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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


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in which insanity is just around the corner.
flying pig
seperis
Thing One

About a month or so ago, I went to a training for PRF - prerequisitions. Clarify. Pre. Requisitions. There's this--*waves hand*--entire horror associated that I've tried to explain but can't, and yesterday, I committed the horror of putting an extra number on the origin code and my keyboard fingers briskly slapped. Anyway, my beloved stamper has been submitted, and so that means sometime in the next three-five years, it'll show up, possibly after I've already had a fit of insanity and started calling myself Bob.

It could totally happen.

Anyway, today did the computer glare filters, and started going through the Alphabetical List of Purchases, which contains all the codes the state of Texas comptroller uses for state agencies. This is a PRF field, to kind of put your thing in a coded category. I think.

Then I made a list of things I'd like.

Animal Parts - I just kind of want to see what they are. WHAT animal parts? The world will know when I order it.

Breakage Payments, Greyhound Racing - Hmm. I could use payments.

Bull Semen - I just think the look on everyone's face would be reward enough.

Cattle - the ones above 5,000 a head, not below

Helicopter (purchase) - my boss says if I can get it here, we can use it.

Mobile Home - for naps during lunch

Rodents - I need a pet to amuse me

Thimble - yes, this really does have its very own code.

Zipper - and so does this.

I really--you know, there are more insane categories, but most of them, I can kind of see how and why they developed since agriculture and oil were and in some places are such a huge part of the economy. It's just--a thimble category. That just does something weird to my head. My Dilbert calendar is so achingly accurate. Sometimes, I think I am talking to him. Usually, that means I should take a break.

Thing Two

The old file room that my unit was moved into is, in a shocking turn of events, as warm as an oven (and I somehow avoided so many bad jokes today) and so my boss told me to reserve the adjoining conference room for every second we can get it this week. Okay, problem is, it was reserved in blocks by other *people*. So I calmly and patiently made *eighteen reservations* in Outlook, and had the front desk call me to ask if I was having some psychotic break or planning a really bad coup.

I said no, I was trying to avoid my unit expiring of suffocation, and she said, right. So my cover is blown. Drats.

Thing Three

Okay, so yes, I had coffee this morning But it's not good coffee. Office coffee, like my cubicle, tastes wrong and redefines the concept of 'any caffeine anywhere I can get it', and while I am no coffee expert, when I'm twitching away from my drug of choice no matter how much sugar I pour in, you know something is wrong with the grinding process. I kind of want to take the big coffee machine and hide it, replace it with smaller, but far tastier, Mr Coffees that don't make it taste like we used wastewater for the base, you know? Or ooh, found a Starbucks next door. I don't get it. I fall over the damnable things everywhere but this street, and let me just say, I hate Starbucks so much it hurts me inside, but I could totally get behind them if my other choice is the worst. Coffee. Ever.

I need another cup now. Someone please rescue me. Or you know what? Tell me where there is epic h/c romance Sheppard/McKay, readable. Epic. H/C. Romance. Readable. With a nice, predictible formula, true love forever, and a satisfactory mansex ending. Fine me one and let me have it. I want romance and comfort and something to read while eating too much ice cream tonight and thinking, they are paying me to order bull semen and make imaginary meetings.


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Your on-going bureaucracy-brainwashing training is an endless source of delight for me. Sadly, I cannot offer you the desired fic but I can totally get your back on the coffee sitch.

Just wait until you're desperate enough to get away from the taste of asshair in caffeine and make The Corporate Mocha: a package of instant cocoa in that cup of coffee. Oh, yeah, baby. When I hit that rock-bottom at one gig, I not only started bringing in my own coffee but I kept a stash of chocolate-covered espresso beans that were remarkable pick-me-ups for all sorts of emergency situations.

*is jealous you have the bull semen order code*

Just wait until you're desperate enough to get away from the taste of asshair in caffeine and make The Corporate Mocha: a package of instant cocoa in that cup of coffee.

Back when Himself was a member of Uncle Sam's Canoe Club, Swiss Miss Cocoa made with coffee for the liquid was the beverage of choice whenever they had to stand watch four hours on and four hours off for prolonged stretches.

