March 22nd, 2004

moody cow

why wario will destroy the world

Last day at work. Off to training. I wish I could say something profound happened, something that made me see this is my True Path, or even that a fight broke out in teh lobby and I got to place bets, but unfortunately, it was a long, slow day. I cleaned out my desk, fit my worklife into a box, and FormerStalkerGuy took it out for me. People expressed amazement that this was my last day.

Partially because I really didn't talk about it. My supervisor was surprised. I would have told her if she'd asked.

Profound Moment

The profound thing happened Sunday night, at which time I braved Warioworld with Child, as he was having Issues with the Two Headed Dragon of Ultimate Stupidity that kicked my ass repeatedly.

This is what I've learned. It's not good.

When I fall into the money-eating pit, I sound like a ten cent whore with language issues and poor impulse control. I had no idea I was capable of that kind of invective, but the sheer level sent those who overheard me screaming it at the television into some really unbecoming hysterics. Child collapsed on the floor, laughing so hard he was crying, and I'd have been so ashamed and horrified with myself if the *censored* ghosts weren't *censored* squeezing out every *censored* *censored* red cent I *censored* earned levels before so I could buy more *censored* *censored* *censored* life to *censored* kill the *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored* two headed dragon.


It sounded kinda like that, but with words.

Also, I fell into it eight times.

I love my spam headers. They have taught me many a nifty saying for times like that.

Apparently, I was shouting near the end for the ghosts to keep their filthy hands off my money. But I was more creative. I called into question parentage and sexual habits of both ghosts, for being so greedy, and Wario, for being such a moron as to fall, when my fingers had obviously done all the right things in keeping him from falling.

I yelled at Wario a *lot*. One might say, I didn't stop for long periods of time.

For the record, I didn't know I knew all those words. According to not-so-innocent onlookers, I was yelling extremely limited Spanish and my one true Finnish bit at the television near the end, but I don't consider them reliable, since they were kind of loud with all the laughing and falling on the floor. Hell, for all I know, I was speaking in tongues. I went in with two thousand, left with a thousand. I challenge *anyone* to deal with that maturely.

And you have *no* idea what annoying little digital lizardish things I had to fight to get that money.

In the end, though, I killed the two headed dragon, and I capered, because that bastard was dead and I got the key to something, though I have no idea what it is. But he was dead and I was happy, and this, this is how the cavepeople felt when they brought down the brontasaurus (don't fuck with me about dinosaurs not being around during cavepeople days, *I* have a public school education and I watched the Flintstones). All hanging around their campfires and doing their painting on the walls and random spontaneous sex (we were hygenic cavepeople as well. Again, Flintstones? Right, the water came *out* of a snout, but it was clean) and I guess made houses out of the bones or something. I'm not so sure exactly, but I know it was just like that.

I got off subject.

Here's the other thing I learned from Warioworld.

Ice? Cliffs? Are created by people who have no souls. None. No one with a soul would make cliffs with icy slopes that are impossible by any human means to climb unless you are actually capable of hitting four diametrically opposed buttons all at once. I ignore the fact that Child can do this, since watching him play, I've begun to feel doubt about his actual humanity and all. Because, let's all face it, his fingers are shorter than mine, I have better fine motor control, and yet, I fall and he *doesn't*. Let's just mull that one, okay?

And when you fall off the icy cliff?

Money-stealing bastards.

That's all I have to say about this subject.

Stumble and Fall

If this story doesn't come together, I'm going to kill Justin. I mean, it would solve everything, and also, be easy. Daphne's due date, he can get run over by a bus headed for Las Vegas carrying octogenian PFLAG members going to live it up on the strip. We will have a long, long, long, emotional scene in which Brian, who will be high because, well, he's always high during profound moments, will, in a fit of passion, name the child Justin Taylor Kinney and everyone will break into a musical number with Celine Dion singing My Heart Will Go On, and I will then cut my wrists and just die, because the day I do that, I know I will no longer have a reason to live, as I will be among the soulless ones, making icy mountains for Wario to climb and die on and then fall into money-eating pits and cast doubt on the humanity of Child. Bastard Wario and his not-climbing ass.

That's the plan. Right there.

And don't *even* try to stop me. I have a keyboard and a GameCube and a complete set of bodice ripper romance novels and a scary number of pop MP3s and I'm *so not* afraid to use them.
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