March 16th, 2010

children of dune - leto 1

in which i rant on nothing actually relevant to anyone

Cracked.com - apparently the place I can actually spend eight hours surfing when the servers go down. I mean, doing this with wikipedia at least gave me like, plausible deniability in that it was semi-educational and you know, I was getting in good with the Illuminati, but I'm much less copasetic laughing hard enough to get the attention of my boss.

Why are they so hilarious?

However, The 7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey, oh my God, yes.

Let me explain.

I own a babygamer, aka Child. I used to spend quality time myself in seven hour stretches in Final Fantasy VII, not to mention a childhood of Zeldas and Marios and whatever I could get my hands on that would fit with a ColecoVision, Atari, Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, GameCube, Playstation, Playstation 2, 3, Wii, X-Box 360 we are your fucking audience, get it? The thing is, parenthood did not change this--children are useful for bringing one beverages and helping you keep track items in the dungeons, seriously, gamers take note, kids are excellent slave labor. I cannot recommend this highly enough once they understand single word verbal commands and have good enough hand-eye coordination to get things from the fridge, mmkay?

However, let me tell you about Final Fantasy VII, in which I took my discs and tried to break them in a hysterical fit because you kept making me do stupid shit for hours. I am willing to put in the time to get the gear to kill the thing and explore the continent. But if I have to redo it five times because you want to extend your gameplay and had to travel epic lengths of continent on unreliable little mule-like creatures while three quarters of my team was dead to get to the goddamn save points, fuck it, I found Voyager fanfiction.

Seriously. That's how I ended up in fandom. Which is a life lesson we can all learn from. Throw your CDs at the wall, join PTF and ASC, three months later, you are writing about the crew of Voyager being infected with parasites and writing highly awkward porn.

I am not saying there was a Golden Age here, I am saying my thirteen year old beat Halo 3 and Halo 3 ODST in under three weeks, and I won't talk about Assassin's Creed because that was money not well spent. There is a pile devoted to the Modern Warfare franchise that hurts me. There is a reason a lot of people who otherwise kept spreadsheets and whose children learned how to use a controller and a keyboard before they could speak full sentences get hot for Wii Play, Wii Sports, and goddamn Farmville. Sure, they are repetitious and make us wonder what kind of people we've become, but they didn't make me ride stupid little mule-things that kicked me off when I was almost at the save point just to watch me die as dawn broke across the horizon (in real time). After six hours of gameplay. Before my Human Sexuality test. Also, Wii Bowling rocks. (I do not play Farmville. I wish it to burn to the ground. My mother and several coworkers of multi-ethnic groups of various ages up to eighty spend quality time worrying in chat about their fields. I have never seen anything more terrifying. Then they ask me to gift them with a nail. This has to stop.)

Which is part of the reason I refused to go near anything game related. Every time I am tempted? I remember those mule-things. And wtf about Ariel? THAT WAS SO NOT ON.

To be fair, I am badly tempted by the new Silent Hill: Shattered Memories. I am not giving in, but I am saying, I may have more than once stroked it lovingly and thought about teh nightmares I would have should I want to sleep (which I'd be playing, so I wouldn't).

Speaking of, anyone have any recs for games that he will not a.) finish in two weeks and make me hate the gaming industry and b.) be bored with? I'd like something with a storyline, but FPS is fine as long as there is a neat assortment of weapons and something vaguely resembling a strategy. Any platform is fine but PC. We have burned through Halo, Modern Warfare, anything with the word "Assassin" in it, and he refuses Star Wars for reasons that don't make sense but have something to do with Anakin being a douche (which I guess actually does make sense).
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