Seperis (seperis) wrote,

review: 300. short version - pretty. God, pretty.

So. Went to see 300 tonight. Had something like a religious experience.

And by something like, very much is.

Okay, having read perhaps a few--less than positive versions, I'll go with a disclaimer, which is basically sticking my tongue out and going nyah nyah nyah, cause seriously. Oh. My. God. Oiled naked men.

My second disclaimer--bits are out of order. I know that. I've only seen it once and kind of was incoherent through most while watching a huge screen of pecs and thighs oiled and sunkissed. Frankly, if this is in English, I'm amazed I was able to do that much.


There's a plot. Some guys in dresses ramble across the countryside, with awesome looking horses. They show up in this town. Let's call it Sparta. Hot guy in skirt is playing with his son in a diaper. I'm worried--but hey, this is the Olden Days. Perhaps this is the days pre-outhouses or latrines. I'm cool. I hope they wipe well.

A tense guy shows up to tell Hot and Not a Freaking Teenager Thank God Queen that some dudes in dresses are hanging. Sure, Queen says. Wanders off to talk to husband, currently wrestling son to the ground. Awesome, I think, watching the flexing biceps and wondering about the chances of getting any guy I know into that. So I can take him out of it.

Leonidas (King! He's the king! And a fine, naked king he is too. With a speedo!) struts out, looking manly and oiled with a stomach to serve breakfast on. With your mouth. Surrounded by various male strippers wander past, armed and delicious--or rather, dangerously delicious. The Men in Skirts--who turn out to be Persians, who knew?--make various noises at Leonidas, who looks unimpressed. He does that a lot. Not a lot impresses him. I can't really blame him. He lives in the city of naked men. After that, I wouldn't be impressed either.

God, why am I bothering with a narrative?

Blah blah blah, kneel, blah blah blah, god king, blah blah blah. Leonidas eventually give up on tryign to work out what's going on, possibly due to a blatant distrust of men wearing too many clothes. I don't blame him. The rest of the Spartans follow suit, with an endless array of tanned flesh and deliciously sharp blades.

Oh, I say, as ex-brother-in-law shifts uncomfortably beside him. Bring it on.

As the trailer showed us, Leonidas does his routine of awesome maleness, flexing his thighs in ways completely illegal in most of the Greek city-states and eventually, all non-nakedish men are falling down a black hole, possibly a well (see, to me, bad idea, but this is Sparta where they are made and maybe really do drink the blood of their enemies; do it in speedos and I am with you.), possibly a big hole to hell, possibly a black hole. I could cross this over with stargate, couldn't I? Queen files her nails, bored with dressed men saying stupid things. I'm only surprised she didn't stab a couple herself. I'm guessing she left her sword in her other too-brief and very awesome bodice.

Leonidas crawls doggedly up the side of a mountain to horrifically overdressed individuals. I see where his distrust of those with too many clothes come from. They are hideous. I for one am glad they remain clothed. He pays them in gold, looking like he'd rather be sunbathing, eventually being led to the oracle, a pretty girl who is wearing a clever innnovation of lots of transparent clothes. Leonidas looks thoughtful; perhaps a wardrobe upgrade is in order. She dances and levitates and tosses a really awesome shade of red hair around, and then collapses in a bundle of kind of filmy material, kind of smoke while Hideous Guy One licks her and makes me pleased I will never be mistaken for being the most beautiful girl in Sparta. She mumbles in Greek while Licking Guy translates, saying no no no. Personally, I think he's lying in hopes of more gold. Whatever. Leonidas gives them dark looks, discarding the possibilites inherent in transparent tunics, and eventually climbs back down the mountain and goes home.

Naked--and this time, I mean naked, no speedo, just a muscled thigh and fantastic ass, sits at a window. His wife calls him to bed, where they chat, him dissing drugged adolescent girls, she making sense and being really really hot. They engage in marathon sex--I can see why Spartan women do all that physical training in their youth, they need it, and we flash to the next day, where God is kind and three hundred men in leather speedoes and red cloaks stand around armed in a field, so pretty and oiled and tanned and God, all those stomaches that I sit back with a sigh and think, yeah. Like that.

Just like that.

Traitorous Guy wanders out, being bitchy with an old and befreckled councilman beside him, a few more behind him. You see what I'm saying about clothes here? IT's a theme. Wearing too much is a sign of evil. All these men? Are way too clothed. I'm instantly on my guard. This cannot end well, I mumble to ex-BIL. He ignores me. He does this a lot during the movie. I don't know why.

