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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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think of this as a way to discover your hidden talents!
children of dune - leto 1

Earthquake in Acapulco, so we have disease and disaster, let's wait for famine. I am placing twenty on locusts, and have started my pre-Thunderdome preparations, which is to make a list of lots of techopunk and post-apocalyptic movies to see what we're up against and what I should be looking forward to. Do we think Bladerunner could be a potential model? If anyone says "A Handmaid's Tale", we are not speaking again.

I have a feeling no one will be attractive covered in dirt and barbed wire, but you know, my standards doubtless will lower once the New Dark Ages come. They'll probably be something like "So how are you with building network accessible caves?" and "Can you hunt because I can't and that's just how it is."

The World Health Organization has raised the alert to DEATH TO ALL CTHULHU DELIVER US, though they are cleverly couching it in less inflammatory terms. Though I do appreciate that last line intoning about the last two great pandemics of 1968 and 1918. Because let me tell you, that is what I need to read right now.

Also, the US is under a public health emergency now. And right now over Texas, there are dark clouds and rain. Possibly these are related. Cthulhu is not pleased.

Okay, does anyone but me keep looking at their conveniently handy copy of The Stand and want to alert anyone who dreams of a.) Scary White Guy or b.) Magical Black Woman to please post immediately? Also, don't go to the Scary White Guy. I mean, in no book ever does that end well.

For current references on the sloping shape of darkness on the horizon like some kind of slow motion George Romero zombie movie, Death Map of Death. Go to the left column, click on check none, then cleck influenza, and stare in wonder at the marvels of technology that brings us the shape of our fate.

You may or may not know that a.) I slept really badly last night and b.) I had a very long day at work. I cannot say I would prefer my future life in a tent city fighting viciously for the last orange and shiving anyone who tries to get my network connection while I'm downloading the last known copy of Dr. Who, but I will say there is a sort of brightness in never having to return to work again.

So, to drag this out again--Your Post Apocalyptic Personal Ad, for when civilization falls. What skill sets are you looking for in a mate (group, commune, unit, etc) at the end of the world, and what can you offer in return? Yes, sex is completely acceptable.

I just needed to tell you, your Daily Updates From The Apocalypse are becoming some of my very favorite things. HEE. I will almost be sad when the great pandemic happens (or, you know, more likely doesn't, despite that strangely desperately hopeful gleam in that CNN anchor's eyes), because it means no more Cthulhu!

Now I have to go read The Stand again. Last time I read that book, it was flu season in New York and I was reading it on the subway, and every tubercular cough made me jump a MILE. Great. I can't wait.

(Have you seen "The Postman?" Not the Oscar-winning Italian movie, the one with Kevin Costner. My first plan post-apocalypse is going to involve starting a Pony Express. It'll be fun!)

Edited at 2009-04-27 10:52 pm (UTC)

Whoops, forgot the end part.

Wanted: Male companion for post-apocalyptic companionship and good times. Must have good knees, immunity to the Great Plague, MacGuyver-level ingeneuity, and the ability to quip dryly while handling a sawed-off shotgun. John McClane, here's looking at you, kid!

In return, I offer my brand-new Pony Express idea (we'll make a killing, and I even already have the ponies!). Hey baby. Wanna repopulate the planet?

Wanted: John Sheppard. Deluxe edition. Comes with Kung-fu grip and extra super duper survival skills. That often involve being shirtless. Will offer back massages, random information and a collection of opioids that would make a junkie salivate.

You can't have him, he's mine.

Though I might be willing to share. Maybe.

What skill sets are you looking for in a mate (group, commune, unit, etc) at the end of the world, and what can you offer in return? Yes, sex is completely acceptable.

Ideally and in a fictional character:

Wanted Methos because man has survived previous collapses of civilisation, probably knows how to make beer from hops, definitely knows how to cultivate land and may know where to steal solar panels from.

Willing to offer: Aside from culinary skills and companionship I'll happily offer sex. And bookshself space for his diaries.

The third one counts as post apocalyptic.

I'm looking for the hot red haired chick. Granted, the death rate near Alice is pretty high, but given how few people survived tot he end of the Resident Evil movies, my chances with her are still higher than without.

Re: The third one counts as post apocalyptic.

...I want you to know that I read the first sentence and assumed you meant War.

Though I do appreciate that last line intoning about the last two great pandemics of 1968 and 1918.

Yes, tell us about how millions of people died. That'll keep folks from panicking.

I was thinking rain of toads. But yeah, it seems like poor Mexico is being smote.

And also yes, do not do not go to the black magic woman or creepy white guy. ::shudders::

I read a very interesting little book yesterday called "The Demon in the Freezer," which is about smallpox and how it was eradicated and yet, we still hold onto samples of it because what if someone else still has some and we need an antidote.

Never mind that if someone has it and knows what they are doing, they can create a virus that rips though previously immune's system like tissue paper. But my point is; it could be worse. It could be smallpox. We'd be totally and completely screwed if it was smallpox.

Based on today's weather, I'm very, very concerned about the possibility of "Waterworld." Look, I'm willing to offer the myriad skills taught to me by the merchant marine, but if Kevin Costner shows up, 17 years of swimming ribbons and three water polo national championships will not stand in the way of me drowning myself. But if you like, I will teach you how to cook me after.

I already have bugs! Earwigs are taking over CA! Really! Yuck!

I'm an accountant! In The Stand those were the people who either died because of being too dumb to figure stuff like out how not to die in a walk in fridge or ended up in Vegas with the Walking Dude.

I declare there will be no apocalypse until I acquire a better set of survival skills.

I agree with person above: Methos. He can probably knap flint, for god's sake. If not him, then MacGyver. Can offer gardening skills, two small dogs for guarding/alarm purposes, and quite a stash of canned and otherwise preserved goods. I think we could hold out for quite a while chez Pouncer.

Are we sure that these aren't signs of the Apocalypse? I mean we narrowly avoided any such happenings when the world's clocks turned to 2000....Maybe we really need the Winchesters...especially Dean. Sam too but definitely DEAN Winchester! It may just be that because all of those seals are opening the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse are nigh.....and we know that Death/Methos is only semi-reformed....Grab your cans of salt, ladies and gentlemen these may very well be the end of days.

*has already sharpened the cutlass under her pillow in preparation for the zombie hordes*

Wanted: Female Methos. Or, you know, Methos, I'm sure we can all share. Must also be willing to rescue my best friend and her companion of choice.

Can offer: Storytelling and ability to follow instructions for not dying in the post-apocalyptic world. Also, the ability to cook delicious vegetarian foods. Failing all of that, female companionship.

I'd ask for the Doctor, but we know how well that usually turns out.

Before this apocalypse, I need to remember to get a copy of this. It will be a cheat sheet for the future, not just the past, and will vastly add to my offered skills.

DON'T PANIC. Have you got your towel?

Clearly this calls for a modification of my zombie apocalypse plan, but a few minor tweaks, and I think that it'll be good to go. However, if that woman from 28 Days Later would want to come with anyway, I think that she would be just as useful in a plague situation and she was in a zombie apocalypse. After all, zombies are effectively giant shambling bacteria.

A more general version of my previous ad:

ME: SF with hunting, demolition, and chemistry skills; martial arts, weapons, and extensive first aid training. Defensible, arable lands w/ multiple weapons caches.
YOU: Sarah Conner, Ellen Ripley, or Sam Carter. Kids and dogs are great. Male SO is acceptable, but will not be breeding with me; manual release of "tension" is it.
Any religious nutjobs, quislings, empire-builders, or cannibals will be summarily turned into fertilizer.

I really hope I don't need this.