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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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cost benefit of running over someone in a parking lot
crimes two
Dear Speedie,


I have no idea what the usual speed limit in a parking lot should be. Especially one that measures--not too big. Pretty small, really. Maybe it is sixty miles an hour and I was totally in the wrong when I stepped off the sidewalk to cross the parking lot while you whipped by me close enough that perhaps, I did indeed see my life flashing before my eyes.

It was, in fact, multidimensional arrays. But whatever.

Now, here's the thing, Speedie.

Maybe it's legal, I don't know. And in running me over, you were in the right! I doubt it, but hey, crazy world. Let me explain what would have happened, even so....

1 - police report, requiring you to explain in detail how fast you were going, if you saw me, and miscellaneous detail. If I was generous, i'd say an hour. But with a death? I'm thinking you'll be talking until your voice gives out.

You're right! But they do not care. They are looking at my roadkill-like body and chewing gum thoughtfully. Yeah. This will take a while. Say hi to the DA for me. Just in case.

2 - my relatives. You don't know them, but my sisters are nuts and Child has the creepy potential to turn into Inigo Montoya with a laser "You killed my mother, prepare to die." It's not that I encourage it, it's just how it is. Now, granted, my sisters are a toss-up; this could go to the WHEE INSURANCE place, but one can plead post-partum depression and the other can plead some kind of during pregnancy depression and both can do basic math. If you are worth more than my insurance, the words 'wrongful death suit' are in your future. And they will cart in everyone that ever was in the same room with me to cry at my tragic death and wasted potential. Tiny infant nieces and nephews will be held up and poked to bring tears. Child will cry artistically for the cameras. While plotting your demise. Again, think of Inigo Montoya. I cannot emphasize too much that Child has the potential to build his own island and start experimenting on things I'm pretty sure only show up in comic books.

You're right! But they do not care. You get that, right? They. Do. Not. Care.

3 - guilt. I will haunt your ass until they drag me out of this dimension. Whether you feel bad about it or not, you will deeply rue my untimely demise well before I'm done. I will have eternity and a grudge and it's like you never saw a movie or something. Seriously. Go watch one.

You're right! But I do not care. Prepare to freaking suffer.

So think about this. You saved an entire one and a half seconds in real time with that speed. One and a half seconds. Maybe two. Maybe. Is it really worth it against the potential of what will assuredly be a lifetime of utter misery? With Child Montoya?

This has been a message from a coworker who didn't die, no thanks to you. Please consider driving below NASCAR in our tiny parking lot? Thanks.


...That was beautiful!

(Navigating a mall parking lot is taking your life in your hands. Crossing said parking lot with small children? Sort of like the scene in The Princess Bride where Wesley's swinging Buttercup out of the way of the fires. *grin*)

Pretty much yeah. I was still staring. I mean, I almost never double check, but this time? I did. With my foot almost off the damn sidewalk. It's just freaky.

You should print that out and post it on a wall somewhere, because WORD. And I'm very glad you didn't die.

I'm just surprised this one day I actually doublechecked and wasn't wearing my headphones. I was just blinking, thinking, he can't be going that fast. I'm not even sure how he managed to *get* that fast.

Sounds just like navigating the parking lots here on campus.

My anger is less eloquent than yours. I kicked a car that almost hit me once.

Oh man, I wish I had. I don't even know where I went. I was still standing there with one foot out going, huh. That is strange.

Tell me I can metaquotes this

I'm very glad you didn't die. Also I'm very glad you wrote this post. Hee.

I am very zen and not looking around at all for anyone with a car matching that description. At all.

Botched assassination attempt. Clearly one of your coworkers is part of a sleeper cell.

Oh god. It's a good thing I seem to be alone in the lab right now because I just giggle-snorted in a really undignified, really loud manner.

You can totally sabotage his cubicle. You can rig his chair so that when he spins around in it to answer his phone, it clamps around his skanky buttocks and speeds up until the centrifugal force flattens his arteries into raffia and his heart bursts out through his nose. You can rig his keyboard so that when his fingers come down on it they fry and he comes away with stubs. You can rig his phone so that it flash-fries his hair and zaps his (small) brain with a tightly controlled beam of gamma radiation.

Or Child could. You should let Child do it. Under supervision, of course.

*hugs* I'm glad you're okay. What a moron.

Wow. The post is amusing in a very pointed way, but I have so much empathy on nearly getting run down. Once or twice it's been my own fault in that I hadn't looked first (because sleep deprivation is not the ideal for crossing the road), but also just my bad luck with cars. I'm glad you're okay.

I am deeply disappointed that you aren't actively encouraging Child to emulate Inigo Montoya. Deeply.

The local EMTs and ER nurses have a motto for such occasions. They just wave at the vanishing tail-lights and say, "See you later."

(Of course, one time one of the local ER nurses said that to the Corvette that tailgated and passed her at speed on Route 3, and the guy went off the road at even greater speed later that same night and crashed into the front of an abandoned gas station, which split the Corvette into two pieces and did even worse and more permanent things to the driver . . . so she felt really really bad about it afterward. But I think the moral of the story is "Don't piss off the ER nurses, because it will only end badly for you.")

"Don't piss off the ER nurses, because it will only end badly for you."

I fervently believe this applies to more than just driving.

Very glad you weren't hit; after a similar incident happened to me I never put my car keys away until I made it inside. If a car got scratched while I was waiting for speed racer to go by, well, I can honestly say that all I was doing was standing there. Stock still. Waiting for it to be safe to cross. Petty when compared to death, most certainly, yet ultimately satisfying.

I'm just glad you're okay... and very amused by the idea of Child Montoya.

It is never legal to hit another person. Whether the person is jaywalking, in a parking lot, or whatever. Small comfort if they do get you, I know.

I've been hit by cars twice. Both times they were making right turns on red and just didn't bother with small details like pedestrians in the crosswalk. Now I glare at the license plates so I can at least get them if they get me.

Here from metaquotes with nothing to add, other than applause, and an icon you might like:)