But right. Just a rhetorical question--I've ran into a problem I've actually never had before at this length. What *do* you do when you can't or don't even want to write?
And it is. It's like when I quit smoking this one time, where my hand felt all empty and my soul had been leeched out of my body and I started writing about Clark being beaten while hanging from the ceiling--yes, *that* one. But not in a good, creative, kind of creepy-jenn way (I swear, that story is why people stopped talking to me on AIM for a bit there), but in a dull, lifeless, ah, look, a word processing document that I have no intention of using for anything way.
Frankly, I feel less like me by the second, which leaves me with wondering where me is. Possibly vacationing in Barbados. I have several theories on this--the writing thing, not the Barbados thing.
a.) I have burned out every bit of my ability to tell a story and shall join the ranks of the non-writers and read-only. This kind of falls down a bit when I remember I have two RPS stories that have about seventy-something pages between them, not even counting the twenty I added to Stumble and Fall and five to How It's Gonna Be or--yeah. I mean, they aren't up to what i consider my best work, but they do in a pinch. Which takes me to b.
b.) I have lost the ability to focus enough to *finish* something.
c.) I lost my nerve.
d.) Bodysnatchers. I saw the movie. These people had no idea they were actually snatched. I mean, they *thought they were real*.
C appeals to me least, which is why I have a bad feeling that it's the problem, or a part of it.
There's like, a certain sense of invulnerability that you really do have to have to post a fic to the general public--or to write something you're not at all sure of. Or something like that. I'm actually--I kid you not--scared to *post* anything. And not even for a good reason. No one flames me, everyone who wanders through my journal is on the high end of the nice scale, and in general, at this point, after two hundred something stories, I really don't have a reason to be scared, but I *am*. And it's unreasonable. It's like my claustrophobia--I could not tell you why I am convinced I will go crazy, suffocate, and die if I'm stuck in a windowless, tiny space, but there we go.
So, using my handy google, I looked this up.
exscribophobia - fear of writing
Feel free to correct me. Apparently, writing on a wax tablet can be a different word entirely. I picked the prettiest.
And. I. Don't. Know. Why.
*mulls* It could be my job. Everyone I asked amongst my RL friends, carefully phrasing it so as to not explain what the hell I'm talking about, says it's the stress. Because Stress is Bad. And new job, training, other RL things that are pressuring me, could be just doing their thing to my head.
Except usually, when under stress, I write *more*. It's how I vent, and relax, and also, indulge my pretty-boy fantasy life. Then I thought it could be my allergy meds and some other things I was taking, and went cold on all of them. But no. Then I just thought, hmm. What is bothering me so *much*?
Nerve. That--inner belief in what you write, no matter how bizarre. I mean, in no other way could anyone pull off some storylines. Let's face it, *mpreg*, but here we go, a viable genre, and an occasionally *hysterical* genre. I don't believe there are any *bad* storylines. Though QaF has convinced me that some should be handled only with a license and approval by the fandom at large, but still.
So now I'm all curious. Does this happen to anyone else? Do you suddenly and inexplicably lose your nerve? And what do you do about it?
I'm just full of dumb questions tonight. Feel free to ignore while I bathe in rhiannonhero's fic goodness.