First of all, he's way too young to be my doctor, which I think means I can officially say I am an adult. He's about thirty, which makes him my age range, and for some reason, that makes me nervous. I don't trust myself with a thermometer, so why the *hell* would I trust someone *my age* to decide what the hell to do with a sinus infection? I remember college, and I remember the pre-med guys on Saturday nights, 'kay? I want someone over fifty. Someone there is absolutely no possibility I got drunk with at any time during my experimental period at college, and absolutely no possibility my best friend slept with and I had to give coffee before kicking him out.
I mean, zero.
But this is what I got.
He did the exam thing, as when he finally came in, I was laying out on that extremely uncomfortable examining table, hoping against hope he'd just say, you're dying, here, let me sedate you so you can get some sleep before the great hereafter. But really, when has my luck been anywhere near that good? The saddest part is, I almost fell asleep lying there, becaue it was cool, dry, and for the first time in days, I couldn't smell anything vaguely floral. If I'd been able to *breathe*, I'm sure I would have been embarassed, but I ran out of humiliation around the time I had to explain all the body fluid issues I was having thanks to this horror. So I stared at him dumbly and wracked my brains for bad jokes to lessen the nightmare.
He was kind enough to laugh, but unfortunately, he took my entire "let me die now" as the joke. Dammit.
Anyway, he kicked up my antibiotics to what I'd lovingly describe as small bowling balls and issued me a steriod called prednisone, which is basically my last faint hope of enjoying life, the great outdoors, and clear breathing again.
Which I was *all for*, you know, but then the stupid idea that patients should be aware of the side effects thing suddenly kicked in and the bastard turned out to be ethical.
Him: There's some side effects.
Me: Mmm hmm.
Him: You might have some insomnia.
Me: Welcome to my life.
Him: *laughs politely* Also, a little nausea.
Him: If you begin to throw up blood, however, call me immediately.
Him: Also a little dizziness. However, if you pass out, call me immediately.
Me: Pass out?
Him: Also can cause mood swings--you may find yourself crying one second and just overjoyed the next for no reason.
Me: How will I distinguish this from my normal behavior?
Him: *more polite laughter. Poor man.* But if it becomes too severe, go to the ER and discontinue use. Also eat a meal before you take this.
Him: This can cause your stomach to bleed. And here's a handy reference sheet to explain the other possible side effects. I hope you feel better soon, Jennifer.
Of course, the pharmacist gave me the OTHER fact sheet, with a laundry list of how many millions of ways this can slowly cause me to wish I'd never been born.
Yay health officials.
But as everyone can see, I'm an optimist. I've heard meteors can hit unexpectedly and destroy all life, and so you know, there's always hope.
*****Reasons to Live
After sleeping half the day away, fighting with everyone that held still long enough to ask how I was, and generally creating a climate of unrelenting hostility that I am sure is going to pretty much fuck up any possible decent eulogy anyone will ever write for me, I ducked away to drown myself in SV and QaF vids and fics.
1.) Brian, naked. Like sisabet
says, the man gives and *gives*
2.) Lex, naked. Unfortunately, not canonically, but with any kind of decent luck, someone will catch MR skinny dipping and sell the photos to whatever degenerate magazine takes those so I can buy them and obsess over them in the privacy of my home. What the HELL happened to the evil papparazzi anyway? They are totally falling behind here.
3.) Hershey's Hugs. I ate--too many. Let's leave it at that.
4.) I weigh one forty-eight, which is so good for my ego you have no idea.
5.) Provided I survive, meeting Bethy for five days of absolute nothing on a beach in two weeks. I have every intention of making her help me stalk any male worth the effort of shaving my legs for.
6.) The sheer joy of baiting my sister with pictures from her pregnancy when her ankles swelled up.
7.) Child telling everyone about Jesus Christ Brian and how Lex will rule the world. I *love* this kid.
8.) The survival of the hermit crabs, despite a jail break leading to a house-wide search for teh little fuckers. In the bathroom, by the way. Living rocks with feet, I tell you.
9.) Mint chocolate cheesecake.
10.) I still fit into my cheerleading uniform and am considering it as a Halloween costume. Because I really, really am pathetic. Anyone know where I can pick up some discount pom-poms?
/drama queen day