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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


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wind, caution, throwing things, etc
children of dune - leto 1
seperis
Dentist

It hurts. IT feels weird. There are sutures. I think we've disucssed this before. Take two.

Work, I

Vaguely unsettled, there's a guy.



There's never been one before like this, but there is now, and not in a good way. Vaguely freaked. Will probably never discuss this again, because there's this strange feeling of familiarity in what he's doing.

What's really getting to me was a moment of pure stupidity when I gave him my main email. I'm not untraceable by any means, just usually a hell of a lot more careful, but it just didn't occur to me that this was going to be one of those times where someone's actually interested *in* me. It's not that I care about content--he knows, hell, half the world I deal with daily knows I have a thing for the internet and writing, though not specifics. If he found my webpage and decided to print up one of my less tasteful bits of porn and make copies for the entire office, I'd be amused as hell, as long as it wasn't one of the ones with that horrible spelling mistake that I can't ever remember to fix. That's not what's getting to me.

The privacy thing really, really is.

Like--put it this way. When I had my own dorm room, I used to get damned freaked when people--groups of people, even--would just drop by without warning and without knocking. I got used to it, but I never encouraged it, even when I was feeling lonely. It was *my* space. It was my room, my territory, and damned if you come anywhere inside without my permission. Neurotic, you better believe it, but there we go. Later, when I had a roommate, I used to spend inordinate amounts of time around campus in small, concealed spaces to read or just think--and really, really hated it when people stumbled over and dropped down to chat. Not all the time, but there was always that vaguely crawling sensation that said, go away. I didn't ask, I didn't invite, stop and leave me alone.

When I was pregnant, I hated when people touched me like it was some God-given right to check out the fetus in the body. Hated it with a passion I can't even describe. After he was born, hated the fact that suddenly I had endless numbers of visitors who wanted to paw over him constantly and ask me personal questions about things which were none of their concern. That wouldn't leave me alone in body or head. Hated hated hated. He was mine, this was mine, and yes, I might share information, but on my own terms. And being made to feel bad because I wouldn't just didn't sit well with me. Even my family didn't get it, and I couldn't ever really explain the instinct that made me want to keep some things to myself and not others, and they never quite have understood the difference between being given the choice of sharing and being forced to share. When given the choice, unless I have a damned good reason not to, I will. When forced? Problems arise.

Which brings me to the here and now. This is my space, my life online, my identity, my toybox. I don't want him here. This isn't part of anything I want to share, just mine, and I choose who I share it with.

It's unreasonable, and I'm aware that three clicks or less of my email addy in google will redefine what a lot of my coworkers know about me--but the thing is, none of them would be motivated to do it, or be that interested in it if they did happen across. And if they did? Again, it comes down to the why they would. And for them, their motivation might be curiosity, and I can handle that. I don't like it, but it's not something that will keep me up very long either.

He--has motivation that isn't simple curiosity. And I gave him a shortcut to finding out more about me than I want him to know. Before anyone says it, yes, I know, penalty of the internet, the information age. Yes, I know. I know the litany. That doesnt' make it any less uncomfortable. My family knows because I chose to share it, not because they did a search up to figure out what I was doing. My friends know because I told them and invited them to have access. If my coworkers stumbled across something and asked? I'd tell. I've never been ashamed of what I do. Whether or not it's reasonable, whether or not it's even possible, I want to keep that choice of telling.

*sighs* I'm unreasonable tonight.



Work, II

So I had this idea. To make a handout explaining how to use the internet for job searches. Earlier this week, the computers at work caught The Virus That Is Really Damned Annoying, and I had time on my hands. So I drew up an outline to make a handout.

Now I'm just realizing that explaining is way, way harder than, say, actually DOING. I mean, how do you explain it? Click on IE icon. Type in address. Hit enter. I mean, it seems easy enough to me, but I'm helping peopel who don't regularly use a computer. I'm trying to keep it simple--an explanation of how to use the internet, the top three search engines and how to use them, and a list of links to websites that have job things on them, like the Governor's Job Bank and Austin360. You know, make it simple, so to speak. I got permission from one of the supervisors to do so. Life is good.

