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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


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the new martyrdom for the middle class
children of dune - leto 1
seperis
Etiquette Hell, where I am currently reading about the seemingly common form of wildlife known as the Bridezilla.

Okay, even stripping away exaggeration, classism (you can kind of see that coming when the writer uses the words 'prestigious' with 'college' and 'tacky' with 'decorations', at which time I settle in to contemplate how snobbery seems to increase in direct proportion to how much one's husband is making), and what seems to be, in some cases, deeply seated personality disorders....

I give up. Do weddings really drive people crazy? I can do a ninety percent bullshit deduction and still be absolutely terrified of anyone engaged for the rest of my life. I pasted it to adannu (and boy, I wonder if she's speaking to me, we were both reading it as of seven this morning with a sense of disorientation. ), and what actually strikes me the hardest (hence my blankness), is that (almost) everyone writing in is just really, really stupid.

Here is the Generic Bridezilla Victim Profile--

1.) Asked to be part of the wedding, then beaten directly after while the bride yells MY DAY MY DAY MY DAY and then orders everyone to not get pregnant and searches out hideous dresses that could actually make burqas make a big comeback.

However, this is okay. The bride is stressed and OMG IT IS SUCH A HONOR.

2.) Hand tatting the bride's veil while she tries to strangle her directly after hand writing in calligraphy a thousand invitations on home-made paper made from extinct trees the OP chopped down and processed herself OUT OF LOVE.

(If you know what tatting is, you just winced so hard your fingers slid over the keyboard. Because only a masochist would try that. My mother, accomplished in some of the finest handwork I have ever seen and used to sell her extras, tried to break her tatting needle thing. We are lucky we do not own a smelt or something.)

However, this is okay. The bride is tired and OMG IT IS SUCH AN HONOR.

3.) Is not invited to any of the parties/some of the parties/all of the parties but expected to bring many gifts/one expensive gift/money. And is insulted/derided/mutilated with a ritual knife if these demands are not met.

However, this is okay. OMG IT IS SUCH A--really? I--don't know why, really.

4.) Spends thousands of dollars on airfare and hotel rooms, spends a week decorating for entirety of the wedding with handcrafted and professional level decorations without complaint, negotiates between wedding party, family members, and guests like a nuclear winter in the Middle East is on the line, and holds the bride while she cries because one ribbon is one tenth of an inch shorter than it should be. Then the bride drops her from the wedding party because at the weekly bridesmaid weigh-in, she has gained an ounce.

However, this is okay. Did I mention personality disorders?

5.) They go to the morning/afternoon/evening wedding where there is crappy food/minimal snacks/no food/poisoned kool-aid. Everyone stays.

No, really. And help clean up afterward.

OR

5b.) Is literally sent to the kitchen like a re-enactment of Cinderella to act as the entire wedding guest list's personal servant. There may be spitting involved, but oddly, no singing mice or glowing godmothers.

However, this is okay. Does anyone see a pattern?

6.) No one, other than the victim, sees anything wrong with this.

However, this is okay. Fuckall if I can figure this one out.

7.) Victim is accused by friends, family, guests, random passers-by on the streets, and during three separate seances of not being supportive of the bride.

....yeah.

8.) The bride does not send a thank-you note.

NOW SHE HAS GONE TOO FAR.

I'm serious. I--wait. I missed one.

9.) She's still a good friend!/At my wedding, she had better be a better bridesmaid!/She has turned everyone against me and I cut myself at night!/I married much better and she has forty-five kids and is divorced!/MY HUSBAND MAKES MORE MONEY! (there are a startling number of 'we are poor now (no comment) but that is because we are in college of course getting really awesome degrees' bridesmaids; strange.)

