?

Log in

No account? Create an account

The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


Previous Entry Share Next Entry
five things i don't admit i've seen
children of dune - leto 1
seperis
Niece's books arrived. SGA S3 arrived (stolen by Child almost before box was opened). Had long, surreal discussion with coworker about precognition, dream interpretation, and waking sleep.

This is always a problem for me personally, because I tend to live anecdotally--this is why you will rarely hear me talk about aliens, ghosts, predicting the future, or weird coincidence outside fic. It's hideously uncomfortable because it's unquantifiable. I don't mind my religion being unquantifiable or unprovable--that's kind of the point--but when dragging out how one's baby sister apparently had a discussion with Grandpa a couple of hours after he died is one of those things that I feel requires some amount of alcohol, a very late night, and someone having lost deeply at poker.

I miss big holidays with my family when it was extended. Those were good times. And if you were very small and hid outside the dining room, you would learn far more about Uncle Bob after his demise than you ever wanted to know.



Like I said, hideously uncomfortable.

1.) Alien ship. Three, actually, but two I can't be sure of due to age, so I tend to only claim one.

It was late, and we lived in the country, and it was night, which already proves I'm totally right because X-Files taught us all that if you are going ot be kidnapped and you are not Scully, these are the requirements.

It was late one night, as nights do, and I was at my bedroom window. from there I could see the road that intersected with my street about an eighth of a mile to teh west. I was a sulky teenager and having that thing where I stared at the window at odd hours and hated everything. I'm fairly sure I had Bon Jovi playing in teh background.

Anyway, I watched a pair of whitish headlights come down the road. Nothing new. In fact, if I'd stood up at any time before the last moment, I never would have known anything had been odd. What made it odd was about--hmm, one hundred feet from the intersection, the lights took flight.

I have never claimed to be quick on the uptake. I watched the dark line of the road and went through every possibilty, up to and including the very real possibility I was asleep. Except I wasn't, and my stereo played on and nothing changed in the five seconds that lapsed between the moment I saw what I'd seen and the now except for everything.

Except nothing did.

I also never, ever discuss this after nine at night. And never when I'm in the country. Or when I'm sober. I am blaming the Wendy's breakfast food. It was intoxicating.

2.) Ghosts - I've never seen one in whole, and I'm not sure that's even the word for what I see. I don't even claim I can be sure they're ghosts--from nine at night until around seven in the morning, they *arent'*, because I live in my head and my head and I don't want to deal with that. But sometimes, there's a flicker on the edge of vision, like watching a pond ripple when a fish touches the surface. It's so ignorable, and so easy to pretend it's anything else. My vision's bad, it's been a long night, I'm tired, I'm moody, it's the wind, it's the air conditioning, it's a million thing but this one thing that I always know when I see it, recognize when I feel it. It's not cold and it's not dark, and I don't think it even knows I'm there, or if it does, it doesn't matter. And it doesn't scare me until after, when I turn on all my lights and worry I'll see it again.

I don't know why that scares me, except for the fact it doesn't scare me at all.

3.) Precogntion and Deja Vu - my coworker and I were discussing theories of de ja vu and my most weirdly frequent dream-theme, which is repeating the same action over and over until I get a differnet response. No, seriously. I don't always remember what they are--I rarely do, but I remember stopping during the dream and saying, no. Not this way.

It's an insane dream, always, with like dragons and vampires and people with improbable eighties hairstyles--but I'll stop halfway through and say, no, do it again. And I'll start from Point A, trying this time to see if I can change it, what I can alter to make the outcome what I want. It's been hours of dream-time or sometimes years that I'll walk the same path and try every fork, going as far as I can before I turn back because I know that I have to find another way, this one, this one's wrong, and sometimes, I don't know why it's wrong. I don't even know what the outcome is supposed to be. And most of the time, I'll wake up exhausted and grumpy and wondering what happened, just knowing that I must have found it, whatever it was.

I'd say it has a lot to do with my deep seated desire to control everything coupled with laziness that tends to make me seek out people who will do it for me while I prod.

Except for this.

