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people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


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the exit strategy - this is where a plan comes together. badly.
children of dune - leto 1
seperis
You know that dream you have about being naked suddenly and everyone is pointing and laughing? Yeah, I never had one of those. Wait, this isn't me being smug about my lack of nudity in dreams here; I am saying that with that entire surgery coming up, one of my big terrors seems to be that under the influence of post-anesthesia and painkillers I'll like, come to my journals and post something insane and friendship destroying.

(I'm sorry; are you judging my fears? Step the fuck off.)

This is haunting me; I was up in a cold sweat recently trying to work out an exit strategy. Because I'll be honest with you here; I won't even try the surgery/painkiller defense if I post something crazy. I'll be like, in metaphorical Burma or something with a new name and deleting every reference to Seperis the fanfic writer I can find while trying to find some kind of interest in Pokemon or anime or something that no one who knew me would be around. Possibly on ff.net.(God. I like anime, but not like that. This is so depressing. Do I need to learn Japanese and embrace loli? I suck at languages.)

But I did work out a plan. Here's how it will go.

1.) Wraithbait. Get the few fic there.
2.) Take out my webpage in a fell swoop.
3.) AO3 next. I'm being subtle.
4.) The dS archive and the trek archive I put fic in.
5.) Diaryland.
6.) Dreamwidth; now my plan is coming into focus!
7.) Livejournal!

Then I realized that I didn't even hit the fucking tip of Seperis' digital footprint.

Insanejournal, Journalfen, Metafilter, Vox, Fanlore, The Remixes, several messageboards, a few blogs, all my cowrites that other people have archived, dear God the mailing lists.

Because there is still the SSA that isn't self-archiving, Trekiverse, PTCollective, WolverineandRogue archive, some other--archives?--and like, I had this open archiving policy for a while and I fall on top of my fic in obscure archives all the time (thanks! I'm glad you liked it! Maybe tell me next time though? Just so it's not quite such a shock to see my name pop up in like Archive of Obscurity I Have Never Heard of Before?), and then there's the fact I used Jenn pretty interchangeably on my fic with Seperis before I switched full time to Seperis--seriously, that was because I was lazy and it was easier if everything matched and seemed less confusing to people, and I get that, too many names--and then there's usenet and that's goddamn eternal. Cockroaches and the usenet archives will survive the apocalypse. And then.

Then there is google.

Dearest God there is google. There is yahoo. There is wayback machine. There is every comment I have ever made. Icerocket, ljseek, bloglines, rss feeds, and that's when I realized that IRL I could vanish a lot easier and with fewer traces than Seperis can. I could get away with a new identity in a new city easier than I can on the internet.

I feel a fetal ball position coming on.

....God, that doesn't even include my email addresses. And Facebook. And MySpace. My AIM, YIM, GCHAT, ICQ (I don't even know the password to that anymore!). And I--don't know what else?

Right. People.

See, that's where I'd actually need that obscure area that no one who has ever met me ever goes; it's not that I'm so unmistakable people might guess on a comment. It's more I'm stupid and I see like, IDK, [personal profile] scy and be like "HEY THAT IS LIKE THAT FIC YOU WROTE THAT I LOVED ABOUT X," and she's like "OH MY GOD I NEVER POSTED THAT AND ONLY SEPERIS EVER SAW IT"--that is the kind of stupid shit I'd do. And not just once, mind you. No. I am not subtle in my stupidity. I mean, I want to say that it's my so-strict ethics that keep me from using sockpuppets and anonymous--no. My so-strict ethics developed from my fail to pull that shit off. I tried--once--in a flamewar ten years ago and I made a mess of it. And that's with like, seven other people telling me what to do.

And fact; I have posted pics, some of you have met me, vacationed with me, let me sleep on your futons with long metal bars through the bottom of them (no names or anything), got drunk with me, and probably would be a little suspicious if a strangely familiar person showed up at the con as YouDontKnowMeReally548 with an eerily familiar vocabulary in too-tall heels clutching a laptop and trying to look like I'm trying really hard to totally not know anyone, you know? My first vodka, just take me for a cigarette and I'll tell you pretty much anything you want to know. I may also want to cuddle; it happens.

(Also. I could be wrong, but I imagine a couple of people who have my mother's phone number just might take advantage of that fact. And by a couple, I mean; wait, why did I give people my mom's phone number?)

There's so much history, and it's not that I didn't know that--it's that I didn't know it like this. I don't blink when someone calls for me using Seperis at a con or out with fangirls; there's five pronunciations and I answer pretty evenly to them all (I'm textual; I have no idea how it's pronounced. I made it up! Then I found out it's an actual legit surname in Serbia circa 2004ish and I'm scared to find out what it sounds like). Half the people I talk to probably have forgotten my name is Jenn. Online, in fandom, in fandom spaces, I don't answer to Jenn as fast as I do to Seperis.

