First off? Someone called this a wet dream of ficsters? Yes. Is this going to ramble? Hell yes. Commentary throughout, because I was inspired.
Simply put, I loved this episode start to finish.
Lucas is the hotness. Dear GOD the Luthors breed well. That is the prettiest Luthor I have ever seen. Not as sexy or charismatic as Lex, and yes, Lucas has that certain--let me think of how to put this--"I am a psychotic yet charming serial killer in the making" thing going on, but still. Damn. And of course, considering this is the Luthors, my first thought was....
Okay, NO. Bad jenn! No biscuit! And no slashing. Back.
Anyway, we have Lucas playing cards and showing off his Luthorness by cheating. Oh look at my shock. Guns are soon drawn--and really, I saw this coming from a mile away--and there's a body count as Lucas escapes with the money. Barely. Because he is rescued by--Lex!
Why, Lucas cries unto the heavens, or rather, to the delicious man before him.
We are brothers, Lex says. Traitor! What about Clark? How soon they forget! I think Lucas' hair may have been the deciding factor here. He has really pretty hair.
Hey, my OTP AND Slash goggles were on pretty much through teh entire show, but the thing is, I really dind't need them.
Let us skip ahead to the farm, where Pete and Clark play a nice, friendly game of basketball. Manly men doing manly, sweaty things. Lex appears with New Brother in tow, looking oh so pleased and slightly smug, and much shock and consternation commence as Clark takes in His First Serious Competition For Lex's Affections.
See, he's getting it now. Women come and go, but brothers are forever. Oddly, this explains a LOT.
Clark is jealous. Not kinda-jealous, not Lana-type-whimper-in-a-corner-like-a-pup
Oh yeah. I still can't entirely believe this happened.
And lookie there, superpowers being used! Pete, now officially wondering if Red!Kryptonite is making a comeback, tries to talk Clark down. But no! Clark is in the Zone! He shall beat this newcomer, because really, we all know basketball games are the way to Lex's heart. When Lex comes back, he will be able to say, look, I am SO much cooler than him. I suppose in his fantasies, Lex ships Lucas back to Edge City and redeclares their One True--Friendship.
That IS the word, right?
Lucas, at this point also feeling the competitive vibes of Lexness (and in retrospect, I am remembering how Lucas looked Clark over when they met, like he was sizing up an opponent), goes for the kill and gets hurt.
And for a few seconds there? Ole Clark didn't look too sorry.
Pete gives Clark a disappointed, how gay ARE you--er I mean, what is WRONG with you look, and Lucas asks Pete to take Lucas home.
You know, I read that again and I still can't believe I saw it. People, this is pure platinum. Dear God.
Okay, yes, there's other stuff, but really, I was drooling through this.
But wait! There's more.
It's revealed that Lex brought the PrettyYetSociopathic!Lucas home to play takeover, as apparently, Lionel left his living will open for percentage of stock, yaddayaddayadda. Lionel, wiley bastard, turns the tables and tosses Lex out on his ass, thinking Lucas will be cheaper. Lucas of course is not, but let's go to the Kent farm, where Fantasy #3 of Clex fanfic writers is in progress.
A destitute, curiously sexy, and strangely vulnerable Lex appears on the Kent family doorstep. Clark looks pleased and worried, but the pleased is winning, as there is no superfluous, good-haired, new brother in tow, and Lex tells Clark he's been cut off and tossed out. Just from curiosity, did poor Lex WALK all the way from the castle? May I stay here, Lex asks with both charm, humility, and a lot of deliciously repressed angst? Why yes, of course, Clark nearly squeals. I'm improvising since I can't remmeber the exact lines. Martha and Jonathan look on with worry, but of course, they are Kents and they take strays in whenver they appear. Aliens, telepaths, now broke billionaires.
More hotness in a distant view of Lex with a wheelbarrow. Manual labor does good things for Lex. Sexy things. Things that will make some of us stop breathing. Or maybe that's just me. Jonathan looks smug. I forgive him because, let's all face it, Lex doing manual labor is hot. Very, very hot. Go Jonathan! Put that boy to work! Harder! Harder!
God, if only it were summer....
Right, moving on.
Clark and Jonathan exchange the usual Luthor-related convos--he investigated you, blahblahblah, don't want him alone on the farm--strange, have I heard this before?--and Clark's eyes widen as he says, I trust Lex.
Huh. That's new. And that sound was about a thousand fangirls squeeing simutaneously, btw. Someone gave someone a blowjob for forgiveness here. Okay, only in my head, but if you can think of something better, do let me know.