*hands*

I really can't even think of a conclusion here.
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In my capacity of bridesmaid/maid of honor I have prevented brides from killing their mothers, negotiated various pacts among family members, prevented the death of parental figures, crawled under the brides skirt to attack the dress to the undergarments (actually I think there were two of us, it wasn't even that big a skirt), done the brides hair/makeup/decorations, PREVENTED PARENTAL DEATH, talked the bride down, told the bride to take a pill and that I'd be back in 20 minutes, PREVENTED HOMICIDE re: MOTHERS, and offered tissues.

Bridezillas stem from a deep seated need to spend MORE THAN YOUR DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOUSE on a wedding, which is absurd.

...okay, I have maided twice, for my cousin and sister, and I think the most stress we had was it started raining during the ceremony and my sister, being my sister, ignored with flair until the vowing was done.

I was still in the Army and just injured when my sister got married. I was her Maid of Honor and let me tell you, she was a bridezilla. I flew in for the wedding and was immediately besieged with decorations and flowers and practice dinner. Then, to top it off, my sister actually told me I was her last choice for Maid of Honor because her first choice was pregnant and her others couldn't make it. 0_o I seriously think something about weddings damages the female brain, and I vow never, ever, ever to let that happen to me. I will take medication, damnit!

Ummm, yeah, sorry, still a sore spot. I think brides are generally evil and should be avoided at all costs.

*WINCES HARD* I am sorry to give you flashbacks. Ewww. Just--eww.

Do weddings really drive people crazy?

Short answer, yes. Long answer takes longer than my Mucinex-addled brain can formulate, but suffice it to say that we paid for our FUCK YOU MOTHER SIMPLE AND EASY wedding ourselves specifically so that we'd avoid the bridezilla nonsense, skipped the pre-parties, put a FUCKING GORILLA ON TOP OF THE HOMEMADE CARROT CAKE WEDDING CAKE (my best friend, a chef, catered the wedding as a gift to us for just the cost of the food, he made the cake himself and crashed the tiny little biplanes into the homemade cream cheese frosting beneath the gorilla that had a little bridal veil on its head and was clutching a tiny blond groom in one hand and mom refused to eat any of it), told my two bridesmaids to just find simple, fall-colored, knee-length dresses to wear, and I STILL ended up in tears at the rehearsal. Blessings on my Gramma, who knew what I wanted and just stood up at the end and busted the damn 'receiving line' up.

So. Yeah. They do. ::hack::wheeeze::

This sounds similar to what my sister did, only my mom was totally for it, cheaper to make dinner for 10 people, buy some flowers and decorations and have a wedding at the house than to actually do the traditional stuff with a caterer and stuff.

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See, I have to believe the vast majority of brides would not survive to the wedding if this was so common.

...I have to believe this.

... *boggles*... Maid of Honor once. I showed up. [the most stressful part was finding a dress. For me. Because apparently, nobody my size should be in a wedding in any capacity. I think the bride suffered more than I did through that.] I had the vague feeling that I was supposed to do something more than show up, with the dress, and not fall over, but the bride didn't give me direction and I had no clue, so. Um. Yeah.

Pretty much that's all I've ever been required to do.

Yes, weddings do make you crazy. Now add all that crazy to an "I can't stand the guy she's marrying but grin and bear it" situation. Oh yeah, I can't wait for this wedding to either be canceled or over with.

I've been a bridesmaid three times. All three were outdoor weddings in Great Lake states and only one of the brides was smart enough to have it in late summer when it was guaranteed to be warm. The others had theirs in late spring and in both I was outside, shivering in polyester. Only one led to mud splattered shoes that I could never wear again, though. In the other, the bride was carefree enough (and wise enough) to let me put on my boots after the ceremony. The fourth wedding I was in, I did one of the readings and it was perfectly pleasant and drama free. And inside.

Also, I am highly considering eloping and having a nice catered party after the fact at home. This is actually be contested by my stepfather of all people.

Wow. Sounds like the kind of wedding where you want to give them a nice knife set as a present.

http://www.wednet.com/articles/KnivesAsGifts.aspx

Etiquette Hell taught me that the word "classy" means exactly the opposite of whatever the speaker/writer means it to mean.