I'll read a book. Start a conversation. Step onto a plane. Walk into a room, a building, a park. And there's a second of vertigo and something like euphoria, and I think, now. I've done this, said this, and I don't know if it ever shows on my face or in my voice, but I know you'll say this, I know that if I do this, this happens. I know and I think I've been waiting for it, and then five seconds, five minutes, it's over and I have no idea what just happened. And sometimes, I won't even believe it did. I don't even remember why I cared, if I smiled and said hi. Nothing ever comes of it--I didn't meet my soulmate, gain a fortune, save the world, helped an angel get its wings. I kind of think once I actually sprained a toe during my Great Moment of Have Done This, and I have no tolerance for pain, so really.

But I never stop feeling something did.

And it's deja vu, of course it is, except....I wonder if I've done it before, in a dream, dress rehearsaled my life, this moment that I never knew was signficant, worked it over and over until the outcome matched, until the events lead to this insignificant moment that was so hugely important that my own mind made me go through it a hundred times to get it right, ground it into me so thoroughly that I lived five second or five minutes by roat and reflex becuase it was so important I couldn't be trusted to do it right otherwise.

Or conversely, after, I blink and wonder if the point was this was my last chance to change it.

4.) I used to talk to myself a lot. I still do, but most of teh conversations I'd carry on in my head, because one looks a lot less insane that way. But there's this point in my life where I think I used to have someone talking back to me.

I can't even prove that one, not even in my memories. Like my claustrophobia, my fear of heights, it's this feeling that I missed something, something big enough to fingerprint me and never feel it.

5.) Coincidence is random serendipity, I know this. In a chaotic universe, it happens. It's never huge and magical and strange and it's always ordinary and I never wonder until I do.

I don't have examples, because it's commonplace and it never matters until one day, it does. Sometimes its coffee and cookies and sometimes its class and sometimes, someone calls and asks me a question that I just read, wants a book I have. Sometimes, we're at my grandmother's and need a left handed woman's golf club that she picked up at a garage sale last wek in a box of books that include three Anne McCaffrey I hadn't read before.

I don't even know what to say about that one.

6.) BONUS ROUND: this isn't even supernatural, but it's odd.

Every once in a while, when I'm reading, when I'm writing, when I'm crocheting, talking, laughing, I'm cold sober and suddenly I'm euphoric. It's more intense than any drug I've ever taken, and this is up to and including the magnificent stuff they gave me at the hospital during that thing where they stuck the camera down my throat and I fell deeply in love with the universe.

Sometimes it lasts for minutes or hours--when I'm writing, I can keep it going for nearly a day if I don't eat and keep the caffeine. I know it's physiological in some way, my body doing something new and hormonally strange and I have no objections, because it's rare and it's good and I have never objected to such gifts.

Euphoria. I've done it on vicadin and ephedrine, I can induce it with ritalin but don't because I need it for it's *purpose* and I won't screw that up; I can do it with alcohol and I did it a few times with pot and once with LSD before that thing with paranoia and tasting colors hit me so hard that to this day, I do think i'd probably try to jump off something very high rather than live one hour that way again. But it's nothing like that at all. It's soft and warm and bright and I'm absolutely certain, sure, there's no doubt that everything is okay, that it will be, and I---I don't want to just feel it. I want to share it. I wnat to do things, like clean a house or write a novel or crochet a blanket, talk to a friend and tell them what I am absolutely certain that all this time they have needed to hear, buy gifts and go running, make sure that this second isn't wasted.

There are others, but they delve far into the things-that-have-happened-when-I'm-not-really-sure-they-happened-or-I-did-imagine-them.



It's still so--I keep reading back and thinking about how I feel as if I should be reporting to Area 51 clubs.

So. Wanna share?


Deja vu traced back to dreams. *shrug* Just a few incidents, but some of them were weirdly specific.

*taps foot in encouragement*

Fairly certain I saw a ghost as a child. Wasn't anyone I recognized but he was clear as day and I'm almost 100% certain I was awake. I clearly remember sitting up in bed staring at this figure standing next to my bed. He was young, dark hair, sort of pensive looking. No idea why he was there. Never saw him again.