I don't have a problem with that, actually. It's mine the way my birth name isn't.

So this may be more complicated than I originally thought. Yes, I get that not-posting during this hypothetical anesthesia/painkiller crisis is a potential solution, but come on. If I'm going to post crazy, you think I'm going to like, ponder whether or not I should post?

I need to rethink my exit strategy. Maybe while eating this convenient Kit-Kat.

Posted at Dreamwidth: http://seperis.dreamwidth.org/29187.html. | You can reply here or there. | comment count unavailable comments

That's what makes me hot, y/y?

(The answer is 'y', btw.)

Oh lord, this post. ♥

I like to be prepared, okay? THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

Mmm KitKats. I agree with Winterlive; you are insane, but aren't we all, and in the best way? I did actually switch journals and attempt a purge a couple years back (my new name is so original, y/y?) but it was hard even as a lurker, I can't imagine doing it as an author.

Also, I totally get the name thing--I play WoW, and even though I now know the people I play with outside the Internets (they've slept on my couch, drunk dial me sometimes, etc) we still usually refer to each other by our WoW names b/c it's what we're used to calling each other. Ventrilo FTW--there's now a standardized pronunciation of my totally made-up name :D

I think my ego would have issues like whoa; Seperis would totes not go quietly into the night.

Also, I totally get the name thing--I play WoW, and even though I now know the people I play with outside the Internets (they've slept on my couch, drunk dial me sometimes, etc) we still usually refer to each other by our WoW names b/c it's what we're used to calling each other. Ventrilo FTW--there's now a standardized pronunciation of my totally made-up name :D

Ventrilo. I like it. Like a Spanish wine-latte.


Oh my god, you're adorable.

I had seven teeth taken out at the same time in day surgery once and I ended up slapping my dad across the face and calling him a whore while making the transition from anesthetic to morphine. He still drove me home and made sure I didn't decide to test certain theories I had about how I could fly.

What I'm saying is, I'm pretty sure people here will still love you and grant you certain flexibilities with regards to your posting practices while you're high as a fucking kite. What is surgery and drugs for if not a convenient excuse suitable for any occasion?

Also, if you leave fandom, I'll *die*. So, there's that as well.

I had seven teeth taken out at the same time in day surgery once and I ended up slapping my dad across the face and calling him a whore while making the transition from anesthetic to morphine. He still drove me home and made sure I didn't decide to test certain theories I had about how I could fly.

*dies laughing* I am scared of heights, but I do have this thing about going really fast, so there's a fair to good chance I will want to drive home. But I know for a fact when I am high, I get cuddly and inappropriate, so there is that to ponder.

(Deleted comment)
mmm legal drugs. That part sounds nice.

I tried--once--in a flamewar ten years ago and I made a mess of it.

Bwahahahahaha omg this would so totally be me.

You do have a pretty distinctive voice (understatement), so I'm sitting here LOLing about the anon thing. I mean, you're super talented, you could do it! It's just, it would take a LOT of concentration, I'd imagine.

Bb just give Winterlive your lj/dw codes, have her change them, then give them back after 24 hours. Ahahahahaha

God, I cannot trying to start from scratch! I MEAN HORROR. Plus, I don't think I can take another name? I'd confuse myself!

1) you could always lock your computer with some kind of algorithm that requires you do high-level math to log-in. Maybe that would slow you down while drugged up?

2) your flist will just assume it's Adopt a Different Personality Day or something and we're just not in the loop. You might spark a wave of "something insane and friendship destroying" posts. ....which might be as good as reason as any to try to erase yourself from the internet. Right.

1.) ooh, ,good one!

2.) ....holy shit disaster. *horror*

This made me lol, and that's when I realized that IRL I could vanish a lot easier and with fewer traces than Seperis can.

Coincidentally, last night, I don't know why, I decided to google my LJ name. Nothing much came up. Then I googled one of my on-line poker playing user names... I was surprised at what came up; hands that other players had posted to be analyzed, sites with poker spy software, hand tracking sites, poker blogs, ick.

Anyhow, I find your paranoia entertaining and your on-line presence to be impressive.
I regard you as someone whose posts are sometimes very, er, forthright. (yeah) I expect you could get away with posting a bit of "I love the fandom schmoop" or "I hate you all, brutality" and still be respected the morning after.

btw, in my head, Seperis is pronounced with an accent on the first syllable.

Take care. I want to be enjoying your LJ for a long time.

Thank you!

Coincidentally, last night, I don't know why, I decided to google my LJ name. Nothing much came up. Then I googled one of my on-line poker playing user names... I was surprised at what came up; hands that other players had posted to be analyzed, sites with poker spy software, hand tracking sites, poker blogs, ick.

Seriously? Oh wow, that is cool!

Oh, dear. You're really among my favorites, you know that? BECAUSE YOU'RE BRILLIANTLY CRAZY.

