December 2nd, 2004

children of dune - leto 1

and then there are really *trippy* days

I went into my office and found a card and a separate envelope on my chair. Huh, I said. Early Christmas card? Really early?

The first was a gift certificate to a restaurant I'd mentioned liking, the second was the accompanying card saying thanks.

Okay. This has context, but that's what put me in the glowy place, cause *man*. Totally did not expect that.

When I got back from training on Monday, I wasn't expected for another two weeks, so I wasn't on the schedule. Fair enough. they gave me cases, but Supervisor restricted me to four a day. Trust me, I find this as trippy as anyone else does. So okay. Talking to the trainees, most were kind of--well, even more panicky than I am under the caseload. One or two especially had been looking kind of green aroudn the gills.

I had free time on Tuesday morning and went to the Worker IV in charge of the other trainee unit and asked if any of the trainees needed some of their cases finished for them. Basically, I'd be denying cases of people who missed their appointment. Not hard, just sometimes time consuming.

She says no, cause you know, they need to *suffer*. But she didn't say it like that. She sent me to that supervisor to get secondary no's. Well, she said, "OH GOD YES" which was my clue that man, I may be taking on more than I could handle. We went to J's office and S told him I'd offered to take his cases, and he was all "OMG THANK YOU" whereas I'm like, "I'm just bored as hell and noshows are easy". Of course, I dind't know there were twenty, but that wasn't that bad, and anyway, I clerked before I did this, so doing some of these was like second nature anyway.

So right. Hence, card and food. I'm kind of torn--on one hand, that's like, three meals or so, and this i is possibly one of the sweetest and kindest things I can remember someone doing for me for a long time. On the other--it's making me kind of sit down and go, okay, so *no one else* has offered something this simple that it's a big deal?

Of course, to prove no good deed goes unpunished, my Super cornered me after a Supervisor meeting yesterday. Now, the thing is, I'm really *good* at not being noticed. I'm an expert. And for some reason, I actually thought no one was paying me much attention, but apparently, That Super was talking about ME at that damn meeting. I have no idea how many people heard, but my Super did, and was like, well, it was sweet of you, but you have a *caseload*, and I just bit my tongue before saying, I just got back adn I don't and I'm *bored*, because even I'm not that stupid. Also, it was often mentioned how every one of those cases would now be on my stats report, which is complex, but a really nice way of saying, if those cases were late when I got them, all the lateness will fall back on me and I am screwed on my evaluations.

This is when I realized I don't care.

I mean, I used to care how my supervisors and upper levels saw me. I did. Then I stopped. I think it was during the morale raising speech about how our workload was going to increase and bucking up and pain and so forth. You know, the usual way you keep your employees happy. I'm torn between thinking:

A.) this is a rise in my selflessness, in that I'm not so much caring about myself as I am about other people

or, much more likely

B.) I am officially beyond giving a shit as long as the damn job gets done by someone.

I'm on B.

Which is actually kind of a dangerous way to think. The thing is, of all things, this job does *not* encourage group help in caseloads. It just doesn't. I think there's some vaguely British boarding school thing about toughening people up during the training period, but there's also hot boy/boy action when we are talking cliches, which we aren't gettting any of, since our office is primarily women, so you know, not seeing the benefit.

So you know, with this on my stats, which will seriously screw them up, there is a very good chance I could get fired come April, The Time of Changeover Into a New Way of Doing Things.

I plan to accost more people for their cases. I have every intention of fucking my stats into the *ground*. This is probably the most excited I've been since New York. Except for the happiness of free food.

On a further note, adn when I find out who *told*, I will toilet paper thier office, I'm getting a Reputation for being Helpful and Friendly. Hence, people are showing up in my office to ask me Questions. And they think my answers are Right!

The Bad Side

One of my former clients called today, in hysterical tears, with some kind of inane question that didn't even make *sense*. One of my more sterling qualities as a human being is my ability to be completely unsympathetic to human misery when I'm worried about my nailpolish, but she was getting worse and worse and despite myself, I started getting worried. I asked if she was on meds, adn no, she wasn't, because no health insurance, but she should be on what amounted to being two extremely powerful anti-anxieties.

Whoo doggies.

The thing is, there is literally *nothing* I can do in this one. If she was in my office, I could do something, but she's at home and there are so many laws I'd be breaking to even *talk* about it that it's not even funny. I couldn't even go to see her, which I was seriously thinking, or you know, *legal action* shit. So not kidding on this one, and she was starting to scare me. I talked to her as long as I could, trying to calm her down, but sorry to say, my voice does not have the Magical Power of Instant Sanity, or I'd market myself already, and I'll be honest, I'm the least comforting human being in creation. I have no idea if she's going to be okay. I have no idea how bad this attack was or is, because I usually deal wiht people who are already medicated. I gave her as many numbers as I could think of to call, get help, get *something*. I don't think she is. She's not working, she's about to go off benefits, and she's starting school, but I'm wondering how sh'es going to, you know, *eat* while studying. Or how she's going to get through the day if this is any example of what she's going through, mental-wise.

I mean, she called *me*. Who in their *right mind* who has ever met me would call me for comfort? Wire Monkey, people. Shit. If I'm lucky, I'll have completely forgotten this in the morning. Sometimes, I comfort myself with new facial products. It's like amnesia, but less traumatizing.
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