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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


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seperis
To misskatherine - mea culpa. You win. That is the most depressing song ever. Ask me for Acid, though. This could be the single most depressing playlist in history.

Work

Today at the end of class, we all sat around telling driving stories, as our instructor has been in defensive driving. Mostly who ran into what when and how big it was.

That sounds so much more porny than it really was. *sighs* I've been a porn writer too long.

Top Five, in no particular order:

1.) Birds
2.) Dogs
3.) Deer (responsible for nine deaths a year, no less)
4.) Cats
5.) Vultures

Yeah, vultures. Exactly twenty percent of my class has, in fact, had a head-on collision with a vulture. I don't know the Vegas odds on that. I don't *want* to know the odds on that. Because that just sounds--yeah.

A vulture.

I aspire to have a boring driving record, so I could not contribute to the proceedings, much to my dismay. How sad. But my, did I get a kick out of this.

I'll tell you a story.



Once upon a time, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, Bill Gates didn't exist, and people drove really large, Batman-like cars on a daily basis, a Very Young Woman and her friend went for a drive through the deep, dark woods.

Whilst they drove, speaking of we know not what, but probably how glad they'd be when that entire equality thing kicked into gear and they could get out of their corsets, a something in the road. Very Young Lady gave a very unlady-like squawk, believing she'd hit A Fellow Human Being. She was all for crawling out of the car and giving aid to the tragically dead. Because man, at the speed they were going? We're not talking a single intact body here.

Other Lady, being more practical, checked the odometer, measured the likelihood of all those really disturbing fairy tales about ladies out at night in the woods coming true against a dead and possibly dismembered body, and said, drive.

And so they did.

After many, many a mile, they arrived in a tiny, deserted town, where the local sheriff mocked them mightily for their fear of Things They Hit, and gleefully asked when the poor dears had had their misadventure, doubtless believing that they'd merely run over a kitty out on a night stroll.

"22.8 ,miles back," says Other Lady, because see, she'd looked at the odometer.

I like her. A lot.

Anyway, Very Young Lady and Other Lady led Sheriff to the front of their car, where indeedy, there was much mushed-in and blood and--yes, there it was--hair.

Quickly, they drove back down the long, dark, deserted road, surrounded by swaying trees and pretty much believing indictment for felony manslaughter loomed close in their future. Once back, the Sheriff ponderously climbed out and looked about, and when Very Young Lady started to emerge as well, Other Lady lay a hand over hers and said, "No. Wait."

No, Wait, proved to be Defining Words, as the Sheriff let out a muffled yell and brought out his gun and shot at something in the dark.

Other Lady was *right*.

A Very Large Bear lay dead near the side of the road, wounded by car misadventure and dead by bullet, about to charge the car again.

the end



Recs

annaface wrote a lovely fic The Tugging Sound, post season three B/J, Brian POV. Slumber party. Just go with it. You'll be glad you did.

*happy*

emrinalexander has two new installments to Josiah, here and here. On the cuteness. I love this story.

See, this is a good day.

I'm curious. Can anyone beat a *bear* for obscure animals to roadkill?


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(Deleted comment)
Okay, that *is* creepy. Ewww. And also, makes me suspect some future-serial-killer kid thing going on there.

*shivers*

I've either been the driver or a passenger for the tragic death of several snapping turtles and a wildcat. I don't know that those are obscure.

Oh, and also a chicken.

*giggles* Wildcat? Really?

Though the chicken...I have the worst impulse to do a why did the chicken cross the road joke now....

*grins*

My mom never ran into a vulture, but they did use to roost outside our house.

No, like, full-fledged roosting. I live in front of forty-eight acres of woods, yet these birds lived in the trees closest to our house. My dad usually counted between ten and twenty, but sometimes we'd have up to thirty enormous vultures, sitting twenty feet away from the house.

My life's weird sometimes.

*blinks*

*several times*

That's--wow. I--

*blinks again*

Twenty vultures?

I'll see your bear, and raise you a suicidal monkey. ;)

*dies*

Tell me the story! Please????? I *have* to hear this one.

Hee hee. sure.

Down in south florida, my grandparents live near the airport. Now Florida airports tend to move a lot of exotic animals through - legally, illegally - who knows. Some have, over the years, escaped.

In the trees around their small retiree neighborhood there is a traveling clan of monkeys. Seriously. Monkeys in florida. Spider monkeys. They make a TON of noise at night and you can literaly hear these monkeys howling. (Which led me to believe they were Howler monkeys, but I think they're spiders.)

Anyway, I was maybe seventeen and had only had my license a year. We road tripped down to see my grandparents and my parents let me drive the last leg. It was late at night and they were both dozing.

I'm maybe five minutes from the house when suddenly I see this BLURR run across the road. I turn my head to see what it was - and the damn thing turns around and runs back. I hit the brakes and almost manage to miss it - just as the stupid thing runs under the tire. To this day I swear it had just had some torrid break up with a girl monkey and had decided to end it all under the wheel of our atrociously blue minivan.