We could force you to jump through hoops before being able to post. Or change your password on you for a bit and only tell you it again once you sobered up.

The password thing might be the best bet? Yes. It would be. *firmly*

Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

The thing is, I should be reassuring you - but instead, I'm kinda seriously hoping you do post something hilariously high. Cause it'd be, you know, hilarious. I'm evil, I apologize.

On the other hand, you do have one clear option: Make a family member lock up your internet access devices until you can have a reasonable conversation. Or recite the preamble to the Constitution or something. A pre-determined Internet Safe Test. Yes, an IST could be the answer....

Or, you just let it happen. It'd be like when you have to look at a friend blearily on the Sunday and ask "WTF did I do last night?" Only on a much larger scope.

Yeah, I'm back to IST. But even if you do that - can you pleeeeaaassseee just have a computer in front of you with no internet access just so you could write what you should have said?! That would be AMAZING to read once you come back to the land of the coherent. ;)

Mostly, try to stop freaking yourself out. You'll be fine, Horace will be vanquished, and your good internet name will remain. (See? I can do assurance!)

Or, you just let it happen. It'd be like when you have to look at a friend blearily on the Sunday and ask "WTF did I do last night?" Only on a much larger scope.

God, the morning after. I don't want to even think about that too hard. *shudders*

Mostly, try to stop freaking yourself out. You'll be fine, Horace will be vanquished, and your good internet name will remain. (See? I can do assurance!)

I am doing a Conservation of Worry. I allow myself one freak out a day on one aspect of this coming thing. That is why this post doesn't include like, an interpretive dance and a capella recording of my low grade panic.

My plan, should I ever become rich and famous and need to hide the porn --

1. Buy a rename token on LJ. Rename myself something like Fangirl01. (LJ will automatically change my name wherever I left a comment.)

2. Delete the renamed Journal.

3. Buy another rename token so I can create a new journal called risti.

4. Delete that journal. (I think this will put a strikethrough all mentions of risti that people type into posts)

5. Repeat steps 1-4 for Dreamwidth.

6. And Journalfen.

7. Delete my various archive accounts.

8. give up and change my name

I totally get what you're saying, though, and I fail at being anon too. Like, AI RPF is really my first fandom where I'm actively participating in the porny side of things, and I went through this panicked moment where I was like "maybe I should create a new identity for this?" (since Risti is linked to RL email addresses, RL people follow my LJ, etc.), but then I was like TOO MUCH EFFORT TO SPLIT MY PERSONALITY YET AGAIN.

And any attempts I've ever made to go anon usually result in me coming back within a couple of days to go OMG SO JUST SO YOU KNOW THAT IS ME.

I also still use the same AIM SN that I used over 10 years ago in high school, but that's mostly because I'm too lazy to make a new one.

*frantically scribbles down your plan for backup* Genius!

Ah-ha, yeah. I would totally be screwed if I needed to walk away from 'butterfly'. I have a lot invested in that me. My ex-girlfriend (who I originally met online) called me 'B'. This is not the initial of any letter that's in my birth name.

On the plus side, I've got one of the most generic usernames out there - though the 'dm' that I have to adopt in some other formats is somewhat revealing.

Edited at 2010-06-29 12:11 am (UTC)

*grins* I've always loved your username. All the really good names go so fast in online personas!

You could always do the bondage thing and have someone tie you up until you're sober. :D

Then again, I'm imagining you posting while high would be much like reading Texts From Last Night, but infinitely more amusing. ^_^

I used to write porn when I was getting dental work. I'd wake up the next day and realize no, it wasn't a dream, I'd posted that.

*shakes head*

I see three possible solutions to the problem(s):

*Stop going on the internet at all. People will assume you have died (or gotten a life ;)) and start remembering you fondly quite soon.

*Post only on facebook. Everybody seems to hate it anyway. Please don't get Twitter and drunk-spam. 140 miss-spelled characters X infinity is so very annoying.

*STOP WORRYING! #WWALD? #TWALWD!

*laughs* That is a thorough list.

I don't blink when someone calls for me using Seperis at a con or out with fangirls; there's five pronunciations and I answer pretty evenly to them all (I'm textual; I have no idea how it's pronounced. I made it up! Then I found out it's an actual legit surname in Serbia circa 2004ish and I'm scared to find out what it sounds like). Half the people I talk to probably have forgotten my name is Jenn. Online, in fandom, in fandom spaces, I don't answer to Jenn as fast as I do to Seperis.

Oh, yeah. I actually prefer to be called delle in fannish spaces, both cyber and real. delle is me, the fannish butterfly that squees and costumes and tries to write and occasionally thinks thinkie thoughts but really sucks at putting them down in words.

my Real Life name? is a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend, an employee.

personally, I like my delle persona better.

It's weird how we create this online self like that.