It seems to be one of those qualities that you only assert the presence of of when it is in doubt, like sobriety and truthfulness.

This makes me glad that I will follow the traditions of my people: Eloping.

Or DIY weddings.

My parents got married in my Grandma's back yard. Between the ceremony and the party, Dad went fishing, Mom went swimming.

The only advice? Pay somebody else to do the food- a BBQ or something. My Grandma did all the cooking and had a total meltdown.

I can live with that expectation.

Maid of honor three times. The second was the most bridezilla-like. Three showers to which I had to bring presents. Insane bridesmaid dresses which my mother made. Still referred to as the Frederick's of Hollywood dresses (dark purple with black lace overlay). Bachelorette party which I had to plan.

And to top it off, I had to convince my father to take communion because he was the only Catholic on her side of the church.

Great times.

Oh my. *sends sympathies, wide eyed*

I am frequently pressed into service for weddings (mostly because many of my friends are not religious and therefore have no church to get married in, and I can marry people legally in all 50 states) and I have learned the following things:

1. Bring tissues. (Oddly, it is usually the groom who needs them.)

2. Bring bottled water. No, really.

3. There will always be a last-minute nailpolish crisis. (Sarah's sister was flash-drying her last-second manicure touchup in a bowl of ice water while the processional was starting.)

4. No matter what the bride says, smile and agree, and then go solve the problem your way.

5. Performing the wedding means that you are exempt from wearing bridesmaid dresses. This is the best possible thing that could happen.

...I am tempted to ask if you decided to go into doing the services to avoid the dresses. Because if you did, I will state now, after reading that website and this journal entry? You. Are. Brilliant.

3. There will always be a last-minute nailpolish crisis. (Sarah's sister was flash-drying her last-second manicure touchup in a bowl of ice water while the processional was starting.)

That is so bizarrely true about every single special event. It's the one time I can feel deeply superior for biting my nails.

Luckily, none of the weddings that I've been involved with have involved that kind of insane drama. My cousin had a lovely wedding, held at her parents house, planned on two weeks notice, (the groom was shipping out for overseas military duty). Of course, the weddings in question didn't involve people who are invested in big showy events as status symbols either. I suspect that if you can avoid that attitude, it's probably going to be much easier on everyone's nerves.

I'm thinking it helps, yeah. My sister's was about that quick and simple, too.

Thank you for letting me rant, still angry after 18 years!

When I got married, I was very nice about it. Reasonable. Sane.

My mother, however, had been tasked with the insane Bridezilla behavior of my sister two years earlier and had sworn she wouldn't go through that a second time, so she was terribly alert for any instance where I might be trying to push her around. Every time I ventured an opinion on anything, she'd react by verbally body-slamming me to the pavement, "We're doing this MY way, or your father and I aren't paying for the wedding!" After a couple of months of that nonsense, I finally took her out to the back porch and explained in calm tones that the next time she threatened not to pay for the wedding, ComicbookMan and I were going to elope and there wouldn't be a wedding to pay for.

She was okay after that until the night before the wedding when she hysterically ordered me to go downstairs to tidy up our finished basement "just in case we entertain visitors down there after the wedding." My maid of honor did her job and got me out of there before I killed the mother of the bride. So Momzilla went downstairs to tidy up and saw a big, ugly box next to where my gown was hung and wrestled the box under a table with a long tablecloth on it, hiding it from view. There, much better!

Except that was the box containing 150 little boxes of expensive hand-dipped chocolates with our names on them that was supposed to be by placed everyone's plate at the reception that I'd put next to my gown so I would not forget it. And I forgot it. *sigh*

So I'd say weddings bring out the crazy, but it's not always the bride whose crazy is brought out.

Re: Thank you for letting me rant, still angry after 18 years!

*winces hard* Ooh yeah. *winces more*

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Ooh man, the classism was strong in that one.