Seperis (seperis) wrote,
Seperis
seperis

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it's like a very textual christmas

Stolen from brown_betty, and seriously, can you breathe? I can't breathe. I am laughing too hard.

Review of Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable at Amazon. Currnet cost?

$499.99


Sample:
I installed one of these cables between my gigabit ethernet switch and my Canon Pixma 6700 color printer. I know it's not a sanctioned use, but I was looking for the ultimate in speed and color fidelity. I'm freaky that way.

The first time I downloaded a picture to the printer over this cable, the bits moved so fast the printer collapsed into a naked singularity, right there in my office....


Yeah. This is the greatest review ever.

...and there are nineteen pages of these. No, really. These? Awesome.

ETA: IT BREAKS THE SPACETIME CONTINUUM!

This connection isn't sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be sometime around 2007 for whomever is reading this. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES. Something... happens with them. Something came through, something from somewhere else. We were overrun in days, not many of us are left. WE LIVE UNDERGROUND! ONLY YOU CAN STOP IT NOW. SAVE US. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES.

I don't have much time. This connection isn't sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be--


CANNOT. BREATHE.

ETA 2: IT CREATES NINJA TURTLES!

Is it possible that these cables are the earthly embodiment of perfection? I though so.

Like an idiot I didn't follow the instructions that came with the cable. Instead, I "accidentally" ground them up in a blender along with a pile of Monster cables. What came out was a green, glowing, runny substance. I wasn't sure what I could do with it, so I threw it out of house and onto the garden. What happened, no one could have expected.

Apparently most of the ooze found its way onto a family of turtles. It began to physically change them. It has been two weeks now and I have four teenage turtles in my house constantly breaking things with their martial arts. I'm about out of pizza and would like Denon to explain how these seemingly flawless cables could have caused such a problem. I read all of the warnings and didn't find anything in them about not blending them up and pouring it on turtles. I would like a full refund, or at least, Denon to cover my pizza bill.


Breathing. For. WIMPS.

I love Mondays so much.

ETA 3: IT BRINGS BACK THE DEAD!

When I received the credit card bill for this totally amazing cable, a miracle occurred. The sheer horror of her grandson squandering money caused my thrifty grandmother to turn over in her grave and awake to life to come warn me that I needed to watch my finances more closely if I wanted to survive the impending financial troubled times descending upon our country. It's miraculous restorative properties have given her another ten years of life according to my doctor.
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