Leonidas flexes before making statements about taking a walk north, which fool no one and Traitorous Guy looks constipated. I wrinkle my nose as he argues, but Leonidas ignores him, eventually wandering off to the Queen and their son, both of them waiting patiently, adn let me say, Queen is in another stunning ensemble. I am pleased. They make out for a second, then she gives him her necklace. He turns to leave, and the Queen reminds him to come home with his shield or on it.

(I'm taking a second from my Porn By Play to say I love they included this. I love this philosophy. I love that she said it and most probably meant it. I love that she loved him for what he was, brave and strong and loyal, and that she knew he couldn't be the man she loved if he was anything less than those things. And I love that she only let him see faith. Her heart broke, I know. But she sent him away with an image of what they both believed in most, and I love that.)

Some Other Greek Persons come up eventually, looking a little disappointed at the three hundred slick, muscled, oiled men, while Leonidas looks suspiciously at their tunics. They're short skirts, so I get knee action, but I'm wary on the full coverage of chest. Leonidas forgives them eventually and leads his men in a cheer, which freaks out the Other Greek Persons enought to stfu already and follow. And boy do they follow. Personally, I'd follow them there Spartans anywhere.

They get to a burned out village place, staring around in horror, until a huge shadow appears. We hope for Persians--I'm ready for the blood and sweat portion of the show to arrive--but it's a kid, who collapses and tells Leonidas about being left alive. One of the Spartans rushes to Leonidas, muscles quivering, to tell him they found the villagers.

Hmm, I think. This, too, cannot end well.

And it really doesn't. A tree's been covered in bodies--I'm thinking it was done with arrows and a lot of them, and later, you'll see how totally possible it is--and it's a big tree, and that's a lot of bodies. Leonidas looks stoically horrified and bitterly grim. He doesn't flex a single muscle.

Blah blah blah plot movement.

Eventually, they arrive at Thermopylae, golden-skinned and ready to kill anything that moves. They go to see thousands--or hundreds--or some number greater than ten--of ships bobbing in the ocean-place. Sea. Large body of presumably salty water. Everyone looks shocked, while Leonidas squints at the sky and says something about rain.

Oh yes. Storm. Pretty.

A while later, a fat overdressed guy in a turban shows up looking like he smells something unpleasant. He happens upon many men in tiny underwear doing something with rocks and a wall. He asks who they are, they blink in displeasure at his lack of visible pecs. He looks closer at the wall, noting that perhaps those are bodies among the rocks. Indeed, overdressed man, they are. Quite a few. Eventually, he takes out a whip, which we see lasso the air in slow motion, all long leathery goodness like a snake. I've seen the trailer, so I settle back to watch as one Spartan grabs for a weapon, throwing himself impossibly high in the air with a routine I'm pretty sure I've seen in gymnastic competitions, but rarely when someone is going *up*. Arching his back, body long and lean and just impossibly perfect, he dodges the whip effortlessly and severs the guy's arm.

I try not to clap.

The guy looks stunned. "You cut off my arm" he says in a blinding flash of obviousness. Maybe clothes make people less bright; I'm just saying. He makes random threats about his god and his people and the thousand armies of the Persian empire. Again, trailer. I make soft noises and am happy.

Eventually, though, after killing a whole lot of Persians in gorgeous, stylized violence, there is a rain of arrows. You know, I can't watch horror movies, but this is *art*, people. Slow mo spears slicking through vulnerable chests and blood drops as big as cranberries everywhere. I tried to pay attention more to who was doing what, but Spartans while fighting are possibly teh prettiest things ever in history. The rain of arrows eventualy arrives, while the Spartans laugh hysterically beneath their shields, and I think, pretty? But also crazy. Very, very crazy.

But God, so pretty.


Eventually his Gloriousness appears, Xerxes, complete with a million slaves to carry his staircase throne and so much jewelry my neck hurts looking at him. There are percings in places I never thought piercings could go. Leonidas is warmer here--this man is properly naked, but seems to be going for a overglittered look. It is confusing to both of us. Xerxes attempts something a cross between seduction and interpretive swaying, laying his hands over Leonidas broad, red-clothed shoulders. I sigh, wishing to be Xerxes for a few seconds, even if it makes my cheek hurt to wear rings. He murmurs sweet nothings about Leonidas ruling all of Greece, and all Leonidas must do is agree Xerxes is god, king, emperor and the most awesome guy in history. Leonidas discounts Xerxes almost-nakedness--this is a clothed man in naked clothing, and omg evil! So he says no, wandering off to be hot and oil down another Spartan.

