We are now in the Christmas Season, I suppose, and forsooth, bombarded by promises of faux Louis Something handbags and Rolexes.
When I say bombarded, I mean, blitzkrieg here. Rolex is now a trigger word in my spam blocker. Well, so are a lot of male erection drugs, but I'm used to that.
It's not eggplant. If I was going for a food related color, I'd say a really eery irridescent black cherry with a sheen of red plum. It's *dark*. I mean, I look at it and flashback to those unfortunate black dye jobs of my misspent--middle twenties.
I look like a corpse, but less lively.
I am a figure of tragedy.
Coworker M quit Friday, after being told she'd be put on levels. There is no way to explain why levels are bad, because they sound okay. It's a way of saying 'you are not donig your best job and we are giving you this much time to fix it' but it's actually fast-track to being fired and then being ineligible to be rehired. When we were just one state agency, DHS, not so bad. We are now HHSC, seven agencies compressed to one. So if you get fired on levels, you are fucked for half the state jobs. So she quit. C, my Worker IV, unexpectedly took two weeks off. This is a *really bad sign*. Missy is at TANF training, the thing they refused to let me go to. I'm really, really wishing I was there, and not sitting at my desk, with pretty much everyone I like gone, surrounded by empty offices.
In other words, I am going to be *very pathetic* until November 15th, when Missy comes back.
It's--I don't know. Probably everyone here has worked corporate or state or some type of organization where you don't like your supervisor. I'm scared of mine. And not in a metaphorical sense. She was, I think, convinced C and M were plotting against her, and basically, she retaliated. She started picking and criticizing adn looking for mistakes, adn this is an understaffed state office. There are going to be mistakes. There is no possible way there won't be mistakes. There is no way to get around being behind on things, because no matter what, that is going to happen.
So. She scares me. M told me I had less to worry about, since my mother has been in DHS for eons and knows half of everyone, and this is the first time I will honestly say that a certain amount of nepotism does not offend my delicate sensibilities. I think M is wrong, though. I think if my supervisor gets it into her head that I'm doing something behind her back that threatens her, she will find new and creative ways to make my life hard. And the honest to God truth is, right now, I'm still not good at this job. It shows. I still make werid mistakes and stumble and do ridiculous things, and that's kind of par for the course, since I'm a trainee and the new computer system doesn't actually work all the time. It's also me--what I'm doing isn't natural to me. I mean, the interviewing is not a problem, but the level of ultra-organization, the sheer amount of federal and state law I have to know instinctively, just isn't there yet and isn't going to be for a while. She can call fault on me for a *lot* of things, and she'd be in the right on every complaint. But she'd be holding me to a standard she does not hold any other trainee or worker to, and that bothers me.
And--it pisses me off.
This is my idealistic high horse of what the *fuck*. I mean, I'm not sitting around, consolidating my power base in the great corporate ladder or future high positions. And I feel ridiculous even saying this, but frankly, I'm acutally not here for the money, or just for the money, though money is very nice. I'm doing this to *help*. When I think of what I wnat to do, it doesn't come down to, I want a job that pays more so I can have more power, jsut for power, or more money so I can buy a really great house. Every time I think of jobs that promote up the hierarchy, I think, and this is insane, if I do this job, can I do it better, in a way that will benefit the people who come to us for help? Am I capable of that, are my skills in line for doing something that will make this *better*?
I don't know how to phrase this, but when I'm surrounded by the drama, I get pissed, because it's like what we're supposed to be doing, what we are supposed to *be*, is secondary to one-upmanship and all this freakish maneuvering. It's not like I didn't know this was what life was going to be like. I know. It's not even that it's unexpected, because really, it's not; people don't surprise me. I just hate when I see people fail to at least try to be better. When they cater to the lowest parts of themselves. I'm not asking people to go out and save the world. I don't even expect that, I really don't even expect that they would want to anymore. But I kind of wish I *could*--I want to know that they look on this as not just a job, but a way to even out the world a little, fix one thing that they *can* fix. We can't do anything about most of what goes wrong in our clients' lives, but we *can* do this, and I think being able to do that is--sometimes amazing.
You know, I've got to get over this frustration eventually. Gah.
THursday. I will be on a plane Thursday. This is so unbelievably exciting I'm actually getting worried I'm going to contract some disease at the last minute and can't go.
Finding zen with coffee. Always good.