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people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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airps snippet: house hunting, II
children of dune - leto 1
So I needed to cheer myself up, and weirdly, this actually worked.

House Hunting, II
by Seperis
Related to House Hunting.

In retrospect, Adam really thinks he should have known that it would take more than a couple of weeks to find a house; a good indicator of that might have been Neil and his mother's joint hysteria when he mentioned it.

They have seen; bungalows, town homes, lofts, cottages, villas, haciendas, mansions, and buildings supposedly zoned for residential use with names he never knew existed. He knows more about crown moulding, hardwood versus bamboo floors, open floorplans, square footage and LA's nightmarish real estate prices than anyone who doesn't work in the business should ever have to. He's even learned to ask the really important questions, such as "did a crazy artist live here and create murals that were lately painted over?" and "are any rooms upstairs installed with deadbolted doors with tiny slits just large enough to pass food and water and the former owner's significant other mysteriously disappeared sometime in the past?" because hey, he's getting this down.

Kris just looks more and more like he's thinking even puppies aren't worth this shit; Adam has no particular feelings on raising puppies, but there's something really disheartening when your significant other watches the AKC/Eukanuba National Championship with a wistful expression. When he starts scheduling time for international dog shows, that's just--something. Adam's not sure what that is, but he trusts his instincts. Logically, Kris isn't going to leave him for someone who will provide a stable home for his hypothetical puppies; then again, logically, Adam is not a person who gets into a shouting match with a real estate agent on mosaic versus tile, so there you go.

They're both mostly quiet on the way back to the condo, avoiding the subject of this particular trip as best they can. This is a Friday night, and sure, it's the only time this week they both had time for this, he just spent a normal Friday night discussing in all seriousness how he felt about gothic versus post-modern architecture, and he has no fucking clue what that conversation was about.

In short, he doesn't feel like a rockstar, but he has an uncomfortable feeling he's starting to sound a lot like his dad.

Kris goes to check his email while Adam moodily makes himself a sandwich and tries not to think too hard about the fact that--

"So," Kris says as he comes in the kitchen, looking at Adam across the length of the island with a determined expression. "I think--"

"Don't say it."

Kris bites his lip, looking down at the smooth granite. "We really--"

"Would a blowjob shut you up?" Adam asks hopefully, putting down the sandwich. "Take off your pants."

"--God," Kris breathes, eyes glazing a little, then shakes himself. "Look, I know we--"


"We can't live there."

Adam silently hates him. "I know."

"I mean," Kris looks around, hunted, "we can't." Restless, he circles to the refrigerator, trying to look certain and okay with this when hey, he's totally not. "I mean, it's--it's high maintenance--"

"We'd need second jobs just for the air conditioning bill," Adam agrees, taking the bottle of water Kris offers and viciously twisting off the lid while wishing for alcohol, so much.

"Right! And it's--stupid, who would build that?" Kris takes a desperate drink of water. "It's ugly. It's stone. It has a drawbridge--"

Adam squeezes his eyes shut. No, don't go there.

"A drawbridge," Kris says, softer. "We could live in a place with a drawbridge--"

"And turrets and three towers--three towers," Adam says, unable to help himself, then covers his face, because no. "Shut up, no, we can't--"

"--live in a castle," Kris agrees morosely. "Except tell me why again?"

Adam's hazy on that too. "Moat upkeep?"

Kris sighs, coming over to lean against him, looking heartbroken. "A moat."

"Yeah." Curling an arm around Kris' shoulders, Adam gives himself a moment to think of moving into a castle, the weeks of decorating, getting a huge and overwrought and totally amazing bed for one of the towers--God, towers--and waving at the paparazzi from the fourth floor balcony as they stare in futile helplessness at his motherfucking moat. Possibly surrounded by puppies. Which don't, actually, take any of the charm away. The parties. Finding a suit of armor to add to the ambiance. Potentially getting Kris drunk and having a legit reason for dressing him up like Cinderella and the puppies (who are starting to fit too easily into his narratives these days, he notices uneasily, and in plurals, too) accessorized with tiny mouse ears and coordinated jackets.

(For the hilarity, Adam tells himself firmly. Just for the hilarity. And there's always Halloween.)

Living in a castle. In LA. The jokes practically write themselves. And that's just the ones from their families.

Adam sighs, petting Kris' hair in resignation. "The puppies would hate it." They really, really wouldn't.

"Yeah," Kris lies sadly. "They would."

Oh, oh god. The puppies! They would like, get caught in the suits of armor. And the secret passages. Can't. Stop. Laughing.

(I love you.)

Edited at 2010-05-12 04:25 pm (UTC)

Can you imagine the hunt through teh passages at one am when a puppy disappears? My God.

Thank you!

I love you. So much. This was just what I needed tonight. <3

About two months ago, I went to Florence and lived in a tower for a week.

It was awesome.

Buy the f*cking castle, Adam.

...I am actually now seething with envy. IN A TOWER? God.

Thank you!

(Deleted comment)
*glee* Thanks very much!

(Deleted comment)
*smiles* Of course not.

Sadly, it burned in the last fire but there was TOTALLY a castle in Malibu, overlooking the canyons and ocean:


...wow. That is gorgeous.


Would the castle have a dungeon? With chains? Because they usually do, right? I'm only asking for historical and, like, architectural accuracy. Nothing at all to do with chaining Kris to a wall. Nothing. At. All.

In fact, just pretend I'm not even here asking you to write dungeon porn for Adam and Kris' hypothetical castle. Because I'm totally not asking you to. At all.

I'm pretty sure the dungeon was the part hardest to let go of.



My brain was about to disintegrate from rage at today's news from Arizona and you magically transported me to my happy place. Which apparently involves Kris. And Adam. And Puppies. And a castle.

Wow. So you not only magically transported me to my happy place, YOU TOTALLY REFURNISHED IT. *bows down to your awesomeness*

Seriously, thanks. You cheered me up out of what was shaping up to be a day of epic rage.

Oh man. *does not look at any news site again* I know the feeling.

Thanks very much!


I totally can see Adam humming this.

Oh god. Never stop cheering yourself up because I have the widest grin on my face right now. Kradam is better than Prozac.

HAHAHAHAHA, the worst part is, I KNOW THAT HOUSE. It burned down last summer in the Malibu fires, but the Castle House with turrets and all kinds of other shit actually existed. I used to amuse myself looking at it from the Cross Creek Starbucks in Malibu.

Yes, a castle would be ridiculous, but the world expects the ridiculous from you, Adam! Buy the castle - you know you love it.


They could have crocodiles in the moat to further deter the paparazzi. And when they're tired of the crocodiles, hey! New boots for Adam! Except when Adam mentions this, Kris is horrified because a) the ASPCA would hunt them down and b) crocodiles are not safe playmates for the puppies, god.

b) crocodiles are not safe playmates for the puppies, god.

I can hear this argument. It is kind of awesome.

yay! the world totally needs Adam & Kris (and puppies) in a castle! I was feeling really unhappy at the state of things, and this completely turned my mood around.

I'm pretty sure I'd read screeds of pages of their antics with a moat and a suit of armour and maybe a fully-functioning dungeon, if some brave soul (like, oh, maybe - you?) wrote it

Thank you! Their antics would be fun.