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people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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more strange smallville summaries
Me and svmadelyn got very, very, very bored. I mean, levels unachieved by most mortals. It was really quite sad.

So. A variation on test your sv fanfic knowledge, originaly done by cjandre, rageprufrock, and me here last year.

Some styles borrowed from silvakundera.

  • Lex: I hear voices. All the time. In Greek, even.
    Clark: This is worrisome. Let me tie you up and seduce you.
    Lex: I feel better now!

  • 2.
  • Lex: So I totally saw you chewing on your pen at the press conference Clark.
    Lex: And we all know what that means.
    Lex: I have a room in a hotel.


    Lex and Clark: *much sex*
    Clark: *pillowtalk* I still hate you.
    Lex: I know. *sighs*
    Clark: *flies away*
    Audience: Wait. But—wait? WE HAVE TO WAIT 180 MORE DAYS?

  • 3.
  • Clark: This new guy is disturbingly familiar and make me hot like only one other person in the entire universe. Whoever could he be?
    Lex: I am abroad. See? I'm calling from abroad right now. This stranger cannot possibly be me. Also, how do you feel about rodents?
    Clark: I like them. Of course this is someone I've never met before in my life. I am randomly attracted to this male that totally reminds me of someone though I don't know who. Wait. Is that a metal rodent in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? No, it IS a rodent! OMG YOU SO LIED TO ME!
    Audience: This is so not news.

  • 4.
  • Clark: I have breasts.
    Computer: This will teach you a lesson, boy.
    Clark: I.—But. The breasts.
    Martha: We will go shopping for clothes!
    Clark: I. Have. Breasts.
    Lex: Hey, that’s okay with me.
    Clark: I have breasts and hey, it’s all good.


    Clark: Wait. What the…where did my breasts go!?
    Clark: So you can still say you’ve never had sex with a man.
    Lex: Best. Orgasm. Of. My. Life.

  • 5.
  • Clark: I must subtly seduce Lex with phallic shaped food and carefully choreographed sex..
    Lex: This is subtle?
    Clark: According to Cosmo, yes.

  • 6.
  • Clark: *sleeps*
    Lex: *runs on treadmill*
    Clark: *sleeps*
    Lex: *reads paper and suppresses urge to smite everyone*
    Clark: *sleeps*
    Lex: Fuck it. *watches Clark sleep*
    Clark: Hi. *sleeps*
    Clark: *slee--* No, wait, let’s fuck.
    Clark and Lex: Let’s go fly!

  • 7.
  • Clark: Okay, despite our hugely different political and moral views, and despite the fact the Justice League would love you six feet under and has for a long time, I want you to trust us and make an alliance and we will totally not even think of betraying you. Like ever.
    Lex: ....right.
    Clark: There could be sex involved.
    Lex: I'm in.


    Clark: I am keeping you isolated forever in the Fortress for your own protection. Not because I want to have my wicked way with you or anything, even though I'll be your only living contact and wow, this is a pretty small area if you think about it. This is purely for the sake of humanity, to keep you from doing evil.
    Lex: Uh huh.
    Clark: Totally for your own good with no ulterior motives what-so-ever.
    Lex: Right.
    Clark: Look! Computers to play with!
    Lex: ....
    Clark: There will be a shitload of sex.
    Lex: Tell me more about the sex.

  • 8.
  • Whitney: You’re not looking at the big picture here.
    Clark: So these guys, they're sacrificing goats.
    Lex: I motherfucking hate this town.

  • 9.
  • Lex: I am virgin to the ways of men and though I desperately want Clark, I shall control myself, as I have Political Aspirations and Social Thingies and...
    Clark: I'm in a towel.
    Lex: I was saying something.
    Clark: Let's have sex.
    Lex: Woot!

  • 10.
  • Clark: Ewww! Ewww! Ewww! Lex, a girl came on to meeeeee! I told her to go home but I will never be clean againnnnnnn!
    Lex: Clark, that’s just not polite.
    Lex: *laughs heartily* Aww, Clark. She shouldn’t have tried that with you. I guess.


    Clark: *hyperventilates* Lex hates me. He was my totally fucked up soul mate and he hates me.
    Clark: Wait. What?
    Lex: I’ll destroy the world for you, baby.
    Clark: Oh, my God you are so hot.
    Lex: It’s about time you realized this.

  • 11.
  • Clark: I want Lex. He is married to a woman. Oh, woe is me. Also? I hate Lucas.
    Lex: I am having a party for my brother Lucas, who is misunderstood. There will be alcohol and karaoke. No, this can't possibly go bad places.


    Clark: Is the fact Lex is singing more or less disturbing than the fact that it's really hot?
    Lex: Let's have sex while I am drunk and not entirely in my right mind. Now.
    Clark: No! I can't! No. No. Well. Just this once. As you won't remember.
    Lex: Ah, just like canon. But with sex.