The handout I did on pregnancy seems to be okay--I handed it out in pilot form to three women who asked for services that just happened to be listed on there. Very nice. Pleasing, even. I wish I could get my hands on a really high quality printer and do a few really excellent ones to copy off of, but oh well.

Fandom

For the first time since I landed on the internet, I'm a girl without a fandom.



It's really, really freaksome. I am, have always been, a serial monogamist, with a fling or two for spice. Voyager, X-Men, Smallville. Het to het and slash to slash. With kicks of Witchblade and Spiderman in there just because they hit me right. Fandom is the means of social communication in fictional format, or basically, how I get inspired to write fanfic. Apparently, I was absolutely right when I say I need the social component. Without it, I'm not going to get a fannish word on the page. I suddenly can write originally faster than expected, or really wanted, but fandom's been how I took out my stress. Original writing IS stress, work is stress, my family is stress, and hell, even my friends can be a kind of stress. The balance is completely off.

Okay, so you'd think this is depressing, but I do get a kick out of being really, really right about myself. I so rarely am.

No, QaF doens't count. QaF is like whipped cream and ice cream combined, and I'm still very, very high on it. I have no idea how it'll burn or how long. And besides, I can't find ANYONE to sit around mocking badfic and extolling goodfic with me, dammit. God knows, I've bored Bethy and Pru and Celli to tears muttering about the wonderfulness of Brian.

And technically, I have no intention of leaving SV--i just want a hiatus for a bit so I can stop soaking up so damned much of it every second and just relax.

*sighs* I'm not relaxing. Gah.



Recs

The Color Series by Triskyfic. I had to think a lot about this one, since the theme thing going through it was sometimes distracting, but a few re-reads, it became less so and the story's solid and fun to read. I've done five re-reads--usually, at this point, I have to say I really enjoy it. A lot.


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Hmmm, can you change the main email addy? If you can change this stuff with reasonable ease, then by all means do so. Of course, I'm not sure what your main address *is*, so I'm probably missing something.

the jenn at the gateway.net one, which has been my fannish email since literally teh day I started writing online--a variation is jenn at igg-tx.net. I just don't give it out to people--I use my yahoo addy for non-fan stuff, which is probably opposite of anyone else.

Unreasonable and silly, I know, but. It's never been an issue before. There's actually never been anyone I actively DIDN'T want anywhere near my online life before. I mean, people accidentlaly running across stuff? Not a biggie, really. He just--makes me nervous. Like he might actually actively look around.

*sighs* Like I said, incredibly stupid of me. I just didnt' think.

Jenn,

There is nothing wrong in wanting a rest. Lord knows you have created a huge amount of fiction that we love.

I'm always happy to revisit your stuff and do so often. I'm in the process of rereading "Somewhere I Have Never Travelled" right now. I really love that story. I hope that you'll want to get back to your Smallville writing at some point. In the meantime I plan to re-enjoy the wealth of stuff you've already given us.

*hugs* It was just the second I was working on the Yard and realized, I want to kill everyone now. *grins* Refuel. Maybe rerun season is just getting to me finally. And stupid work, whic is sucking brain cells. Grrr.

Thanks for the pep, chica. *more hugs*

We all need a break at times, and you've certainly earned one, but even the idea of you leaving the SV fandom freaks me out completely. Not leastly because of all the unfinished fic I'm eager to see completed. But there's little point in trying to write it if you aren't enjoying it.

Hope you get your groove back soon.

*grins* Resting is nice. Kind of. I miss being obsessed with a story, though. My fingers miss being exhausted. *g*

*hugs* You're a sweetie.

i'm always happy to bash qafus badfic with you, jenn. and, hey, if you come across any *good* brian/michael in your searches, send it my way.

Katy Zapatka, I think, had some Brian/Michael. And the ATP is full of it. It just--so does not work for me. Though I think if I'd just seen the first season one ep at a time? It really might have. Frustrating thing.

*grins* I'm a sucker for bashing teh scary stuff. You know this. Must do soon.

Would like to de-stress you. Anything I can do?

*grins* You're doing just fine right now, chica. *hugs hard*

Between Highlander and Smallville I spent years without a fandom. I read sporadically of all sorts, but mainly was just completely out of any fan loop in existence. It was only when Smallville came along and Lex bit my ankles that I realised what I'd been missing. At least you rationalise it all clearly enough to *see* all that while you're slap bang in the middle of it.

