Yes, ladies and gentlemen--do I have gentlemen here? I got the kid a reptile.
I also entered a reptile pet store of my own free will and didn't pass out. And it was a very close thing. For those who have serious tenure on my lj, you might remember Jenn on a Table After Almost Stepping on a Snake (yet never seeing the snake), Jenn On Her Office Desk Due to Alien Lifeform (aka lizard), and Jenn's almighty terror of anything not in the furred family. Yeah. Well.
There were snakes.
Okay, I'm weak, I get that. I am weak. I am a mother who says, sure, Child, you can certainly get a pet that will cause my blood pressure to be raised twenty points just knowing it's in the house. Sure, I will go voluntarily into two stores, one of which specialized in exotic pets, to actually stand before a large glass case while a terrarium of multiple snakes writhe together and stand on their hind tails reaching for the top with their dark, beady eyes fixed on me, saying jenn, jenn, we are coming for you.
(Oh, but they had a two toed sloth and a mircat (sp?) and okay, that was cool, except--I mean, is there a real market out there for a pet sloth? Seriously? I'm just--it's cute? In a very tree sloth with long claws way? But I don't see me taking that home and cuddling it in my lap? And the mircat thing was adorable, and looked pretty homicidal. Like, oh, look, two legged walking steak. Hmm.)
I just--there was this box of bunnies past the first round of oh dear God snakes? It was only the fact that the salesman was lookng at me in worry that kept me from crawling in there with them. Oh God, I love rabbits. I never knew that I could connect with them like this, but I walked out of there almost holding one, because SOOTHING BUNNY LOVE and OMG GIANT SEMI CARNIVOROUS LIZARDS ALL AROUND ME. It's just--*sighs*. Hell. Special hell.
Actually, I'm just incredibly stupid. Seriously. What the *hell*?
Yes, it is a good idea to listen to the instructions of the nice PetCo man from ten feet away, because he was holding a lizard and I could not make myself come any closer. Yes, get that giant scorpion out and let it run around. I'll be standing over by the basset hound relief area, looking at the soothing dogs. Oh, good, we want a bearded dragon, and okay, right, they're pretty freaking zen for lizards. He just lays there across my son's hand and blinks and occasionally twitches his tail. This pet business is an expensive undertaking involving terrariums, sand, rocks, heating pads, special lights, strange foods, and God and every saint, can o'crickets. With--cricket juice. They are packed in their own cricket juice. I have no words. He recommended since Child wanted something he could touch, and well, the gekkos are one, something I can find in my shower (don't even ask the new and creative ways I can shave my legs with my eyes fixed on the wall the entire time--let's just say it's an all new adventure), and two, they tend to escape and it'll be Jenn on the Dining Room Table and Jenn on the Computer Desk and Jenn on Top of the Sofa and you can see a pattern here, right?
I've had a long day. I did shopping therapy, in which I and Target became one with new sheets and a second pillow sham for my bed and a new accent pillow. Yes. An accent pillow. I am that kind of person. Hair stuff. Feng Shui candles for mom, then the Lizard of Doom. More hair things. Coldplay. Also went and got a new skirt and shoes and shirt, becuase I'm in that place that says, I don't care about eating this month, I need this. I have justified conspicous consumerism with the fact that this is pretty much teh only way I'm going to get through the fact we have a lizard in the house
From the Annals of Thank God My Zen Came on Time: thepouncer sent me *prettiness* in the form of Joe Flanigan, and I can honestly state that it's humanly impossible for anyone to be that preternaturally pretty. It's just--laws of physics are broken. Laws of God and man are broken. It's--*waves hands*. It totally distracted me from the fact that fifteen feet away, a lizard is doing lizard things. Permanently.
Chica, name your price. Story, slavery, oh, do you want a nice semi-used bearded dragon?
I've had a really scary day.
Snakes. Everywhere. And people buy them. And there were big ones and they all coiled together and it was just--yeah. I need alcohol. Or valium.
Aladdin!John for zen. Zen zen zen. One with the universe.
Oh my God, there is a bearded dragon in the house.