That part was off-screen sadly, but that is why we have imaginations!

Somewhere back there, Traitorous Guy takes a Persian to pay off Hideous Men on teh Mountain and promises them lots of pretty oracle women every day. It's creepy.

Back at the ranch, the Queen tries to get the overdressed council to go about sending an army. She gets a sympathetic guy to come over and asks him to get her a hearing before the council. He agrees. Okay, now back to war.

There's a short subplot in here with a deformed child of some emigrated Spartans who came to war, telling him about hte goat path. Leonidas tells him that he cant' join the army due to teh fact he can't lift a shield, but welcomes his help. Bitterly, guy decides to bring down Leonidas. Leonidas mentions to Best Hot Freind of Awesome Hair that he hopes the Persiasn don't find out about the goat path. I sigh a little. So pretty, yet sometimes, so dumb.

There's more efighting, more blood, more killing. God they are pretty. There's this awesome thing where they hide behind the bodies and the immortals--so overdressed and masked, which just screams *evil evil evil*. Way too much clothing!

Lots of death here. very awesome.

Queen gets second meeting with sympathetic guy, who tells her two days. In that time, she needs Traitorous Guy to be bent to her way of thinking. I think we all know what that means.

More killing. More oiled bodies. More incredible violence. More hotness beyond the reach of mortal men. God. Good. Somewhere around here, Sad Little Deformed Almost Spartan sells out to the Persians while watching many people lick each other in various ways. Ex-BIL looks deeply intersted. Of course.

Fighting. Etc. Monsters. Etc. Etc.

The queen meets with Traitorous Guy, now to be renamed Asshole Traitor, who is slick and slimey and offers up his help if he can go where only Leonidas has gone before. Queen goes with it and thinks of Sparta. Hard. A lot.

More fighting. More blood.

Back at the council, the Queen faces them and makes an impassioned plea. Asshole Traitor accuses her of adultery and that she slept with sympathetic guy, who looks appalled. Two men grab for the Queen, who has that look of someone thinking homicidal thoughts. But classy ones. As he calls her a whore, Queen pulls someone's sword and Asshole Traitor profoundly regrets that women in Sparta do the same training as men as children, because she sinks it right into his stomach. Being a Stupid Asshole Traitor, he's carrying around Persian gold with him, which spills out. It's nice. She steps back, trying to keep her sandles clean, and I smile happily. Very awesome.

Aroudn this time, the Greeks come to tell Leonidas that someone betrayed them, and that the Persians are surrouding them. Leonidas gives the Greek a blank look and points out he didn't come all the way here, get a perfect tan, and take out a lot of scary shit for nothing. They'll die here, by God, and that's the way Leonidas likes it! Spartans, Greek Guy remembers, are *crazy*. He leaves, wishing them luck, profoundly glad he grew up somewhere not Sparta.

Leonidas pulls aside one of his men, who has tragically lost one eye but is quick to point out, still has an extra, to send him back to Sparta. The man tries very hard not to cry. But he goes, and Leonidas sends everyone to breakfast. It's nice.

Later, Xerxes shows up, while the Spartans make this pretty bronze tortise shell in a clearing, while Leonidas lookks muscled and majestic. For some reason, teh offer of being ruler of Greece is made again. Leonidas puts down his helmut, then his spear. He's thinking of his childhood and the wolf. Hmm. Then he kneels. Xerxes starts having a small yet strangely noticeable orgasm and preens, then Leonidas calls his men out and they attack.

Reaching for a spear, Leonidas runs a few steps and throws it. Strangely, he throws it through Xerxes lip ring. That hurt me, and convinced me never to wear facial jewelry. He seems more horrified by the bleeding than the fact that he lost soem costly jewelry. Skin heals. But that gold ring will never be the same after this.

All the Spartans die.

Later, Sad Last Spartan Sent Home tells the Queen of her husband's death by giving her the necklace back, then goes to Sparta.

Then later on, a year even, an entire ten freaking thousand speedoed men show up to attack the Persians. They start running, and I think, so this is how men feel about Baywatch.

The end.

In closing: was it good for you?
Tags: movies
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