There is no doubt at all that your work has brought joy and delight to the countless readers of SSA. Lorelei takes Sleep While I Drive everywhere with her as comfort reading and I'm sure others feel equally passionately about ather of your stories. You don't owe anything. At ALL. Yes, I am sure that there are hundreds of people willing you writewritewritenowJenndammit, but if they for a moment thought that they were adding to your stress I swear they would stop (glares at them. They *would*!) The whole life/family/friends/work/writing/leisure thing is a hard act to balance. Especially for someone renowned for their ability to write a lot, fast. More power to you that usually you do it so graciously and so well!

Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean? my slash focus has got side-tracked to there. Mainly becuase I read Ladonna King's WIP. You see? One good writer and suddenly I see the light *g*

I don't suppose the dental stuff helps the stress either (eek).

if I can help, email me, OK? Cadbury's chocolate?



Funnily enough I never really

*huggles* You made my night, chica. Tooth pain makes me insomnical and frustration is making me grumpy, but your post is cheering. Thank you.

Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean? my slash focus has got side-tracked to there. Mainly becuase I read Ladonna King's WIP. You see? One good writer and suddenly I see the light *g*

Okay, everyone has officially seen this but me. Dammit. I have to make time and go see it. Too much good is out there, apparently, and I'm missing it all.

*sends hugs* I'm doing my curled up in the chair moping thing. God, I hate going to teh dentist. Kicks me for DAYS. Gah.

Keep the QAF faith sistah

I have seen the face of God, and his name is Brian Kinney.

BTW what do you think of the whole alleged Michael/Brian UST. Am I nuts or is Michael just too ... well ... wholesome for Brian. I get that Michael wants Brian, I mean who doesn't, but from Brian's POV I just don't get the sexual appeal of Michael. Michael exudes about as much unbridled wanton sexuality as Cuddle-Me-Elmo. He's just too damn cute.

Brian needs someone a bit more carnal. Which is one of the many reasons why he and Justin are absolutely perfect together. I worship their OTP'ness!

Surprisingly, the other character I have really grown to love over 3 seasons is Emmett.

Re: Keep the QAF faith sistah

I have seen the face of God, and his name is Brian Kinney.

*grins* Makes all that kneeling everyone does to him perfectly sensible, doesn't it?

God, he's hot. So impossibly hot.

BTW what do you think of the whole alleged Michael/Brian UST. Am I nuts or is Michael just too ... well ... wholesome for Brian. I get that Michael wants Brian, I mean who doesn't, but from Brian's POV I just don't get the sexual appeal of Michael. Michael exudes about as much unbridled wanton sexuality as Cuddle-Me-Elmo. He's just too damn cute.

See, I could almost see it, but Justin attracted me more--he's so ruthless about what he wants and I admire anyone who is that impossible to shake off. Then Michael--I agree now. Michael is Elmo. Annoying sometimes, want to shut him up a lot, adorable, and cuddly.

Brian needs someone a bit more carnal. Which is one of the many reasons why he and Justin are absolutely perfect together. I worship their OTP'ness!

*grins* I suppose when you get the opportunity to train them up from the beginning, you get better results with your sexual partners. So they don't learn any bad habits.

Surprisingly, the other character I have really grown to love over 3 seasons is Emmett.

I'm with you on that one. I didn't think I'd like him that much, but he grew on me. He's just so alive every time he's on screen. So much fun to watch.

Must finish Brian shrine soon. *G* Got any fic recs by any chance?

*Holds on to seperis.*

Don't leave the fandom! Don't leave the fandom!

*Sheepish* Er, sorry. :)

*laughs* I'm NOT. Just recuperating. I may even start reading in it again soon, as I saved every story.

*huggles*

And technically, I have no intention of leaving SV--i just want a hiatus for a bit so I can stop soaking up so damned much of it every second and just relax.

Phew! Thank Someone for that.

Back when I first started foostering around the edges of SV fandom, way before I had an LJ or even attempted to write fic and just around the time I started posting at TWoP, me and my RL fangirl friend had a big confessional convo one night about our new fandom and how we'd be checking out the slash. Anyhoo, my friend said, "What stuff have you been reading, because I found this brilliant author called.." and then we both said "Jenn" at the same time. Your stuff is wonderful and it's good to know that your muse is not dead, only sleeping.