So - dead monkey. Crying teenage, monkeys in nearby trees howling for venegeance. (though they may have been cheering him on, or mourning him, or discussing cheese. I haven't a clue.) And my parents wake up, ask what happened, and then proceed to crack up because the first thing I did was sob that I KILLED A BABY MONKEY!!

Traumatized for life I tell you.

Now isn't that more than you needed to know? ;)

Just to make it that much sadder? The singer died of cancer in 1995 and didn't get to really experience her own fame. ::sob::

You are *really* mean.

*sniffles*

Heh. Your top five didn't have any of what is most common in my neck of the woods(Northern New Brunswick); raccoons, skunks and porcupine(there's an old joke that says that if you're ever lost in the woods, and come across a porcupine, follow it, cuz it's probably looking for a highway so it can get run over :D). And moose. Big motherfucking moose.

The vulture thing, that is too damn weird. Can't think of any stranger roadkill that that.

MOOSE?

*boggles*

That--wow.

*Moose*.

Moose are a hazard around these parts in the summer. They run onto the roads and highways trying to get away from the bugs. There are sighs warning about them all over the place. And yeah people get killed because of collisions with moose.

I used to show horses a lot, and coming back at night, we've had a few close encounters with those big mothers suddenly appearing in front of our vehicle. Just trying to avoid hitting one of those suckers when driving a car or a truck is scary. While pulling a four-horse trailer, it's a fucking nightmare. Lucky for us, we never did hit one. The closest call we had was with a moose that had already been hit. It was sitting in the middle of the road with a broken back, dragging itself all over the place. The car that hit was totaled.

Another time, we almost got hit by an incoming car that had swerved into our path to miss a moose. My dad damn near went in the ditch to avoid the car. Good thing our highways have very wide road-side.

When horse-fly season comes around, it's drivers beware. It's ironic how much trouble people go through to find moose during hunting season, when for about two months during summer, all we want, is to be able to avoid them.

I killed a turtle once. Couple of muskrats, too. Oh, and a snake.

Funniest roadkill story I ever heard was this (though I doubt it was funny for the bird):

A guy I went to college with said that a bird flew into his windshield in the rain. Its feet got stuck under the moving wiper blade, and so until he could manage to pull over, in his state of panic, the bird got wiped up and down over the glass in a brisk motion. It was not happy.

*laughs* Oh, the poor bird! *giggles*

Though man, fun to watch. God, I'm evil.

The first time he told me, I was stoned and I thought I was going to break a rib laughing. So cruel.

Well, I'll see you your bear; my brother's exgirlfriend once hit a bear coming back from the lake (meaning their summer cottage) with a small pick-up truck. The truck was totalled... the bear got up and walked away (granted, it probably keeled over in the woods shortly thereafter).

I'll raise you the duck that flew into our windshield when I was a kid, the kangaroo we mostly-sorta-kinda missed (caught just the tail, which is all muscle, so it was probably bruised but all right), the emu that ran into *us* (we pretty much managed to stop the car, but the stupid thing hit us anyway), and the baby wallaby hopping after it's mother. My sister, her baby in the back seat, was extremely upset about that last one. I'm clearly cold-hearted, because I was more worried about a possible dent in our rented SUV (we convinced them it was there when we got it *g*).

Okay, you totally win on the roadkill stories. That is just--

*blinks*

A kangaroo, a wallaby, a duck, AND an emu.

*still blinking*

I'm going to giggle myself sick now.

Okay, you totally win on the roadkill stories.

Um... yay?

A kangaroo, a wallaby, a duck, AND an emu.

That sounds like the beginning of a *very* bad joke.

*happy you liked the fic!*

I don't drive cos I can't tell my left from right, but once when I was ten, I went to China to visit my ancestors and blah for a months, and one evening before dinner, one of the crazy ass China relatives dragged me to the kitchen where she is preparing dinner and went, "Want to see a magic trick?" Being young and naive, I'm like, "Sure!" So she promptly produced a turtle out of nowhere and chopped off its head. "See, it can still scream when its beheaded!" she said, pointing at the detached turtle head with its mouth opening and shutting like in a silent scream. That, is my childhood trauma. :((

*eg* I avoid driving, because I'm pretty sure it's my destiny to die in a fifteen car pile-up that I caused. Hence, minimal driving.

So she promptly produced a turtle out of nowhere and chopped off its head. "See, it can still scream when its beheaded!" she said, pointing at the detached turtle head with its mouth opening and shutting like in a silent scream. That, is my childhood trauma.

....

I think you just traumatized me, too.

I need to lie down and not dream of beheaded screaming turtles.

*worries about sleep*

It's not my story, but my friend was driving on a dark country road in the middle of the night, and hit something.

They stopped, reversed, opened the door and looked at the road.

A chicken.

A chicken, in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.

The joke potential of that need not be elaborated upon, I think.

*laughs* Man. That is *so* a joke in teh making!

That is the most depressing song ever.

Which song is that?

Fields of Gold, covered by Eva Cassidy. Man, every song I've heard her do goes to the boxcutter-and-aspiring-in-a-bathtub list.

Remind me to tell you the story about Shatner and the roadkill skunk some time. But vultures, no surprise -- they're scavengers, so they tend to cluster around prior car victims to feed and then another car comes along while they're eating...

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