March 18th, 2006

children of dune - leto 1

and I am looking at cake

I sometimes think my biggest problem in life is my relationship with horror movies, and this aspect of my personality seeps into every aspect of how I deal with the world.

Stephen King calls horror movies social commentaries. I consider them research for worst case scenarios. i sit down, watch, say, The Ring, and learn not to watch blank tapes of unknown origin and keep my child from my video collection. Halloween? Don't have sex on or around holidays. Nightmare on Elm Street? You totally see where my insomnia comes from. And my personal moment of epiphany--vampires have taught me the best places to give hickies.

I mean, let's face it, as a human being, I'm more prepared for an army of zombies to attack than I am for a tax audit. And the thing is? I am scared to death of horror movies.

I cannot sit through The Candyman. I cannot cannot cannot. Forget Hellraiser. If you mention The Hostel or Saw, I will be hiding. Mutilation and ultraviolence don't do much for me. I can't sit through it so I never get hit by it and it won't haunt me for the rest of my natural life, and really, what's the point otherwise? The real balance to be achieved is the fine line of not getting too graphic with the violence so I don't have a excuse to leave, and enough pure terror to freeze me to my seat. That's why The Ring worked, Halloween worked, and a couple of the Friday the Thirteenths and Nightmare on Elm Steets worked *really well*. Not enough to trigger my gag reflex, and enough tension to hold me in place. I like implications far more than I want to see the reality on the screen.

However--this is where it gets trickier. I do like the plotlines. Hellraiser had a supercool plot concept, and that pissed me off, because I literally could not be in the same room with it. It stops being pleasure when skinning is involved. So I go looking for movie *summaries* or reviews, or in a really wonderful world, a TWOP style commentary on both that I can get through. And that's kind of like substituting vicadin for heroin. You get the high, but it's not nearly as good and it doesn't last as long.

Which again, isn't as fun. There's also the entire nightmares for weeks and terror and the way Samara followed me around and I still get chills from the memory of Freddy and why I love, love, love Dracula.

But. Hee's my bigget problem with horror movies.

The wrong people always die.

Okay, if i were an evil spirit bent on destruction--why in the *name of God* am I killing off the sluts and bad people first? They're *my kind*. THey cause havoc and broken marriages and bad Saturday nights with ice cream. I mean, I'm just saying, it's always them first. Which is why I get annoyed, because evil darkness should have the common sense to go after the annoying good people first, and get them out of the way. Plus, lets' face it, if you're a villian, you want to cement your evil in place, you kill like, buses of orphans and stuff. Kililng Betty the Town Slut does not show you are evil. For all we know, she uses her teeth too much during blowjobs and pissed the Evil Thing off.

It's annoying.

In other news, I'm so bored. But I'm reading though horror movie reviews of movies. Anyone know a good site for it?

Also, to fyrdrakken - totally check out this body cavity cake. Kick ass. Seriously.