*blinks* really? *flushing* That's--heh. I have no idea how to respond to that but with the really dumb giggling I do when I'm all glowy. Thank you so much for that!

*hugs hard* Thank you very, *very* much, honey.

After reading this post I just want to sit you down in a big comfy easy chair with a glass of white wine and give ya a lengthy relaxing foot massage.

You've had quite a year with going back to work, being a mom person, and now *god* oral surgery and snoopy invasive guy at work. Who wouldn't be knocked a bit off kilter. Stress sucks and pain sucks harder and I'd be happy to smack this jackass, that's hassling you, up side the head, if I could. Shit, some people do not have a clue about 'privacy' and 'personal space' and what is appropriate office behavior.

Jenn, what you've given to this fandom has been stellar and I adore your art (it is you know). So be as generous with yourself as you have been with us and don't worry (I know easier said than done), kiss your kid, take a deep breath and know we love you.

Need a distraction? I rec some outstanding porn by shaenie on her website, aptly call "Mindless Entertainment with No Redeeming Features". Not SV or Brian but Pretty Boys doing lovely things to each other is always a good.
Her Convergence Series (guh) will chase those blues away, I do believe in the power of porn !

*g* and *hugs* Vee


I second that.

No, you don't know me. *grin*

::hugs::

For me the dental stress would be enough to kill off any interest in writing. Give yourself time to recover!

Hopefully you will recover from the dental stuff, continure your fannish vacation in QAF for a bit, and then feel the pull to return to SV naturally.

:-)

and as for the guy - well hopefully he won't follow up - but if he does you CAN take steps: change your e-mail, or block his. There are options.

hopefully he won't be creepy! Fingers crossed for you!

{{hugs}}

I blocked on AIM--I didn't think on email to do it, but I should. He wrote this weekend. I'm not even going to bother worrying about it now. I just answered, deleted, and read more porn and took more antibiotics. Gar. And got glasses! pretty ones!

Heh, I am far too happy about those damned glasses.

*huggles* Thanks, sweetie.

Hugs from a respectful distance. A quiet room with a big scary guard out front. A soundtrack of your choosing. Kid in tender, trusted care. Just enough painkillers/treats/other ingredients to get you to a mellow place. And pictures in your head of whoever happens to wander by to play.

These things I wish for you, in return for all you've given me and fandom as a whole. The writing will come when it does. Take time for you now.

Love, Janet

*sniffles* That's one of the sweetest things I've ever heard, chica. Thank you. Very much.

I get the privacy thing. I *love* my own space. Hell, it's why I love living on my own, why I tend to spend my weekends inside my place, frequently without even going outdoors for the entire 48 hours. It's mine, it's comfortable and it's relaxing. It's the entire rationalisation behind why I'm currently spending half of my income on rent (I could get a flatmate, but then I'd have to *share* my space).

Honestly, I think it's something that runs in the family. Both Mum and Dad like their own space, and time to themselves, and neither are particularly social. (My brother's the exception.) I mean, when it comes to sharing with extended family, it's just not something we do. Dad's family is all in England (and easily avoided) and we've always had periods of years when we hadn't seen Mum's family. An example of this is that my little brother was two, before the extended family even met him or knew about his existance. (It peeved off my aunt, but it's not her life, it doesn't affect her, and it's not as if she has some god-given right to know about everything happening in our lives just to provide her iwth a topic of conversation...)

So, personally, I see your need for privacy and space alone as perfectly normal.

*nods frantically* Yes. And yes again. And yes a few more dozen times. I need my space to deal with people at all, and without it--well, I'm not too good for anything.

*hugs a lot*

I have become completely and utterly sucked in by Brian&Justin. I have given up. Le sigh!

so. um. if you ever need someone to blather with about it, I'm ready and willing.

Give into it! They're impossibly pretty and have sex a lot. I think these qualifications make them ideal.

Also, there's a plot, or so I've heard. I keep getting the VCR stuck on the non-plot parts. *puzzled* Odd, that.

*grins*

Come over...play...write....

*sends subliminal signals*


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