So. A variation on test your sv fanfic knowledge, originaly done by cjandre, rageprufrock, and me here last year.
Some styles borrowed from silvakundera.
Clark: This is worrisome. Let me tie you up and seduce you.
Lex: I feel better now!
Lex: And we all know what that means.
Lex: I have a room in a hotel.
Lex and Clark: *much sex*
Clark: *pillowtalk* I still hate you.
Lex: I know. *sighs*
Clark: *flies away*
Audience: Wait. But—wait? WE HAVE TO WAIT 180 MORE DAYS?
Lex: I am abroad. See? I'm calling from abroad right now. This stranger cannot possibly be me. Also, how do you feel about rodents?
Clark: I like them. Of course this is someone I've never met before in my life. I am randomly attracted to this male that totally reminds me of someone though I don't know who. Wait. Is that a metal rodent in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? No, it IS a rodent! OMG YOU SO LIED TO ME!
Audience: This is so not news.
Computer: This will teach you a lesson, boy.
Clark: I.—But. The breasts.
Martha: We will go shopping for clothes!
Clark: I. Have. Breasts.
Lex: Hey, that’s okay with me.
Clark: I have breasts and hey, it’s all good.
Clark: Wait. What the…where did my breasts go!?
Clark: So you can still say you’ve never had sex with a man.
Lex: Best. Orgasm. Of. My. Life.
Lex: This is subtle?
Clark: According to Cosmo, yes.
Lex: *runs on treadmill*
Lex: *reads paper and suppresses urge to smite everyone*
Lex: Fuck it. *watches Clark sleep*
Clark: Hi. *sleeps*
Clark: *slee--* No, wait, let’s fuck.
Clark and Lex: Let’s go fly!
Clark: There could be sex involved.
Lex: I'm in.
Clark: I am keeping you isolated forever in the Fortress for your own protection. Not because I want to have my wicked way with you or anything, even though I'll be your only living contact and wow, this is a pretty small area if you think about it. This is purely for the sake of humanity, to keep you from doing evil.
Lex: Uh huh.
Clark: Totally for your own good with no ulterior motives what-so-ever.
Clark: Look! Computers to play with!
Clark: There will be a shitload of sex.
Lex: Tell me more about the sex.
Clark: So these guys, they're sacrificing goats.
Lex: I motherfucking hate this town.
Clark: I'm in a towel.
Lex: I was saying something.
Clark: Let's have sex.
Lex: Clark, that’s just not polite.
Clark: LEX. THIS WAS JUST LIKE INDECENT PROPOSAL. WE CAN EVEN GO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW SO YOU GET THAT THIS IS TRAUMATIZING.
Lex: *laughs heartily* Aww, Clark. She shouldn’t have tried that with you. I guess.
Clark: ARE YOU A POD PERSON? NO, REALLY?
Clark: *hyperventilates* Lex hates me. He was my totally fucked up soul mate and he hates me.
Clark: Wait. What?
Lex: I’ll destroy the world for you, baby.
Clark: Oh, my God you are so hot.
Lex: It’s about time you realized this.
Lex: I am having a party for my brother Lucas, who is misunderstood. There will be alcohol and karaoke. No, this can't possibly go bad places.
Clark: Is the fact Lex is singing more or less disturbing than the fact that it's really hot?
Lex: Let's have sex while I am drunk and not entirely in my right mind. Now.
Clark: No! I can't! No. No. Well. Just this once. As you won't remember.
Lex: Ah, just like canon. But with sex.
Lucas: Let's have sex again now that you nailed my brother.
Clark: You are sick and wrong. Okay.
Clark: *waggles finger* You bad boy, you.
Lex: But. But. I’m…evil. And stuff.
Clark: Sure you are.
Lex: I’m going to fuck everyone in this room.
Clark: *snaps* *starts spanking*
Lex: Dinner is so code for 'want to have sex'. You whore!
Clark: Did you hit your head?
Lex: Go away. I shall tell you I slept with legions, as obviously, you are GOING TO LEAVE ME ANYWAY, so I shall throw you out first! Then there will be rentboys in Paris and possibly masturbation to pictures of you. Man, this is depressing.
Clark: Logic is so not your forte. Spaghetti?
Minion: He is *impossible* to shop for. No. Wait. This Weekly World News has the *answer*! *bounces*
Minion: I have found you an alien!
Lex: …right. Well. Show me.
Clark: You totally have chocolate flavored condoms in your robe pocket.
Lex: *intrigued but not quite there yet*
Clark: Um. I can fly?
Clark: *sleeps over*
Lex: Hmm. Maybe a *little* change in policy. Just a tiny one. Minute. Miniscule.
Lex: No sex, that's for sure.
Clark: How about now?
Clark: How about now?
Clark: I'm on the phone with my parents.
Lex: Okay, now.
Lex: Painting makes me hot. Let's have sex on the floor.
Clark: Can we have sex after we leave?
Clark; I know, a sex game will convince you we should!
Lex: I'm not objecting to this strange tactic. Is bondage okay?
Clark: Knock yourself out.
Lex: I am drunk and want to seduce you in the closet and wow, this is such a great metaphor. Take off your pants.
Clark: No! Our friendship! Our heterosexuality! Our--pants are down.
Lex: We need to redefine straight.
Clark: We need to do that again.
“Lex, I think I’m pregnant.”
Then Lex is fearful and Clark chews on paper, watches Lifetime and worries about the aesthetics after a C-section, Lex does Zen and they watch birthing videos and finally decide that C-section is the way to go.
And then maybe Lex is pregnant.
Lex: You are a twelve year old girl. Yet still so hot.
Lionel: He is unto a board with the straightness. How 'bout me?
Clark: Bad idea! Bad! Well, wait....
Clark: Oh woe! You lied, you magnificent bastard!
Lex: *pops out a baby on a beach and screams a lot*
Okay. I lied. You get another.
Baby: EAT STUFFED ANIMAL, EVIL GRANDPA.
Well, that was fun. Any guesses?
And footnote: Go here if this was a real fanfic-finding emergency. As I said, me and svmadelyn? Got very, very bored.
PS. *sighs* I didn't put the name of the community. sv_inquiry Again. We've been *bored*.