1. Consequence Galore by mdl
Lex: I hear voices. All the time. In Greek, even.
Clark: This is worrisome. Let me tie you up and seduce you.
Lex: I feel better now!
2. The Same River by Isagel
Lex: So I totally saw you chewing on your pen at the press conference Clark.
Lex: And we all know what that means.
Lex: I have a room in a hotel.
Lex and Clark: *much sex*
Clark: *pillowtalk* I still hate you.
Lex: I know. *sighs*
Clark: *flies away*
Audience: Wait. But—wait? WE HAVE TO WAIT 180 MORE DAYS?
3. Learning Experience by Perryfic and Kat Reitz
Clark: This new guy is disturbingly familiar and make me hot like only one other person in the entire universe. Whoever could he be?
Lex: I am abroad. See? I'm calling from abroad right now. This stranger cannot possibly be me. Also, how do you feel about rodents?
Clark: I like them. Of course this is someone I've never met before in my life. I am randomly attracted to this male that totally reminds me of someone though I don't know who. Wait. Is that a metal rodent in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? No, it IS a rodent! OMG YOU SO LIED TO ME!
Audience: This is so not news.
4. Skin Deep by Rivka T
Clark: I have breasts.
Computer: This will teach you a lesson, boy.
Clark: I.—But. The breasts.
Martha: We will go shopping for clothes!
Clark: I. Have. Breasts.
Lex: Hey, that’s okay with me.
Clark: I have breasts and hey, it’s all good.
Clark: Wait. What the…where did my breasts go!?
Clark: So you can still say you’ve never had sex with a man.
Lex: Best. Orgasm. Of. My. Life.
5. Lex Libris by Beth
Clark: I must subtly seduce Lex with phallic shaped food and carefully choreographed sex..
Lex: This is subtle?
Clark: According to Cosmo, yes.
6. Le Dormeur du Val
Lex: *runs on treadmill*
Lex: *reads paper and suppresses urge to smite everyone*
Lex: Fuck it. *watches Clark sleep*
Clark: Hi. *sleeps*
Clark: *slee--* No, wait, let’s fuck.
Clark and Lex: Let’s go fly!
7. Ruat Caelum by RivkaT
Clark: Okay, despite our hugely different political and moral views, and despite the fact the Justice League would love you six feet under and has for a long time, I want you to trust us and make an alliance and we will totally not even think of betraying you. Like ever.
Clark: There could be sex involved.
Lex: I'm in.
Clark: I am keeping you isolated forever in the Fortress for your own protection. Not because I want to have my wicked way with you or anything, even though I'll be your only living contact and wow, this is a pretty small area if you think about it. This is purely for the sake of humanity, to keep you from doing evil.
Lex: Uh huh.
Clark: Totally for your own good with no ulterior motives what-so-ever.
Clark: Look! Computers to play with!
Clark: There will be a shitload of sex.
Lex: Tell me more about the sex.
8. Lilah's Coffin by durendal
Whitney: You’re not looking at the big picture here.
Clark: So these guys, they're sacrificing goats.
Lex: I motherfucking hate this town.
9. Blue Always Knew by Rhiannonhero
Lex: I am virgin to the ways of men and though I desperately want Clark, I shall control myself, as I have Political Aspirations and...
Clark: I'm in a towel.
Lex: I was saying something.
Clark: Let's have sex.
10. The Proposition by Emelerin
Clark: Ewww! Ewww! Ewww! Lex, a girl came on to meeeeee! I told her to go home but I will never be clean againnnnnnn!
Lex: Clark, that’s just not polite.
Clark: LEX. THIS WAS JUST LIKE INDECENT PROPOSAL. WE CAN EVEN GO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW SO YOU GET THAT THIS IS TRAUMATIZING.
Lex: *laughs heartily* Aww, Clark. She shouldn’t have tried that with you. I guess.
Clark: ARE YOU A POD PERSON? NO, REALLY?
Clark: *hyperventilates* Lex hates me. He was my totally fucked up soul mate and he hates me.
Clark: Wait. What?
Lex: I’ll destroy the world for you, baby.
Clark: Oh, my God you are so hot.
Lex: It’s about time you realized this.
11. I Touch Myself by Abi
Clark: I want Lex. He is married to a woman. Oh, woe is me. Also? I hate Lucas.
Lex: I am having a party for my brother Lucas, who is misunderstood. There will be alcohol and karaoke. No, this can't possibly go bad places.
Clark: Is the fact Lex is singing more or less disturbing than the fact that it's really hot?
