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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


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more on unfathomable vocabulary use
children of dune - leto 1
seperis
First, the good news--I have not seen prostrate substitued for prostate in *months*. It's so nice when people no longer mistake a noun for a verb.

Also happily, no wonton wantons. My need for Chinese has been curbed.

I'd like to say all is well in ficland, but I ran across Yet Another Rodney The Potato Shaped Man of Maximum Chubbiness. Okay. I just want to go on record. Someone needs to write a Jack Sprat and his wife fic for this pairing. Between anorexic/bulimic, hollow-eyed, slow starvation John Sheppard and The Largest Non-Sumo Wrestler Man in History Rodney, my fandom frankly *deserves* it.

Hmm. There has been anorexic John but no Weight Watchers Rodney on a calorie counting diet and crying into his low fat soy ice cream substitute. This is a great injustice.

So let's go to Verbs Maybe I Shouldn't Use For This Sex Scene.

1.) Plowed.

Maybe it's just me. I'm totally insane like this. I grew up rural. We did not see plows in the context of sexual gratification. We saw plows in the context of dirt. With you know. Farming things. Okay, I'm rural, but I never worked a farm in my life. But still. I just--want you to consider, when you are writing about the tender lovemaking of Joe and Jay, and how their passion is so pure, and their love so wonderful, going to a place where someone is plowing someone else? Maybe not what you wanted to get across? Just--okay, I'm disturbing myself with visions of a backhoe and kind of want to lie down now.

2.) Pummelled.

As in pummelled the prostate. Did I spell that right? Seriously. Pummelled? Look, sometimes we may get tired of using those old, normal verbs, but they're old and normal for a *reason*. They do not remind people of school yard fighting. Okay, I've got to stop with the comparisons.

So? Any other verbs that bring unfortunate imagery?


Turgid. As in turgid member.

I kid you not. Someone thought this was a sexy way to describe someone's erection during porn.

I-- I don't get it. I mean-- I know what it means, but somehow it seems on the scale of "Tumescence" however it's spelled.

I have, very unfortunately, seen this in quite a bit of the really purple-prose romance novels I read as a teenager. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but looking back... *shudder*

I work in a bookstore, and was once asked by a gentleman customer if we carried "Prostate Cancer For Dummies".

I corrected him. It was awkward. *winz*



sidenote: I find "porked" to be unfortunate. As well as the exclamation of "shit", because if there's one word that doesn't belong in gay porn...

Wow, and I also lose for spelling "prostate" correctly (on accident!)--he asked for Prostrate Cancer For Dummies.

Honestly, my favorite prostate/prostrate mistake was in the reverse direction to the usual error, and was in my church bulletin when I was a wee high-school fangirl. We didn't have hymnals for a while, because our church grew much faster than our budget did, and so they printed the hymns in the bulletin. One week, we sang, "All hail the pow'r of Jesus' name, let angels prostate fall."

Which led me to look nervously up at the sky for a while, just in case one did fall.

Thank you for making me snort Coke-Cola out of my nose. Now it burns.

Emptied, as a synonym for came. Like "he emptied himself deeeeeep in his lover's body".

Am I the only one who gets distressing "organs through a blender set on frappe sent out through his dick and all that's left is skin and a skeleton"?

Bleah.

*giggles so hard*

That gives whole new meanings to "And what am I? Chopped Liver?" EWWWWW!

Explode.

As in, "he is so turned on that he almost explodes in his pants, before he can plow into the other man's tight channel."

*twitch* I feel so dirty now. And not in the good way.

I know you asked for verbs, but "channel" makes me cringe. Someone needs to compile a lexicon of words *not* to use while writing porn.

Ewwww. Yes. Channel is another one that always freaks me out.

*metaphorically hits head against desk. repeatedly.*

Okay, I know for a fact that I used two of the words mentioned in this thread (empty and hole), possibly more. It might be helpful to know which words not to use, but what would be really helpful might be which words you can use. I remember a great poll about which words people thought were okay for various body parts and which weren't. Although I'm afraid that if you make a list with words that absolutely no one objects to, that could be a really short list. And that is frustrating.

I was so looking forward to going home and writing the porn that's been in my head for two days now. *tries to forget this thread... or possibly to research safe sex scene words*

Here, here. I'd like a copy as well.

Not quite the same thing, but I read a fic with an unfortunate typo once - I can't even remember what the typo was exactly, but they were having sex and the typo made it sound like they were literally shitted into the shower.

I kept waiting for a description of some giant sphincter in the ceiling.

I know this one!! (Don't ask me why I still remember it and was able to find it in under 30 seconds. *headdesk*)

Here (still funny, though, even if that fic made me twitch a lot).

"bugger" and "buggered"

Yuck!

Gaping Maw for anus. The thing that really irritated me was that it killed an otherwise great fic for me (Professionals that had Doyle crossdressed and being fucked by Bodie). It also killed any interest of reading the rest of the author's works.

Manhood. The only fandom I can almost tolerate this in is due South, and then only for Fraser because he is a bit old fashioned.

Having read old school slash recently, I can say that the internet research has helped make sex scenes better! Some of the old stuff...*shudders*

Gaping Maw for anus.

I.... my eyes went really huge when I read that, and I haven't been able to talk them down yet.

Gaping MAW? GAPING maw? Like goatse?

Sweet mother of pearl.

"Bred" as a verb describing sex has always bothered me. Though not nearly so much as all the florid euphemisms for the anus. And the use of "His Lover" in place of proper names—that one guarantees that I'll close a browser window unfinished within seconds of running across it.

You know, I spend an unhealthy amount of time looking at photos of both Joe Flanigan and David Hewlett.

I never seen Joe looking hollow-eyed and anorexically thin, ever. He looks like he lifts weights some and runs and skateboards, and he's trim, yeh, but no, he doesn't disappear if he turns sideways.

I have yet to see David anything other than a mormal weight, thirty-something, six foot tall guy who doesn't go to the gym 7 days a week - i.e., he's not "ripped" but he's just a nice normal weight, thanks. He did put on some weight mid-way through first season, but we're talking like 10 pounds, which is gone now. Get over this fanon absurdity, people PLEASE.

Verbs of Disturbance: Screamed. As in "Oh, you are so good!" Rodney screamed. I'm sorry, in my neck of the woods screaming denotes large spiders or attacks by armed gunmen, it doesn't not denote someone raising their voice a bit to say something emphatically. If someone is screaming loudly while having sex in my house, I'm calling 911, seriously. SO this must stop. Also, enough withe the coming so hard they pass out completely. Think about that - you're having sex, your partner screams and then IS OUT COLD. Man, anybody who did that to me would wake up in the ER.

Just to cheer you up : court-marshaled...

I had never seen this one before now (and I could have lived happily ignorant till the end of times).