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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


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i am not in the zen place
aladdin!john
seperis
Well, today I spent pretty much all of my disposable income getting Child a pet that is the equivalent of my worst nightmares.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen--do I have gentlemen here? I got the kid a reptile.

I also entered a reptile pet store of my own free will and didn't pass out. And it was a very close thing. For those who have serious tenure on my lj, you might remember Jenn on a Table After Almost Stepping on a Snake (yet never seeing the snake), Jenn On Her Office Desk Due to Alien Lifeform (aka lizard), and Jenn's almighty terror of anything not in the furred family. Yeah. Well.

There were snakes.

Okay, I'm weak, I get that. I am weak. I am a mother who says, sure, Child, you can certainly get a pet that will cause my blood pressure to be raised twenty points just knowing it's in the house. Sure, I will go voluntarily into two stores, one of which specialized in exotic pets, to actually stand before a large glass case while a terrarium of multiple snakes writhe together and stand on their hind tails reaching for the top with their dark, beady eyes fixed on me, saying jenn, jenn, we are coming for you.

(Oh, but they had a two toed sloth and a mircat (sp?) and okay, that was cool, except--I mean, is there a real market out there for a pet sloth? Seriously? I'm just--it's cute? In a very tree sloth with long claws way? But I don't see me taking that home and cuddling it in my lap? And the mircat thing was adorable, and looked pretty homicidal. Like, oh, look, two legged walking steak. Hmm.)

I just--there was this box of bunnies past the first round of oh dear God snakes? It was only the fact that the salesman was lookng at me in worry that kept me from crawling in there with them. Oh God, I love rabbits. I never knew that I could connect with them like this, but I walked out of there almost holding one, because SOOTHING BUNNY LOVE and OMG GIANT SEMI CARNIVOROUS LIZARDS ALL AROUND ME. It's just--*sighs*. Hell. Special hell.

Actually, I'm just incredibly stupid. Seriously. What the *hell*?

Yes, it is a good idea to listen to the instructions of the nice PetCo man from ten feet away, because he was holding a lizard and I could not make myself come any closer. Yes, get that giant scorpion out and let it run around. I'll be standing over by the basset hound relief area, looking at the soothing dogs. Oh, good, we want a bearded dragon, and okay, right, they're pretty freaking zen for lizards. He just lays there across my son's hand and blinks and occasionally twitches his tail. This pet business is an expensive undertaking involving terrariums, sand, rocks, heating pads, special lights, strange foods, and God and every saint, can o'crickets. With--cricket juice. They are packed in their own cricket juice. I have no words. He recommended since Child wanted something he could touch, and well, the gekkos are one, something I can find in my shower (don't even ask the new and creative ways I can shave my legs with my eyes fixed on the wall the entire time--let's just say it's an all new adventure), and two, they tend to escape and it'll be Jenn on the Dining Room Table and Jenn on the Computer Desk and Jenn on Top of the Sofa and you can see a pattern here, right?

I've had a long day. I did shopping therapy, in which I and Target became one with new sheets and a second pillow sham for my bed and a new accent pillow. Yes. An accent pillow. I am that kind of person. Hair stuff. Feng Shui candles for mom, then the Lizard of Doom. More hair things. Coldplay. Also went and got a new skirt and shoes and shirt, becuase I'm in that place that says, I don't care about eating this month, I need this. I have justified conspicous consumerism with the fact that this is pretty much teh only way I'm going to get through the fact we have a lizard in the house

*****

From the Annals of Thank God My Zen Came on Time: thepouncer sent me *prettiness* in the form of Joe Flanigan, and I can honestly state that it's humanly impossible for anyone to be that preternaturally pretty. It's just--laws of physics are broken. Laws of God and man are broken. It's--*waves hands*. It totally distracted me from the fact that fifteen feet away, a lizard is doing lizard things. Permanently.

Chica, name your price. Story, slavery, oh, do you want a nice semi-used bearded dragon?

*rubs forehead*

I've had a really scary day.

Snakes. Everywhere. And people buy them. And there were big ones and they all coiled together and it was just--yeah. I need alcohol. Or valium.

Aladdin!John for zen. Zen zen zen. One with the universe.

Oh my God, there is a bearded dragon in the house.


http://community.livejournal.com/kittypix/7309266.html

I'm with you there. Eep.

Just look at the pretty picture. It is not JF, but since someone already did that I thought I'd be different.

*waits patiently and unstalker like*

(Deleted comment)
He looks a lot like this. But about as big as my palm, not including tail.

http://www.hunterian.gla.ac.uk/news/archive/max/Bearded-Dragon.jpg

I mean, if you like reptiles, cute! If you don't? Utterly terrifying.