Lex: Let's have sex while I am drunk and not entirely in my right mind. Now.
Clark: No! I can't! No. No. Well. Just this once. As you won't remember.
Lex: Ah, just like canon. But with sex.
Lucas: Let's have sex again now that you nailed my brother.
Clark: You are sick and wrong. Okay.
12. Thrill of a Lifetime by Lenore
Lex: *jumps up and down and does many!evil!things*
Clark: *waggles finger* You bad boy, you.
Lex: But. But. I’m…evil. And stuff.
Clark: Sure you are.
Lex: I’m going to fuck everyone in this room.
Clark: *snaps* *starts spanking*
13. The Seven Year Itch by Corinna.
Clark: Hi, I'm having dinner with Lois.
Lex: Dinner is so code for 'want to have sex'. You whore!
Clark: Did you hit your head?
Lex: Go away. I shall tell you I slept with legions, as obviously, you are GOING TO LEAVE ME ANYWAY, so I shall throw you out first! Then there will be rentboys in Paris and possibly masturbation to pictures of you. Man, this is depressing.
Clark: Logic is so not your forte. Spagetti?
14. X is for Xenosexual by dogpoet
Lex: *yawns* I have slept with every person on the planet. Is there nothing new to entertain me? *woe* Also, I don’t permit sleepovers. Ever.
Minion: He is *impossible* to shop for. No. Wait. This Weekly World News has the *answer*! *bounces*
Minion: I have found you an alien!
Lex: …right. Well. Show me.
Clark: You totally have chocolate flavored condoms in your robe pocket.
Lex: *intrigued but not quite there yet*
Clark: Um. I can fly?
Clark: *sleeps over*
Lex: Hmm. Maybe a *little* change in policy. Just a tiny one. Minute. Miniscule.
15. A Nice, Friendly Game by Koimistress
Clark: Oh woe, we are isolated and alone, with no chance for anyone to interrupt us for days and days and days, and did I mention, isolated from all contact with the outside world? Whatever shall we do?
Lex: No sex, that's for sure.
Clark: How about now?
Clark: How about now?
Clark: I'm on the phone with my parents.
Lex: Okay, now.
Lex: Painting makes me hot. Let's have sex on the floor.
Clark: Can we have sex after we leave?
Clark; I know, a sex game will convince you we should!
Lex: I'm not objecting to this strange tactic. Is bondage okay?
Clark: Knock yourself out.
16. Looking Glass by jenn
Jonathan does something really dumb one night and it comes back to bite him in the ass over and over again but he still doesn’t figure it OUT. Oh, and Lana gets addicted to drugs while Clark and Lex laugh and laugh and make faces at the camera. Jonathan’s all: OMG I WILL KILL YOU ALL but Clark glares at him over a blanket.
17. We're Straight, No Really by Cjandre
Lex and Clark: We are very straight.
Lex: I am drunk and want to seduce you in the closet and wow, this is such a great metaphor. Take off your pants.
Clark: No! Our friendship! Our heterosexuality! Our--pants are down.
Lex: We need to redefine straight.
Clark: We need to do that again.
18. Adaptability by Victoria P
So Lex is magnanimous with Clark until Clark says those fateful words.
“Lex, I think I’m pregnant.”
Then Lex is fearful and Clark chews on paper, watches Lifetime and worries about the aesthetics after a C-section, Lex does Zen and they watch birthing videos and finally decide that C-section is the way to go.
And then maybe Lex is pregnant.
19. The Stuff of Legend by Privatetentacle
Clark: I have found the ultimate eighties movie to illustrate my life and trauma. Watch it, Lex! Feel my pain!
Lex: You are a twelve year old girl. Yet still so hot.
20. Seduction by Lenore
Clark: I want Lex. Oh so much.
Lionel: He is unto a board with the straightness. How 'bout me?
Clark: Bad idea! Bad! Well, wait....
Clark: Oh woe! You lied, you magnificent bastard!
21. The Terrible Conflagration Up at the Place by zahra
Lex is upset, and he laments: I try, and I try, and I try so hard and this just is. Not. Working. Out. Clark goes, awww, Lex, you cooked dinner? For me? And then Lex offers to give Clark a truck for a spoon and there’s seduction by powdered chocolate on the kitchen floor and it is so, so hot.
22, Can't Be by Lenore
This one’s so easy, so you just get one line:
Lex: *pops out a baby on a beach and screams a lot*
Okay. I lied. You get another.
Baby: EAT STUFFED ANIMAL, EVIL GRANDPA.