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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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child: on saturday nights
Entertaining yourself on a Saturday night....

When Child complains about Niece:

"Child and Niece, sitting in a tree
First comes love, then comes genetic testing for possible conditions
Then comes hopefully adopted sprog in a baby carriage"

[context: this works much better when both children are aware of a.) incest jokes, b.) genetics and c.) their aunt told them both they were actually adopted from aliens, and therefore are doomed to mate. This could in fact bite me in the ass when they reach their majority, but right now, I'm very bored and their expressions are really really funny. I should make them watch Roswell. I can be cruel.]

On the Sci-Fi Channel, some movie involving Merlin (different one) and Child Expresses Dissatisfaction:

"You love Merlin. You want to marry him. You want to have baaabies with him. And Arthur!"

Child takes five seconds to consider before eruption. Luckily, I am a.) spry and b.) in ownership of a locking door. Eventually, he has to get tired, right? Right.

[context: this works best after a.) the DNA discussion of the night before and b.) me telling him that I am signing him up for the male pregnancy trials.]

[note: I'm betting this will work like whoa after puberty hits. Remind me please?]

Admit it. The reason people really have children has nothing to do with biological imperatives. It's really just the joy of being able to destroy lives without leaving home. It's like writing an apocalypse, but more immediate, really.

You know, this would all work out for him better if he stopped hiding my DVD sets. I'm totally telling him I think he's growing ovaries the next time he mentions Merlin or Fraser. Or his weird, inappropriate crush on John Sheppard.

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Mr Pi and I are totally agreed that the reasons to have children are in order to procure (in no particular order):

1. Someone to fing the remote control and bring it to you.
2. Someone to do various household chores.
3. Someone to screw up. (Because, as we often remind each other, If you can't screw up your own kids, whose can you screw up? ...Other than the three neighbor boys, who, by virtue of being in our house for approx. 14 hours a day, are, de facto, our children for the screwing up. So far, so good.)
4. Someone to grow up and -
(a) Major in something dull but lucrative, in order to support parents in European luxury lifestyle.
(b) Specialize in world domination, in order to etc.
5. Someone to make imitate mockingly when they whine for the 86th time "It's not faaaaaaaair."
6. Someone to cuddle, occasionally against their will.
7. Someone to yell "I love you! Have a great day! Wash your hands before lunch!" to when you drop them off at school.

Um, in #1? "Fing" = "Find." Sorry about that.

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