Clark, also aware of the sexiness of a sweating, manual-laboring Lex, trots out to the barn to check out his new prize--er, houseguest. I hear happy whistling, as Clark revels in the fact that he is sole owner of Lex--er, Lex's brother spot. Oh yes, Lucas, Clark thinks, you have NO idea what you're missing here.
Right, maybe that's just me.
Lex mucks out stables with slinky, sexy movements of a rather phallic pitchfork, stabbing violently into the soft, yielding straw as Clark looks on a little dry-mouthed. Hey, where did Lex spend last night anyway, on the couch? Just curious. Clark expresses how impressed he is that Lex can carry a bale of hay. Let me laugh a little here. Okay, done. Lex shares another Memory of His Past, involving a ranch in Montana (that sound is the cliche fairies dropping another one in our lap) where they had to do work with the ranch hands. How very egalitarian. Also hot, but I think we've covered that, don't you? Apparently, Lionel sold the place after Lillian died, but Lex looks a little wistful. Clark wishes he could have been a ranch hand.
Back to Luthor Castle, where new and scary incestuous vibes are a-brewing.
Yadda yadda yadda, Lucas ignores DadDearest while playing video games. Damn, he's pretty. He is so pretty. Daddy pretends to knock into TV, Lucas finally gives in, Dad asks for signature, Lucas writes Bite Me.
A flicker across that evil, handsome face and Lucas looks smug. Confrontation! No one does it sexier than Luthors. Dad can see! The lame walk! The lion layeth down with the lamb! Lex lives with the Kents and does manual labor! Seriously, was not everyone waiting for some angels to appear singing about end times?
Lucas wants everything Lex has. Really? Lucas is not a stable personality--he makes Our Lex look very, very well-adjusted, does he not? Lionel makes grandiose noise about how Lucas is stronger, better than Lex, just a test (really? you fooled me, oh Magnificent Bastard) and Lucas is the One True Heir. And btw? Your Mommy is in an institution after trying to commit some murders. But for some reason, Lionel didn't share the information. I'm appalled.
A sweet and warm brotherly chat crackling with all that repression between Lex and Lucas commences in what used to be Lex's office, and for those who were watching, Lucas has a tattoo on the left arm and that's--yeah. Whoo. Breathe. The boys size each other up and if I were the kind who slashed incestuously, I might say they checked each other out, but I don't do that, so of course, I won't say that. Lucas realizes two things. One, he's got Lex's daddy and Lex's toys, but a Lex that does not make. I think it's the good hair getting in the way. Two, Lex manages to look really, really good for someone who was doing manual labor on a farm. Bastard, Lucas thinks to himself. You hot, hot bastard.
Clark and the Talon, Lana, really, did anyone pay attention to it? Things got exciting later as Clark gets the job, only to have Lucas appear after finding out from Lex about how easy it was to trace him. Oh Lucas. Trying to destroy the Talon to hurt Clark? Where hve I see this kind of bizarre action before? That would be Desiree.
Do I need to draw these kinds of comparisons?
Clark jogs out, telling Lucas he will quit. No, Lucas says, it is too late, and tries to flap off dramatically, but he just doens't have the right coat for it. A motorcycle appears with a Worse Guy on it and Clark knows that the man's after Lucas as Lucas looks on in dawning horror and wishes he'd just stayed home and sulked.
Clark, comfortable and happy knowing he is still The One True Brother, throws himself out to save Lucas, and Lucas is surprised. The Worse Guy is arrested offscreen, we assume.
Back home, Lucas tells Lionel about Clark's rescue and Lionel looks interested. I'm not liking this. LIonel says Lex was the one who did this. You know, with all that money and resources he doesn't have anymore. Okay, he could have, but I didn't buy it. Lionel asks, will you go all the way like Lex will, Lucas?
Lionel, you didn't just tell your Sociopathic!New!Son to kill Lex, did you?
In the Talon, Clark is almost doing work and then Chloe shows up. They chat about the near-death of Lucas, and Chloe reveals the shooter mysteriously died. Clark's eyes light up as he jumps to exactly the right conclusion wth minimal evidence and storms over to confront....
Back to the Kent farm, scene of a modern day miracle.
Jonathan does manly welding-type things in teh barn when Lex appears. They chat, and the strangest thing happens. They are pleasant with each other. Very much so. Overhead, birds begin to sing on key. Lex says he's leaving. Jonathan actually seems concerned. Houseguest and fish comparisons are made, because Lex has figured out that the language of Jonathan is Platitudalish. Wow. Jonathan notes that Lex did all the work he gave him and never complained, but does not point out that Lex was sexy doing it. Don't know why. Lex smiles and Jonathan says, you're welcome any time.
