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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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blahty-blah blah barbecue sauce.
another frog

Have you ever been reading along--you know, a fic. Otherwise, this PSA would be useless. And you're reading, and it's not bad, and it makes you smile, or whatever, and then you kind of want to die?

Yes. Those moments. I am talking about the Inappropriate Lube Moments.

These can be characterized by so many absolutely *terrifying* lube substitutes that an exhaustive list is impossible.

But you know what? I'm going to try. Using my vast fanficcal experience, which is almost totally just like the real thing! Really! Honest!

1.) Wood glue. I'm sad to say that, yes. that has been used. And yes. I really really wish I'd died.
2.) Aloe vera. (tested by a friend recently in heterosexual ways. She states if I ever rec her anything lube like again, my rabbits will be stew next time I visit for dinner. So these are the lengths I will go to for fandom. ALIENATE A FRIEND WHO LIVES FAIRLY CLOSE TO ME)
3.) Barbecue sauce.
4.) Honey. No, seriously. What?
5.) Blood. No, not in a really awesome superangsty bdsm way where there is, you know, a *reason*. But in a way that just--I mean. No, really. Ouch. Ouch.
6.) Soap. Christ.
7.) Chocolate syrup -- okay, vote. Too sticky? Or would it work and not, you know, dry and crust? Maybe certain types are okay?
8.) mustard. Okay, granted, I don't know for sure. But seriously. I mean. It's *yellow*. How can you look at your penis painted up like a jaundiced clown and think, yes, that is something that needs to go in *there*. Or look--okay, never mind. I just--no. I mean, even if it is harmless? No.

God, so bored, and still no zohowriter at work. My life sucketh. I want a pony.

**this entry is brought to you by svmadelyn, who implied that she no longer wished to play blind quote game by email and so I was forced into the wilds of lj to entertain myself.

***Okay, yes, I read bad_penny first, but really, who isn't?

****Now I am tempted to do an inappropriate lube challenge, just to see who can come up with teh scariest non-maiming one.

inappropriate, *in* my ass!

I have seen:

lamp oil
gun oil
neat's foot oil

and I'm sure some other equally horrific ideas, in my years of reading.

Innapropriate Lube Challenge - how can it fail! How can it NOT fail!

Re: inappropriate, *in* my ass!

I know you are joking. Because otherwise I will cry a lot.


Have you tried writely? er, http://www.writely.com - for writing at work? I've been using it, and though it's just been "upgraded," I like it. It's Google, so it should go unblocked at work.

See, I had no problems with zoho up until this week.

Hmm. *clicks to check out*


I'd think the mustard and the barbecue sauce are going to start burning your bits VERY QUICKLY.

I was thinking that? But not totaly sure.

But seriously. Color *alone*....*shudders*

It's been my experience that mustard is kind of acid-y (plus the whole spicy thing) and yeah. I would not want that rubbed in anywhere sensitive on the body, mindless of colour.

*nodnodnod* All spicy yes. no one wants a spicy ass.

I always want to cry when I read about the sunscrean. Becuase honestly, have you ever got some of that in your eye? That stuff is meant for outside only. Just saying.


*shudders more*

God. I didn't think of that.


Sorry, couldn't resist.

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
Mustard tends to have vinegar in it, and I can't help but think that it would be *burny.*

And now I am having serious thoughts about inappropriate lube. Argh.

*smiles* Then this entry was worth it. *Share* your memories!

Um, I can't believe I'm contributing to this, but really, you don't think spit is enough? *is wide-eyed and wondering* Jeez, the whole "I like it rough" thing and especially the "he preferred men because he didn't have to be as careful, he could be as rough as he wanted" make me think that hospital visits are very realistic possibilities in that person's life even though I would think immense pain might just be a very big deterrent to any sort of pleasure.

you made my ass cry. CRY I SAY.

Though the quickest way to make me twitch is also the completely dry way. Cause wow. I just. ABRASIONS.

Though really, would'nt that hurt the penis too? That is shoving a delicate thing into a hot, dry space and *abrading it*.

Ranch dressing, which I think may have been a joke, but also mayonnaise, which wasn't.

See, ranch has spices, but mayo, while smelling horrible=-hmm. THe vinegar, maybe? *thougthful* This is an interesting thought.

But only wood glue, right? Not any other kind?

I mean, you have to admit it makes a certain kind of sense...


Well. I haven't seen a test case for elmer's, no.

But wow, horrifying image! thanks!


Lets just pretend you've already asked me how I know this, and I've answered in ways that are not traumatic for me, before I tell you mustard? BURNS. A whole, freaking LOT. It's vinegar, it's seedy, even the normal squeez-y kind has seeds in it, and just -- no. NO.

Also, glue? Who the hell thought glue -- sticky, and not so big with the slippery and friction-enabling -- would work? Why did they think that?

mustard FOREVER!


I do'nt even *remember* where that one came from--I just remember my own glazed horror.

Though you know? Now I kinda wanna find out.

My worst lube-in-fic experience was liquid fabric softener. I think I screamed. For real.

OMG, I totally read that one! I was horrified, and I had the thought of someone's ass smelling like Downy stuck in my head for DAYS.

I can't do laundry anymore without being disturbed. o_O

I seem to recall a due South fic involving motor oil. People, just because it has oil in the name doesn't mean you want it just ANYWHERE. ::shudders::

On Minotaur's Sex Tips for the Slash Writer he lists motor oil as being a lube he has used.


Well, liquid soap is fairly slippery and I guess the pH-neutral kind wouldn't sting? Anyway, I'm not sure of its lubricating properties, but I'd rather have liquid soap on my sensitive parts and mucosa than condiments. I think even mild mustard would be kind of harsh, probably still better than barbecue sauce, though. I mean, doesn't that have stuff like vinegar and chili in it?

Yes! Or somethign spicy adn peppery! *shudders*

I've been reading a lot of old school Professionals' fic the last few days and have only read one fic where lube is used - and in most of the fic, the bottom (always Doyle, the more "feminine" of the two) has never had anal sex before *cries*.

It hurts but it isn't a bad hurt *cries some more*

Er I should've added before "It hurts...":

And Doyle always says that it hurts, but it isn't a bad hurt.

The writing in sex scenes has gotten a lot better.