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people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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why my life sucks, short version
children of dune - leto 1
So last Tuesday, I discovered, in a horrifically painful way, that I can no longer tolerate coffee.

Stop and look at that. I cannot. Tolerate. Coffee. Even like, one drink. Because that begins a wonderful ride known as four long hours of excruciating pain in which I curl up in a little tiny ball and cry for my mother.

You would think Tuesday night would have done it for me, but no, it wasn't until Wednesday, the day I carefully and slowly ate oatmeal and crackers and then had one quarter of a cup of coffee that we identified the culprit, which was yes, another four hour miracle of why can't this horror end already.

Doctor: Well, don't drink coffee.
Me: *blank*
Doctor: Seriously. No coffee.
Me: I have no idea what those words in that order mean.

Other foods that are showing signs of being intolerable, though not yet at the human sacrifice of self level: anything I like to eat. Also, sausage, anything with tomato products, Pepsi original (shoot me now), potentially tea, possibly broccoli (God, wtf), pork (you have got to be fucking with me), and a random variety of other foods that give a vague warning of "Really, seriously?" which I am identifying by dint of first eating warily and then trying not to cry. I'm still okay with dairy products (caveat: this may go on the other list soon), pasta salad, beef, chicken, salad, bread, nuts, blueberry muffins, and all kinds of frozen burritos (still checking this one). This list is the things I have eaten since Tuesday. I don't actually like anything but peanuts, which ironically, I haven't tested in themselves. Because life hates me.

Do you know what my major beverage is right now? Milk. Milk. I have no idea how to deal with this rationally.

The plan is to wait a month, and tentatively reintroduce coffee--yes, that first--in tiny well-milked amounts and see if that does it, after being medicated. It could be the type of coffee, granted, but we're talking my two favorites, Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, and I'm thinking maybe try one of the organics and see if it's the processing? There's an amazing sumatran organic at Central Market, but I'm kind of terrified atm, so.

In more cheering news, Child just started Final Fantasy XIII, and I bought a new game, some books, and indulged myself with Victoria's Secret. I mean, crying is apparently not an option all the time. However, blank rage makes one's Dance Dance Revolution 3 a lot better and I jumped to expert for Hungry Like the Wolf, so go figure.

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I'm assuming since pork is out you can't eat bacon? That is a fate too tragic for words.

My sister has IBS so I'm familiar with weird food issues. She can't eat sugar or too much fat. Although this results in her having the best figure of all of us even after two kids, I can't say I envy her.

If it's allergies (I have pretty severe food allergies) you might try acupuncture. It can do a great deal to help - how I have no idea, but it works.

I think I would start getting very, very drunk if I were you at this point.

That's one of my NIGHTMARES. How about tea? Milky tea can be comforting.

You can get caffeinated candy, if it's something other than the caffeine. Or um - I would snort instant coffee granules at this point.

I am so sorry!

It does sound like IBS to me, and some people have it more severely than others. The trick is learning what you can and cannot eat, and in what amounts. I can no longer tolerate coffee in general, I can have about half a cup, and not every day. I drink tea now, usually not more than two or three cups a day, but, giving your digestive system a break, and eating easy foods for a while usually helps balance things out. I hope this works for you, I know how painful digestive problems can be, and rec keeping some zantac on hand for emergencies. I drink a lot of water, no soda, no carbonation, not too much tea, and keep cheerios on hand to settle my stomach when having a bad time. Good luck, and God Bless. -SB

my friend is having great success with food intolerance acupuncture.

Yeeeah. I've been through this kind of hell before.

It had nothing to do with food intolerances. My doc just wanted me to cut it out because of the anxiety attacks I was having. I tried to listen and follow instructions. My caffeine headaches had other ideas, though.

I don't really have any sage advice for you on dealing with the whole "No coffee!" thing. Sorry. However, Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts are trash coffee, really. And I drink Starbucks on a regular basis, so I understand your plight.

If you can afford the organic blends, they really are better for you. Do you have Kicking Horse coffee in the States? That's the stuff I make at home. They have a pretty great website that lets you check the levels of acidity in their blends. Maybe try something that's lower in acidity and milder? Because even the Starbuck Pike blend is for shit.

When reintroducing coffee into your diet and if you can get Kicking Horse blends in the States (or shell out to buy it and have it shipped or find yourself a friendly Canadian to send some your way), I'd recommend the Three Sisters blend or the Pacific Pipeline blend (here. Just go through the little circle icons to pull up the descriptions on the different blends).

Other than that...sorry? I guess? I feel your pain?

Uh. Are you still okay with alcohol?

>.> I hope it settles down soon. Rest well!

(Deleted comment)
Given the high acidity in the things you listed -- is your doc treating you for acid reflux/GERD or equivalent, I presume?

If not, that might be a good discussion point to bring up at your next appointment.

He gave me a list of the most effective OTCs to try first when anything happens, then we upgrade from there if none of those work. So I have those for backup right now for future events.

i feel your pain....the only thing that would make this worse would be to have to give up my vodka!

Stop and look at that. I cannot. Tolerate. Coffee.
Cannot read further. Am stunned by horror. Would DIE if it were me.

I've got IBS, and yeah, sounds like what happens with me. I don't like coffee, but I like sugary drinks that have coffee IN them (as long as they don't taste like coffee). Everyone comes up with their own way of dealing with it, but for me, taking fiber before I eat trigger foods absolutely cured me. I take my fiber, and then fifteen minutes later, I can drink my Starbucks frappucchino without agonizing pain!

If it is IBS, I recommend Citrucel or any fiber supplement without sugar additives. I take 2000 mg of Citrucel (yes, seriously--four huge horse pills) before every triggery meal. I can't guarantee it'll work, but it's worked for me.

What exactly brought all this on? This seems really sudden and horrible. I went through something similar when I got back from living in Bolivia for a while - I could only eat toast and yogurt. Occasionally more sugary bread products, like muffins or...well. Nothing else, actually. It was pretty horrible. 2 years later and I'm still really touch-and-go with milk products (no more cheesecake, chocolate mousse, very little butter and actual milk, but all the yogurt I want to eat) and sugary foods. You seem to have a much more extensive list than I did at first, which...is a good sign?