...cricket juice. I just--you know? I just don't want to know.

I take it you don't like Steve Irwin? You should totally write a story with Rodney screaming and running onto a table - or better yet, John running in screaming and jumping onto a table with Rodney following behind with a lizard. Turn your fear into story!
((((HUGS))))
And just remember, even though you are scared to death of it, you get to eat ice cream and drink copious amounts of alcohol while it eats ---- crickets.

*grins hugely* That woudl be so cruel. I could put them *both* on a table. On teh planet of Friendly Sentient Reptiles.

*sighs*

..and twitch myself to death while writing it.

You love Child so very, very much; this is obvious. *g*

I wouldn't buy a reptile for one of my kids, despite the fact that I can pretty much deal with snakes and lizards--especially behind glass. (And scorpions? Dude. I can't even look at pictures of scorpions. *shudders* I would never have made it through the pet store.)

I am a sucker for him looking big eyed and appealingly cute. It's--like a disease. They're his *thing*, you know? If this is his passion then--well, I will cry bitterly and curse fate, but okay.

*twtiches* Giant Scorpion. Did nothing good for me.

Breathe deeply and imagine that your bearded dragon is ... Rodney McKay in lizard form. It is, in fact, a Rodneysaurus. It may reprogram your computer or build a particle accelerator while you're at work, but it won't do anything really, you know, harmful.

*ponders this possibility*

Hmm. Rodneydragon. Hmm. It could be a good zen place to go when I have to clean the cage of the--lizard. Did I metnion my son named it Junior?

JUNIOR.

I could relate the stories of finding snakes of indeterminate species on my enclosed front porch, or the time I captured a small green hog-nosed garden snake in my hand (while I was lying in the grass and felt it moving across my palm), and let it wrap itself about my wrist...

Or the several rattlesnakes my Mom has shot with rifles and revolvers around her house.

But I won't.

You are a Very Good Mom. *pets your shoulder soothingly*

*breahtes from floor*

Oh, look, snake flashbacks. Just what i needed here.

*purrs under petting* Good place. What's a litlte trauma between me and Child?

He is ridiculously pretty, and I'm so glad that's distracting you from the Lizard Invasion. I don't think I could do that - all my pets should be small and fluffy or at least reside in water (from the time I kept bettas, until I got too guilty at them dying). If you should happen to find inspiration from Cupid or Thoughtcrimes viewage, I admit it would make me very happy. Or, you know, anything focusing on John. I'm so easy when it comes to JF! Should I be ashamed?

*grins hugely* Thoughtcrimes. God. *God*.

No shame. He's preternaturally pretty. It's impsosible to resist. Or stop staring, for that matter.

God, he is pretty.

if you love rabbits and need a little pick me up, google "giant german rabbit bbc" and click on the picture to enlarge. it will make your day.

OMG I saw that! So cute!

fifteen feet away, a lizard is doing lizard things.

Maybe the lizard will help get rid of the other creepy crawlies in the house.

He'll probably *attract* them or soemthing. Becuase that is my luck.

*but clings to hope*

Man, you're the coolest Mom ever! When I was fifteen, I wanted a pet rat, but wasn't allowed one because Pa doesn't like them. For you to buy your kid a pet that actually terrifies you is awesome!

I am zenning on the entire experience. I'm hoping exposure will burn out the worst of hte horror.

Yep... good Mom!

I'm not as wierded out by lizards as I am snakes... maybe it's the little legs that do something for me... I had Texas Horned toads when I was a girl... and I just loved the little critters.

http://graphicstock.com/graphicstock/reptile%20pages/reptile%201.html

They still have the potential to wreck havoc... or as my Dad used to say "They may not hurt me but they sure can make me hurt MYSELF."


*HUGS* the lovely scared parent inside you.

this box of bunnies past the first round of oh dear God snakes?
Perhaps now would not be the time to ask if you were sure the fluffy bunnikins were *actually* for sale as pets? Cos you know? can o'crickets.!

Boy (omg he's way too old for me to still think of him as being 7!) next door has snake -once you start stroking it it's pretty hard to stop. Okay that looks a bit- I do mean an actual reptile you get that right?

Glad Aladdin!John could help.

When I was in high school my dad got me a snake even though he was deathly afraid, because I wanted one so damn badly. And he hated it the whole time I had it, and now I am thirty and I still think fondly of the snake (even though it was kind of a crappy pet) because it was evidence of just how much my dad loved me.

You know, at least you now have a Giant Lizard Monster on hand for photo-fic when the SGA action figures finally come out.

Wow! What a good mommy!

That would be like me getting a bird, which...they're cool and wonderful and all, but they scare me, and nevernevernver.

Again? Good mom!