You know, there's this--thing.
I had to write a hideously embarrassing email to ask for a favor from a friend on a thing I owe, and I have no idea why that bothered me so much. It took pretty much half the day to even open my email program, and I had to do it from gmail because it was more impersonal than my usual email, and that doesn't even make sense. Earlier in the week, I took an extra nearly seventy-two hours to apologize to my closest friend for what appears to be, at least in readable conversation, a psychotic break.
It's my sister, maybe, and my family, in general, and last week, yes, and probably ten thousand other things that I'm not thinking about because, frankly, I'm just that good at ignoring what I can't do much about it. But I'm beginning to think there's a small part of me that would like, for a bit, to try and see just how much I, personally, can make things worse. Pretty sure this has something to do with all the things I don't have control over and wanting to create some situations where I do, very pop psychology and creepily how my mind sometimes works. It's perfectly logical. And it's like knowing you're depressed because it's low dopamine. Knowing does not actually help.
Really, really need a vacation. Somewhere with coconuts.
So I caught up on Supernatural. As I do that.
Mainling a ton of eps because my comfort is John Sheppard or Dean Winchester killing lots and lots of things, I went back to season two and worked forward and backward. Here is what I have learned.
1.) Sam's soul seems to have some--cracks, let us say. I'm not sure what's up with that. I can't tell if it's out of character or just character development; Supernatural tends to not be sure of the difference, so how could a layman figure it out unaided? I don't even know if it's something I looked for only because I thought I was supposed to. But Sam finding his inner gunslinger is making me curious. Sam finding his nearly cold-blooded inner gunslinger is making me rather happy, actually.
I just--I wonder if Season One Sam could have shot the werewolf girl like that. If either of them could have. The others are even more problematic, but those I enjoyed. As I think evil things == fiery gun death, whee!
2.) Dean's weirdness has moved from whistling past the graveyard to a strange and vaguely frightening death wish. I don't actually think Dean has a death wish; it's more I think Dean read a lot of fanfic and decided he liked the idea of having one. It's very James Dean and very dramatic and very much something he'd consider thoughtfully while polishing something high calibre. I really don't know what to do with it. I kind of want to slap him. I don't think this is the healthy acceptance part of grief. He'd have to have, say, notice grief.
3.) Jus Ad Bello gutted me for some reason. It was the bait and switch, and then it was the almost-there, and then I just stopped and went, oh, come on. Come. On. It was more than my perennial frustration with Torchwood and lately, Dr. Who (really. Just once in a while. Everyone *can* live. Really! IT DOES NOT ALL HAVE TO BE SPITTING IN THE WIND OKAY?). It's not that I'm all about the happy ending every time. It's just, it does not have to be a bittersweet, dearly bought in blood half-victory or bitter, bitter, bitter defeat snatched from the jaws of success. The werewolf one made me cry and made me want to make everyone watch BtVS a few times. This is like BSG all over again, where I never watched an ep without flinching both before and after, because even when it didn't hurt, it still hurt.
...I think I'm losing my apocalypse kink. Oh, this can't be good. Not good at all.
4.) ....I am sure I had something here. I do not think going through twenty eps at once was a good idea. I just have this horrible feeling this is not going to get better, but just put new kinks into worse. I actually think Dean free of the contract will make things very bad and right now, while I cant' imagine why, I'm sure Kripke can.
Note: loved the seven deadly sins visiting. I had it playing on my ipod while I tested last week, and watching 3.01 with Dean being Dean and Sam being Sam while my boss looked at me suspiciously while I muttered "Oh shut up and die, Deady Sin Guy, humanity's skirt wasn't too short."
In closing. Dean. Shooting things. Better.