I rarely remember my dreams and when I do it's because something strikes me with such fierce deja vu that I realized I dreamed whatever is happening the night before. Sometimes I remember my dreams upon waking and wait for the events to happen. They usually do. They're usually unremarkable and insignificant events.

I have premonitions. I've avoided two potentially serious car accidents because I "saw" what was going to happen before it did giving me more time to react. These particular two premonitions I remember quite clearly and happened 10-15 minutes before the event. I have little premonitions all the time. Almost always visual. I see something in my head and then the event happens. Could be some sort of hyper-aware observation or paranormal. Not sure.

I rarely remember my dreams and when I do it's because something strikes me with such fierce deja vu that I realized I dreamed whatever is happening the night before. Sometimes I remember my dreams upon waking and wait for the events to happen. They usually do. They're usually unremarkable and insignificant events.

Exactly. It's never something magical or huge--it's so humdrum it's almost like--why?

I have premonitions. I've avoided two potentially serious car accidents because I "saw" what was going to happen before it did giving me more time to react. These particular two premonitions I remember quite clearly and happened 10-15 minutes before the event. I have little premonitions all the time. Almost always visual. I see something in my head and then the event happens. Could be some sort of hyper-aware observation or paranormal. Not sure.

That is perhaps the coolest thing I have heard today.

I've had deja vus as well, but mostly for really short moments, nothing longer.

I remember being about three years old - there was a calendar on the wall of my room with dolls on it - and one day the current doll looked out of the calendar and talked to me. (But well, I was about three, so yeah. *shrugs*)

My mother told me that one day she was driving through England with my father (we're from Germany) and they were driving through a small town they had never been to - and suddenly she could tell what was behind the curve of the road. Every curve of the road - as if she had been to this town before.

I remember being about three years old - there was a calendar on the wall of my room with dolls on it - and one day the current doll looked out of the calendar and talked to me. (But well, I was about three, so yeah. *shrugs*)

*blinks* Wow. that would have given me a terror of dolls for *life*.

My mother told me that one day she was driving through England with my father (we're from Germany) and they were driving through a small town they had never been to - and suddenly she could tell what was behind the curve of the road. Every curve of the road - as if she had been to this town before.

*intrigued* That is--wow.

UFO's: seen twice, both when I was growing up in small town Ohio. On the one occasion, the entire family and a neighbor were witness.

Ghosts: the family house back in Ohio, where we all grew up and Mom still lives, is haunted. Little old lady who died there when Mom was a kid (she remembers the family who lived there then) is still hanging around. Everyone in the family has experienced/seen/heard strange goings-on for as far back as I can remember. She's not scary, she's just *there*. I feel her presence strongly whenever I'm there.

Odd stuff: When I was a kid, I had a recurring nightmare. I'd actually run screaming through the house and try to get out the back door before Mom & Dad would catch me. I was asleep the whole time. I remember the dream vividly, even after all these years, most the oddest thing is the feeling it gave me. Like my body was detached from everything around me. Even the bed that was right under me...it was like I was feeling it from a long distance above it. And some times I still get this feeling. Usually when I'm in bed, on one side or other of sleep, but once in a while it happens when I'm wide awake and sitting at my desk, or on the sofa, or anywhere. I can almost make it happen at will if I concentrate on it. And I have no idea what that's all about, or what good it is. *shrugs*


You know, that sounds vaguely related to out of body--I've read very very casually about that and wondered sometimes what it was supposed to do. Maybe access something more cerebral that the body interferes with or something?

*mulls*

Every once in a while, and I mean a *while*, I get an extreme feeling of detachment, but usually it's in relation to my environment, where I feel I'm in teh completely wrong place at the wrong time--almost as if I'm not supposed to be there. Actually, funnily, i was telling Madelyn about it the ohter night because it happened while i was in Florida with her for the cruise and had mildly freaked me out.

*mulls more* Food for thought. thank you for this.

I predicted an earthquake a couple of years back - we were driving through NorCal, and suddenly I just said, "There's going to be an earthquake here. Next six months. Big one."

Four months later, there was.

*blink* Okay, that is *awesome*.

(Deleted comment)
*dies laughing* that is made of win. So *much*.

