed, broke, and currently without insurance, and suddenly realized that I was about to run out of my Lamictal. My psychiatrist absolutely doesn't do refills without an office visit. I had been skating by on an extra paper three month prescription left over from when he took me from 200mg to 300mg, by taking a pill and a half a day. So of course I ran out weeks before the pharmacy expected me to, and they reacted badly when I tried to fill the final month. They finally agreed to do it after I explained the situation, but I'm going to have to call the doctor and work out with him what I can do in another 15 days - if he will give me another refill anyway, or if I need to go to the ER or find a cheap clinic or what.

I've accidentally skipped a dose before, and very idea of going off of it for real cold turkey terrifies me. Not to mention the headspace that would leave me in afterwords!

Would going to your local ER be a possibility, with the idea of getting just the amount you require until the next prescription is allowed? I don't know the legalities in the States, but I wonder, if this is a first for you on record, would the ER Doc. would have way to do that.