It never occurred to me that the Corporate Mocha happened outside of the world of crappy corporate breakrooms. (In retrospect, I'd have to say "...um, duh" to my own lack of extrapolation.) And, heh, yup. Swiss Miss in the coffee is exactly the recipe I've used before to make office coffee drinkable.

Noooo! Don't fall to the dark side and drink starbucks!

Personally, I'm a big fan of a french press. Small, easy to have in an office, especially if you have one of those water coolers that pumps out boiling hot water.

Oh, and I found a great page that tells you the best way to brew with a french press.

Just as easy, and with less chance of breakage, is using a manual cone. I just got a new one. The old one lasted me 20 years.

And you can store it in your desk.

ROFTL

Now I wonder whether the thimble category is for the engineering or nautical stuff called thimble, or for the needlework tool. I mean, I can imagine a variety of thimbles in the engineering sense, so that it may make sense to give them their own code, but the needlework finger protection doesn't come in that many varieties no?

Office coffee, like my cubicle, tastes wrong and redefines the concept of 'any caffeine anywhere I can get it', and while I am no coffee expert, when I'm twitching away from my drug of choice no matter how much sugar I pour in, you know something is wrong with the grinding process. I kind of want to take the big coffee machine and hide it, replace it with smaller, but far tastier, Mr Coffees that don't make it taste like we used wastewater for the base, you know?

Have you double-checked to make certain that some idiot well-meaning person didn't substitute decaffeinated for high-test while nobody was looking?

Starbucks may be huge and all encompassing, but they are good to their employees. So, they pass their assumedly crazy profit margin down the ladder.

Drinking the bad office coffee huh? Starbucks expresso is to china white what office coffee is to black tar. Actually, that's not even an anology. Office coffee is black tar.

OMG... falls off chair laughing ::gasps for air:: and wipes eyes... and really... I'm laughing WITH you... but...but... bull semen?... ::only in Texas::

My daily joy is brought to me by our 28 insane defense attorneys, 6 criminal investigators and 9 pathologically disturbed legal clerks who believe in living life as a bad soap opera... although I'm not sure testimony, lab tests and autopsy reports are really all that funny... one must find humour wherever one can...

And as I am now down to my last 3 months of this level of entertainment I find everything so much more funny and I can now laugh and smile without the appearance of psychosis... goddamn life is good!! Retirement also means that I'll be moving home for awhile so I'll be near your neck of the woods again...

I'll bring coffee


ZOMG!!

Get a rat =3 Get two. YAY!!!

Ya. I'm leaving now.

*prances out*

Oh man, bull semen!? The most entertaining codes we have for ordering things are related to purchasing radioactive stuff (um, I should specify that I work for a university, and they do, you know, important scientific things with said radioactive stuff). And even *that* bureaucracy does not approach the level of needing *pre* requisitions (several levels of approval, yes, but you can just go ahead and requisition it, I think). I don't get to order fun science stuff, though. : (

I took an Animal Husbandry class in school where we had to "collect" a sample of bull semen. You know, from a real bull. We built an artificial vagina (AV is the proper slang - who knew?) with a collection reservoir on it. So you tie a cow to the fence in front of the bull so he can smell her and, ummm, get excited. Then you slip this funky AV onto the bull (who is raging and lunging to get at the poor cow you tied to the fence), and whaa-la, the bull squirts into the AV thing. Except the pompous aggie stud showing off "how he did it back home" let it slip and the bull shot his whole load on the side of the guy's face and down the front of his jacket. That was possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. And that's no bull.

I am told that English Ivy is a wonder for purifying air of allergens and, I suspect, also cheese smell. It grows in shade, too, so would be good in an enclosed office area. Not good around pets, as it is toxic when eaten, but sounds like it might help your file room environment.

ps ... am totally loving the crimes against humanity insanity, it takes me back to those thrilling days of D&D playing when a friend and I ran twin clerics of Arioch (Elric's god, chaotic evil in the AD&D system) and had a wonderful time watching the virtual game-playing blood go WOOSH. Ah, nostalgia...

Bull semen and imaginary meetings. Sounds like my week.

All this fuss.
I don't understand.
It's just Coffee! Water from the kettle, add powder from a jar, stir, add sugar and milk as necessary.
*ducks*

Now if it was tea...
*hides behind Superhero icon*

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