*still giggling*

I dream things that come true. More often when I was a child, and sometimes it's weeks or months later when I look around and see the exact circumstances I dreamed, and they're happening. Never anything major - walking down a particular street with a particular person. A movie preview, oddly enough, in the days before the internets made them ubiquitous. Always something that's out of the ordinary enough to be distinct from my normal routine. I keep wishing that I'd dream winning lottery numbers, but so far it hasn't happened.

My mom knows when bad things are happening to her family or friends. She won't have talked to them for weeks and then thinks that she should phone them. Only to find out about a medical crisis or accident or any number of bad things that just happened that day.

Never anything major - walking down a particular street with a particular person. A movie preview, oddly enough, in the days before the internets made them ubiquitous. Always something that's out of the ordinary enough to be distinct from my normal routine. I keep wishing that I'd dream winning lottery numbers, but so far it hasn't happened.

*sighs* You and me both.

I wonder about that, the ordinariness thing. There must be something about it that makes it different, you know?


Deja vu. Constantly during certain periods of my life, certain years of high school and a couple stretches through college, sporadic the rest of the time. And it is the STUPIDEST, MOST MUNDANE CRAP EVER, the polar opposite of a life-changing moment, like knowing that the person across from me is about to sneeze and then a green Saturn with a busted tail-light will drive by and then a bird will crap on the table two over from us. Like that. The longest I've ever had it last was about a ten minute stretch of conversation where I knew exactly what each of four people in the room was about to say... like I could have done the movie-thing and recited it to them? And I sort of wanted to and I was sort of terrified something horrible would happen if I did, which manifested as a weird, bubbly panic feeling in the back of my throat.

My best friend in high school would hear me call her name when I need to talk to her even when I was clear across the school, and vice versa.

And whenever I get a strong, subrational urge to do or not do something, I follow it: the night I insisted on pulling over to wash my windshield, we missed being in the middle of a nasty three-lanes-of-road-shut wreck. We skip the weekly trip to our favorite dance club, and someone gets shot on the sidewalk outside. That sort of thing.

Deja vu. Constantly during certain periods of my life, certain years of high school and a couple stretches through college, sporadic the rest of the time. And it is the STUPIDEST, MOST MUNDANE CRAP EVER, the polar opposite of a life-changing moment, like knowing that the person across from me is about to sneeze and then a green Saturn with a busted tail-light will drive by and then a bird will crap on the table two over from us. Like that.

Okay, now I'm just completely entranced. That's three or *four* of us with mundane deja vu--and at least with me, that weird feeling of not wanting to variate the script (or maybe not sure how? Or just kind of wanting to see how far it will go?)

I used to see ghosts when I was younger, but now not so much. I've seen my grandfather behind me in a mirror in his old home; my cat walking down the hall towards me about a month after she died; and an old lady who I didn't know at my grandmother's nursing home.

I tend to know who's on the other end of the phone before I pick it up (and without the aid of caller ID!).

And finally: we were on holiday in Italy and my great aunt died and I *knew* that she died, the moment that she died, even though nobody could reach us to tell us for another four days.

Oh *wow*. That's--well, since it doesn't scare you, that's very cool.

Huh, neat post and a lot of people have had really interesting things to add.

I definately do the "no, that didn't work, lets try this" in my dreams often. I often remember my dreams, sometimes two or three distinct dreams in a night, and know I shouldn't be able to remember one REM cycle to the other, but it feels like I do. But lots of my dreams are recurring, and sometimes I'll think "last time this didn't go so well, so lets try this" or I'll think "that really didn't work - the next time I dream this I'm going to do that".

Its helpful in nightmare, because I can usually get away. The most freaky thing is that I'm very often not myself in dreams - I'll play characters and live out whole stories from different POVs. Then again something'll go not right and I'll go back and change it, or become a different character and do it differently.

I've seen a UFO once, and the next day went to the Science Centre to see if it could possibly have been a satellite, and was told there hadn't been any in that area of space. But its far from definite, and I'm much less sure of it now than I used to be.

I don't have a ton of deja vu, but I when I have its been pretty specific. Oral sex was one - I was thinking, 'I wonder what this is like' and then a moment later it was 'oh yes, of course, how could I have forgotten?'