    Lucas: Let's have sex again now that you nailed my brother.
    Clark: You are sick and wrong. Okay.

  • 12.
  • Lex: *jumps up and down and does many!evil!things*
    Clark: *waggles finger* You bad boy, you.
    Lex: But. But. I’m…evil. And stuff.
    Clark: Sure you are.
    Lex: I’m going to fuck everyone in this room.
    Clark: *snaps* *starts spanking*
    Contracts: *mmmm*

  • 13.
  • Clark: Hi, I'm having dinner with Lois.
    Lex: Dinner is so code for 'want to have sex'. You whore!
    Clark: Did you hit your head?
    Lex: Go away. I shall tell you I slept with legions, as obviously, you are GOING TO LEAVE ME ANYWAY, so I shall throw you out first! Then there will be rentboys in Paris and possibly masturbation to pictures of you. Man, this is depressing.
    Clark: Logic is so not your forte. Spaghetti?

  • 14.
  • Lex: *yawns* I have slept with every person on the planet. Is there nothing new to entertain me? *woe* Also, I don’t permit sleepovers. Ever.
    Minion: He is *impossible* to shop for. No. Wait. This Weekly World News has the *answer*! *bounces*
    Minion: I have found you an alien!
    Lex: …right. Well. Show me.
    Clark: You totally have chocolate flavored condoms in your robe pocket.
    Lex: *intrigued but not quite there yet*
    Clark: Um. I can fly?
    Lex: Sold!
    Clark: *sleeps over*
    Lex: Hmm. Maybe a *little* change in policy. Just a tiny one. Minute. Miniscule.

  • 15.
  • Clark: Oh woe, we are isolated and alone, with no chance for anyone to interrupt us for days and days and days, and did I mention, isolated from all contact with the outside world? Whatever shall we do?
    Lex: No sex, that's for sure.
    Clark: How about now?
    Lex: No.
    Clark: How about now?
    Lex: No.
    Clark: I'm on the phone with my parents.
    Lex: Okay, now.


    Lex: Painting makes me hot. Let's have sex on the floor.
    Clark: Cool.


    Clark: Can we have sex after we leave?
    Lex: Never.
    Clark; I know, a sex game will convince you we should!
    Lex: I'm not objecting to this strange tactic. Is bondage okay?
    Clark: Knock yourself out.

  • 16.
  • Jonathan does something really dumb one night and it comes back to bite him in the ass over and over again but he still doesn’t figure it OUT. Oh, and Lana gets addicted to drugs while Clark and Lex laugh and laugh and make faces at the camera. Jonathan’s all: OMG I WILL KILL YOU ALL but Clark glares at him over a blanket.

  • 17.
  • Lex and Clark: We are very straight.
    Lex: I am drunk and want to seduce you in the closet and wow, this is such a great metaphor. Take off your pants.
    Clark: No! Our friendship! Our heterosexuality! Our--pants are down.


    Lex: We need to redefine straight.
    Clark: We need to do that again.

  • 18.
  • So Lex is magnanimous with Clark until Clark says those fateful words.

    “Lex, I think I’m pregnant.”

    Then Lex is fearful and Clark chews on paper, watches Lifetime and worries about the aesthetics after a C-section, Lex does Zen and they watch birthing videos and finally decide that C-section is the way to go.

    And then maybe Lex is pregnant.

  • 19.
  • Clark: I have found the ultimate eighties movie to illustrate my life and trauma. Watch it, Lex! Feel my pain!
    Lex: You are a twelve year old girl. Yet still so hot.

  • 20.
  • Clark: I want Lex. Oh so much.
    Lionel: He is unto a board with the straightness. How 'bout me?
    Clark: Bad idea! Bad! Well, wait....


    Clark: Oh woe! You lied, you magnificent bastard!
    Audience. Duh.

  • 21.
  • Lex is upset, and he laments: I try, and I try, and I try so hard and this just is. Not. Working. Out. Clark goes, awww, Lex, you cooked dinner? For me? And then Lex offers to give Clark a truck for a spoon and there’s seduction by powdered chocolate on the kitchen floor and it is so, so hot.

  • This one’s so easy, so you just get one line:

    Lex: *pops out a baby on a beach and screams a lot*

    Okay. I lied. You get another.


  • </ol>

    Well, that was fun. Any guesses?

    And footnote: Go here if this was a real fanfic-finding emergency. As I said, me and svmadelyn? Got very, very bored.

    PS. *sighs* I didn't put the name of the community. sv_inquiry Again. We've been *bored*.