Lions and lambs, second comings, and Vegas odds. I don't believe what I just saw.
As Lex is about to leave, there's a sound. It's Lucas! With a gun. What IS it wiht the Luthor men and guns, and why dont' they start carrying them in every episode, because dear God yes this is good. Jonathan is knocked out and Lucas turns the gun on Lex.
Okay, need to breathe. Phew. Okay. Here we go.
Clark confronts Lionel about it very indirectly. He's learned from Lex, apparently. Lionel plays blind and answers a phone call. It's Lucas! Clakr listens outside the door, then he realizes that his Lex is in danger!
And dammit, he KNEW that nasty new brother-stealing boy was trouble!
Hee. God, this is so great.
At LuthorCorp (I assume, since it requires helicopter), Lionel comes in to Lucas occupying both his chair and his usual personality. Lex is tied to a chair and he really does make restraints look like a fashion statement. Lucas brandishes the gun and confrontationish things ensue. Lionel says, put down the gun.
Lex asks, how did you know he had a gun?
Lionel is getting sloppy. Also, he's showing his emotions, and thinking, these little shits are beginning to get to me. Hmm. Lucas gives Lionel a gun and says to kill Lex. There's Cain and Abel discussion, since this IS the Luthors and a conversation wouldn't be a conversation if historical references and Biblical stoires weren't tossed in. Lionel and Lex fight for Lucas' soul, but Lex looks really relaxed, does he not? Gun to Lex's temple, Lionel stares down at the child he disinherited, and says he can't.
Lucas lines up the shot.
Clark, hiding above, heats up Lucas' hand adn Lucas drops the gun. Lionel shoots Lucas twice.
At this time, I realize that the Luthor family is completely, completely insane.
Blanks, it turns out, and Lex smiles like it's Christmas and laughs and dammit, that--yes, Lex. With perfect triumph and not a little pure joy, Lex looks up and utters the most perfect single line in creation.
Lucas unbinds Lex and the Luthor Boys stride out, and Lucas, being a quick one, takes up Lex's walk, and that sound you heard was a few thousand fangirls hitting the floor, utterly overwhelmed.
Was that good for you or what?
Oh yes, and Lionel, after, notes melting metal and looks up to see a hole in the vent above. This is not good.
Lex is rearranging his office again but asks the TV stays. Smart move--that's a nice TV. Lionel wanders in. How do we heal this rift, he asks, and keep the Lucas affair quiet? What do you want, LexCorp? Lex smiles and says that Lucas is under his protection now and Lionel says that Lucas is a sociopath. Lex asks if he can guess what side of the family that came from, then walks out.
Clark and Lana chat in the Talon. Talk talk talk whatever. Clark won't work there. Now get to the good stuff.
Clark's outside when Lex appears, sans New!Brother, in his car. Pleased, Clark meets him and asks about Lucas, wondering if, perhaps, the little rodent is hiding in the trunk and will pop out to spoil This Perfect Moment. But he doesn't, and the boys drop on the back of a truck, ignoring the triviliaites of personal space, and chat about family and moving and Lucas, who Lex wants to gain the trust of. Clark doesn't look exactly thrilled about that.
They stare deeply into each other's eyes, while Lex silently confirms that Clark IS the One True Brother. Euphemistically speaking, of course.
Am I the only one who STILL can't quite believe how much FUN this was?
Now, for points that made me ponder.
The entire set up--Lex finding Lucas because Lionel had already contacted Lucas to set Lex up, therefore Lionel isn't overthrown and Lucas gets ten million dollars....
You know, Lionel usually isn't this short-sighted. He made bizarre noises about tests and plans, but Lucas' defection shook him. Considering the difficult life Lucas Luthor had to lead, I assume Lionel thought it would be easy to buy him off, but Lucas, being a Luthor, turned it around on him. Lionel never intended the split with Lex to be permanent, I think. He meant to buy Lucas off, give Lex some time amongst the masses in poverty, wait for him to crawl back, and get his tame son. Instead, he was stuck with Lucas, who is going to be on the FBI's most wanted Real Damn Soon. So he gives him waht he wants, then tips off someone to kill him.
Lionel? Scares me. A LOT.
I'm thinking that Lucas and Lex worked out the new plan while on teh way to Metropolis, since Lex has both charm and truth on his side, and Lucas has to know that of the two, Lex really is the less likely to actually kill him, simply because Lex wouldn't gain by his death if Lionel seriously wanted to get rid of Lex. The entire conference was plain spooky--the boys baited their father in a very, very twisted little game to get some actual answers and find out once and for all who it is Lionel wants.
That would be Lex.
I cannot wait to read the analyses on this episode. Just. Cannot. Wait.