:)

Oral sex was one - I was thinking, 'I wonder what this is like' and then a moment later it was 'oh yes, of course, how could I have forgotten?'

*hysteria*

That is killing me right there. Awesome.

Its helpful in nightmare, because I can usually get away. The most freaky thing is that I'm very often not myself in dreams - I'll play characters and live out whole stories from different POVs. Then again something'll go not right and I'll go back and change it, or become a different character and do it differently.

*mulls* I've changed characters before a few times, but it's always been--required by the pov of the story. *blank* I don't know another way to put that.

I was staying at my Grandma E's, sleeping in her guest room, when I heard her footsteps in the hallway, and then the door opened up just a crack, letting in some light, and she said, “(frog), honey, it’s time to get up”. Which made sense, because I knew there was something I needed to get up for. Then I woke up fully, and remembered that the reason I needed to get up and get ready that morning was that we were going to Grandma E's funeral- she’d died a few days earlier, on my 24th birthday.
I don't know if I'd class this as a "ghost" per se, maybe just a really strong lingering spirit?

Also, I've had a few weird dream experiences, some of which I think can be atributed to a condition known as Sleep Paralysis. The first time I was really aware that it happened, I had no idea what was going on. I knew that I was awake; I could see the ceiling above me; I knew my mother and sister were sleeping in the bunk below (we were traveling in Malaysia- long story); I could hear my heartbeat; but I could not move. At all. It was absolutely terrifying. And then, after what seemed like an eternity, I snapped out of it somehow. It wasn’t until I did some searching on the intarwebs a few weeks later that I figured out what had happened. At the time it happened, I was thinking heart attack or alien abduction. Those literally seemed like the most rational options.

(Deleted comment)
I still talk to myself a lot, especially while alone in the car. I act out fantasies that I'm a movie star or I'm hanging out with David Hewlett or other random stuff or I'll make up stories. It's really weird. I did it as a kid too and I remember talking to animals too. My mom has video of me talking to our old dog and waiting for her answers before I replied. I was such a weird kid.

... do you live in fear of getting "caught" on grocery store security cams doing this? 'Cause I totally do. *facepalm*

(Deleted comment)
I saw a ghost as a child - it was another little kid, standing on the landing outside my bedroom door in a long gown/nightgown. it said my name a couple times, then kinda vanished slowly. I don't remember ever seeing it again, but the house was old and some odd stuff happened occasionally, so I always assumed it was haunted

I also had a series of weird episodes in the middle of the night as a slightly older kid - I'd be asleep then suddenly not, but was frozen in bed with a very odd harsh staticky noise all over. years later I theorized that it was the TV downstairs in the living room, left running after programming ended for the night (back in the dark ages when everything shut down around 12:30) - though that doesn't explain why I couldn't move

I have dream related deja vu. I dream about things that then happen a few months later. When I was 10 I dreamed about being in my classroom, with all the chairs against the wall and some other details. A few months later it happened and I remember it being odd because we had never done it before.

I had night terrors as a child and I vaguely remember them. I just remember having to get away from something and according to my mom, all I said during my night terrors was " I didn't do it". Freaked both of my parents out.

All my weird stuff is related to my dreams. I have highly vivid dreams, fantastical movie kind of dreams. I remember a dream where I was a talking bull who had to take lessons on goring matadors.

I've never seen space ships or ghosts but ghosts freak me out, so I guess that's a good thing.

Interesting post!

I've had the deja vu thing, and I buy the explanation for it that it's some kind of short circuit in the brain, but only when it's a few seconds. When it gets to the stage of an entire conversation, I don't think that fits anymore. And it's like you said, completely innocuous, random things that seem to mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.

When I was about three years old I was playing with a toy by the side of a chair. I remember the room being full of people, and I remember the toy suddenly moving from the floor to behind the chair, as if someone had grabbed it and thrown it. I still get goosebumps when I think about it.

My stepdad is really weird. Loads of things have happened to him, but the freakiest one is that whenever a watch or clock stops around him, it means that someone he knows has died. Every single time.