    • 1
    (Deleted comment)
    (Deleted comment)
    *sigsh* I used the OL and LI command. I have no idea why that didn't work, since it does work on my webpage. But added numbers additionally.

    And good guess!

    LMAO at the summaries.

    3. "Freshman Orientation" by Punk
    16. "Looking-Glass" by jenn (that would be you *g*).


    Arg, I don't think I got the first one right... But I so remember reading it! *furrows brow*

    22. is Can't Be by Lenore

    2) The Same River, 'cause I like just read it last week.

    rentboys in Paris

    *perk* *hopeful look*

    19) Aaaaah! The one where they watch Legend! *dies*

    no 3 is Learning Experience by Katz and Perrvyvic?

    No. 6 is Le Dormer Du Val by Pun.

    No 10 is The Proposition by Emelerin?

    Others are just on the tip of my tongue >_

    Would #4 happen to be "Skin Deep" by rivkat? I think so.

    And is #12 "Thrill of a Lifetime" by scribblinlenore? Quite possibly.

    Casey: *reads through summaries trying to find one of hir own fics*
    Casey: *doesn't find any*
    Casey: *clicks on all links even though ze has class in the morning*

    Okay, here are my choices"

    #3- The Same River (Isagel)
    #5- Switch (by Rivka)
    #9- Indigo (Rhiannon)
    #14- X is for Xenosexual (Garryowen)
    #16- Looking Glass (Jenn)
    #18- Adaptation (Pun, I think. I know it starts with a P)

    Oh, thought of another one.

    10. "The Proposition" by Emerelin

    #13 = Corinna's Seven Year Itch?

    I knew 15, too. Two is actually surprisingly good, I think, considering how long since I read .... anything SV at all.

    I was all proud I knew a bunch, but they've mainly been guessed.

    Is 11. I Touch Myself by justabi?

    2. The Same River by Isagel
    6. er, Sleepy!Clark by Pun
    7. Ruat Caelum by RivkaT (I *love* this fic so much I want to have its babies. Um. Yeah.)
    17. We're Straight. No really. by CJ
    19. Stuff of Legends by privatentacle (??????)

    *snickers* that's supposed to be privatetentacle. I don't know which sounds dirtier.

    You guys are hilarious. I have the big dork!grin of hilarity plastered on my face. *g*

    So I only got half:

    3. Learning Experience, by Perryvic and Kat Reitz
    4. Skin Deep, by RivkaT
    6. Le Dormeur du Val, by Pun
    9. Blue Always Knew (for the towel part) and Indigo His Own (political aspirations part) both by Rhiannonhero
    10. The Proposition, by Emelerin
    13. The Seven-Year Itch, by Corinna
    14. X is for Xenosexual, by dogpoet
    16. Looking-Glass, by seperis
    20. Seduction, by Lenore
    21. The Terrible Conflagration Up at the Place, by zahra
    22. Can't Be, by Lenore

    *giggle* I don't remember most of those stories being comedies. Huh.

    guesses 3 is "A Learning Experience"....????

    Ahahahaha! You're right; that WAS fun.

    I know most of these, but in that annoyingly vague way where I can recall the stories perfectly but have no idea who wrote them or the titles. *grumps*

    Uh, so, anyone up for a weird story from a random?

    I ran into a link to that first post ages back, probably shortly after it first went up. I clearly remember reading through it and giggling a lot, despite being barely aware of what Smallville actually *was* at the time.

    A few months ago, I picked up a serious addiction to Smallville practically overnight. Today, I manage to run into that same post again. Over a third of those summaries now sound awfully familiar.

    The Internet is officially a small place after all.

    I love the summary of Ruat Caelum. 'Cause you're right; the alien invasion was so secondary to Clark's little housetraining plan. But I can't figure out exactly what rewards he ought to offer Lex for obedience ... I went so far as to do some research into behavioral conditioning. What would it take to get Lex on his knees, really?

    These summaries are so funny, LMAO (especially for the last one from Lenore *giggles*)!!!

    I recognized almost all of them (boy, do I read too much ff!!), for others I'm curious. It's going to be fun reading them with these summaries in mind. *G*

    Contracts: *mmmm*



    I *so* cannot decide which one makes me laugh harder.

    This was so much fun! I was amazed by how many of the stories I recognized. Thanks for posting it, Jenn!

    I have never posted a comment before.

    I believe 8 is Lilah's Coffin by Durendal.

    And while I'm here--Jenn, I have so enjoyed Pretty When You're Mine. Thanks for the good drugs!

    So far, nobody got 1 and 8! No idea what "1" is but "8" is soooo familiar.

    18. Adaptability by Pru

    Lex: We need to redefine straight.
    Clark: We need to do that again.

    *falls down* Oh, this is great. Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise dreary day. :)

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