This is pretty much just a single scene snippet of crack. For kkpixie, who really wanted it, and God knows when I'll get around to writing a story around it.
Spoilers for season three, very lightly.
The thing about McKay is, it's way too easy to get him going. And there is nothing else to do.
Ronon keeps his eyes carefully focused on his knife as McKay paces by him for the tenth time. He's learned over time that the key to dealing with McKay is to avoid direct confrontation. "The thing is--" McKay says, turning so suddenly that Ronon almost dropped the knife, "it's not my fault."
Long experience tells Ronon that eventually, McKay will get to the point. Testing the edge, Ronon slides it back into its sheathe and sprawls back on the hard, uncomfortable couch that seems to be part of the SGC's version of the common room. No one else is here. Ronon's not surprised; under a mountain is not a place to socialize and stay sane.
Genii, example one.
McKay runs his hands through his hair, leaving it in tiny spikes, reminding Ronon vaguely of Zelenka. Ronon forces himself not to twitch. But it's hard.
"She--we were fighting," Rodney says desperately, throwing out one arm and just missing the wall. "It was a huge conference. I didn't even know her name!"
An hour ago, they'd come through the Stargate and Ronon had been vaguely aware that something fairly dramatic was happening near the far side of teh gateroom between Sheppard, McKay, and some woman that had been waiting when they arrived. Teyla had waved him silent with a frown as Sheppard tripped over his own duffle bag going out the door. A moment later, Teyla had followed Sheppard, looking almost but not quite casual, while McKay stared at the empty doorway with that look that always ended up with them in some kind of prison and being lectured about the Golden Rule.
SGC might be allies, but it was still offworld, and Ronon knew his duty.
So he and McKay, in the common room, while McKay does his thing. Ronon wonders if he should have gone for alcohol first, and tries to remember if he packed any Athosian ale before they left.
"It wasn't. My. Fault." McKay says, eyes crazy, stopping a foot short of Ronon's knees.
Ronon blinks back. "Right, McKay."
McKay gives him a burning look that is reminiscent of the three days that Ronon's door stopped working. It's not a pleasant memory. "McKay," Ronon says patiently, because there's nowhere Ronon can go anyway, and McKay's it until Teyla retrieves Sheppard-- "What. Happened?"
"What is this, repeat a word day? Gate-related deafness? I slept with her!"
Ronon thinks hard about his knife. "And?"
"Don't you get it? She was Sheppard's wife!"
Here's what Ronon knows about Sheppard's wife.
He had one.
And he didn't seem terribly sorry he didn't have one anymore.
Keeping his face expressionless, Ronon slowly rakes McKay with a long look and rewinds--Sheppard, stopped short, McKay, frozen, short talk, Sheppard tripping--got it. "The woman in the gate room?"
"Apparently!" Now that they're at the point, McKay's like a steamroller. "Eleven years ago, conference, God, she tried to tell me my paper on neutron decay was flawed. Me!" Ronon nods slowly. "We were fighting and there was alcohol and I'm pretty sure someone slipped me a roofie, so really, I'm not--"
"I didn't know she was married!" McKay deflates, dropping onto the couch like a doll that's lost its stuffing. "Not until the next morning. When her husband called."
Rodney looks at him with huge, horrified, irritated eyes. "I helped commit adultery! I didn't even know he was married and I slept with his wife! Are you not tracking? Should I call medical?"
Ronon steadily stares until McKay looks away. "God. What if that's the reason they divorced?"
There are a lot of possible answers to that one. Ronon thinks of the last two hours in this tiny room, with Sheppard who the hell knows where and Teyla knowing better than to stick around, and the fact that no, he didn't pack a single damn *bottle* of ale. And it's only afternoon.
It's going to be a very, very long day. Ronon pulls out a knife, examining it carefully, watching McKay from the corner of his eye "I always wondered why he cried every night."
Beside him, McKay makes a sound like he just lost the will to live. Staring at the Marines that pass them, hands on their weapons, looking at Ronon and McKay like they're likely to turn into Wraith (or whatever the hell the SGC fight here; Ronon's still not clear on that), Ronon knows just how he feels.