Seperis (seperis) wrote,

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and lo, upon the horizon, my libido approaches. I ignore it.

In continuing adventures of How Jenn Got Her Libido Back--this is tagged 'unrequited'.

Relates to my startled realization I am, in fact, human, and suddenly find myself in the middle of a crush. So embarrassing.

So class. Funnily, I fell asleep during class on Tuesday, so homework was extra bizarre in that all my notes were written in a way that didnt' encourage reading them. Randomly--I still can't IPO or diagram a program before I write it. I mean, I can, but it's impossibly hard. Whereas I can get the skeleton of a program up and boom, I can do everything. Part of it has to be how I write as well--I can't really pre-plot an entire story all that well either before writing it. I mean, I *can* and have, but usually it works a lot better if I wait until I'm a bit in and can see what patterns are already there and how the shape will develop.

Beside the point.

We were talking with some other people before class about using tabs in output text, and etc etc etc--anyway, during the lab I was having my professor check my flowchart (Okay, I admit, I get a kick when he writes on my charts stuff like "nice design!" I am very in need of outside approval. Judge all you like.), and while waiting he went to print his; since our professor had been working with him on his, I appropriated it to read, and he gave me a look and then asked if I'd lost weight since the beginning of the semester.


Jesus God. Also, I realized he's taller than me, and I remembered he used to do calesthenics regularly and carried large firearms and probably sweats attractively. At some point in his life, not too long ago, eh wore BDU's. He's also smart.

Will not throw self at guy-with-girlfriend. I actually won't and wouldn't--that alone actually acts nicely to kill libido quickly--but seriously. My physical type. And I'd love arguing with him, and I'd enjoy mocking him, and I'd enjoy both coming from him.

My only real solace is hoping he's actually a total asshole and the charm of arguing with him is actually him on his very best behavior. Or he is a playboy. Or he eats raw squirrel. Kills cats for fun. Hates Atlantis. Please.

When I was a young and cocky twenty, I used to go dancing at Fort Hood. Don't stop me if I've told this story, you can totally skip it. This was soon after the Odd and Disconcerting Married Guy Has Sex With Best Friend in Hot Tub All Three of Us Are In And Offers Threesome And Hands Me Their Bathing Suits While I Drink Vodka And Ponder My Life; anyway, I met Sean.

Sean was hot.

Never before or since have I met, dated, or breathed near someone that unearthly. I keep thinking I must have imagined it, but I check my barely used diary from that period and yes. Yes. Even then, I'd boggled; first, on that he existed, and second, why on earth he was interested in me. Anyway, Sean is the reason I picked up a truly surprising thing for military; he would walk around in his uniforms or breathe or just stand still and I would just lose the ability to think rationally. At nineteen, I knew crushes and I'd even been in love, but I'd never, ever had that kind of purely physical, visual response to anyone.

The odd part is, he was supposed to be my try at a one night stand, but after i sent him home, he called again for dates. And more dates. Dates that didn't even involve nakedness or removing my bra. And I think that at the time disconcerted me greatly--I'd already categorized him as that guy I slept with once (wanting to get that entire sleeping-with-random-people-phase-going-that-just-never-worked-out) and then boom, he was around and buying me food and the really horrific truth is we dated for a couple of months and I still have no idea what kind of person he was. He just--was so attractive, and I was used to falling for guys who were brilliant and overachievers and sharp and fantastic speakers; the shock of finding someone purely physically attractive was something I couldn't quite figure out. A lot of my memories of him are arranged in visions of him doing some kind of nightshift thing and me staring at him while he walked around the office, staring at him when I woke up after he came back from working out in the morning, or staring at him while he breathed. There was, I repeat, a lot, lot, lot of staring.

I have no real idea why we stopped seeing each other; I called about Saturday, he didn't call back, I left a message, then I blew it off. I never saw him again, and a part of me nervously thinks that he was aware of my admittedly-shallow reaction. Granted, I assume it would have eventually worn off, but for all I know, maybe I was just lousy at sex. Eh.

But--it stuck. I got to know a lot of guys in the army, from all night card games and dancing and house parties and etc, and I liked them a lot as people, but I will admit that Sean set a certain place in my head for this insane knee-jerk of God, yes when I see a uniform.

It's not like I'm reading anything into it--I just had one male coworker ask if I gained weight, and my BMI still sits stubbornly at just-overweight that annoys me. Stupid weird inappropriate girl reactions. I need to find my zen. And he needs to stop arguing with me so much because hey, that's foreplay to me and wow, I am so glad class will be over in a few weeks.

In closing: damn him. Also, I looked like hell because I am determined to never look like I am at all trying to in any way appear attractive. OTOH, I finished all my programming up and got to leave early before I did something idiotic like wander over and ask to read his etchings.

Maybe I should get another rabbit?
Tags: jenn's life, jenn's school, unrequited
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