?

Log in

No account? Create an account

The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


Previous Entry Share Next Entry
why wario will destroy the world
moody cow
seperis
Last day at work. Off to training. I wish I could say something profound happened, something that made me see this is my True Path, or even that a fight broke out in teh lobby and I got to place bets, but unfortunately, it was a long, slow day. I cleaned out my desk, fit my worklife into a box, and FormerStalkerGuy took it out for me. People expressed amazement that this was my last day.

Partially because I really didn't talk about it. My supervisor was surprised. I would have told her if she'd asked.

Profound Moment

The profound thing happened Sunday night, at which time I braved Warioworld with Child, as he was having Issues with the Two Headed Dragon of Ultimate Stupidity that kicked my ass repeatedly.

This is what I've learned. It's not good.

When I fall into the money-eating pit, I sound like a ten cent whore with language issues and poor impulse control. I had no idea I was capable of that kind of invective, but the sheer level sent those who overheard me screaming it at the television into some really unbecoming hysterics. Child collapsed on the floor, laughing so hard he was crying, and I'd have been so ashamed and horrified with myself if the *censored* ghosts weren't *censored* squeezing out every *censored* *censored* red cent I *censored* earned levels before so I could buy more *censored* *censored* *censored* life to *censored* kill the *censored* *censored* *censored* *censored* two headed dragon.

*CENSORED*

It sounded kinda like that, but with words.

Also, I fell into it eight times.

I love my spam headers. They have taught me many a nifty saying for times like that.

Apparently, I was shouting near the end for the ghosts to keep their filthy hands off my money. But I was more creative. I called into question parentage and sexual habits of both ghosts, for being so greedy, and Wario, for being such a moron as to fall, when my fingers had obviously done all the right things in keeping him from falling.

I yelled at Wario a *lot*. One might say, I didn't stop for long periods of time.

For the record, I didn't know I knew all those words. According to not-so-innocent onlookers, I was yelling extremely limited Spanish and my one true Finnish bit at the television near the end, but I don't consider them reliable, since they were kind of loud with all the laughing and falling on the floor. Hell, for all I know, I was speaking in tongues. I went in with two thousand, left with a thousand. I challenge *anyone* to deal with that maturely.

And you have *no* idea what annoying little digital lizardish things I had to fight to get that money.

In the end, though, I killed the two headed dragon, and I capered, because that bastard was dead and I got the key to something, though I have no idea what it is. But he was dead and I was happy, and this, this is how the cavepeople felt when they brought down the brontasaurus (don't fuck with me about dinosaurs not being around during cavepeople days, *I* have a public school education and I watched the Flintstones). All hanging around their campfires and doing their painting on the walls and random spontaneous sex (we were hygenic cavepeople as well. Again, Flintstones? Right, the water came *out* of a snout, but it was clean) and I guess made houses out of the bones or something. I'm not so sure exactly, but I know it was just like that.

I got off subject.

Here's the other thing I learned from Warioworld.

Ice? Cliffs? Are created by people who have no souls. None. No one with a soul would make cliffs with icy slopes that are impossible by any human means to climb unless you are actually capable of hitting four diametrically opposed buttons all at once. I ignore the fact that Child can do this, since watching him play, I've begun to feel doubt about his actual humanity and all. Because, let's all face it, his fingers are shorter than mine, I have better fine motor control, and yet, I fall and he *doesn't*. Let's just mull that one, okay?

And when you fall off the icy cliff?

Money-stealing bastards.

That's all I have to say about this subject.

Stumble and Fall

If this story doesn't come together, I'm going to kill Justin. I mean, it would solve everything, and also, be easy. Daphne's due date, he can get run over by a bus headed for Las Vegas carrying octogenian PFLAG members going to live it up on the strip. We will have a long, long, long, emotional scene in which Brian, who will be high because, well, he's always high during profound moments, will, in a fit of passion, name the child Justin Taylor Kinney and everyone will break into a musical number with Celine Dion singing My Heart Will Go On, and I will then cut my wrists and just die, because the day I do that, I know I will no longer have a reason to live, as I will be among the soulless ones, making icy mountains for Wario to climb and die on and then fall into money-eating pits and cast doubt on the humanity of Child. Bastard Wario and his not-climbing ass.

That's the plan. Right there.

And don't *even* try to stop me. I have a keyboard and a GameCube and a complete set of bodice ripper romance novels and a scary number of pop MP3s and I'm *so not* afraid to use them.


  • 1
Word of advice - Avoid Monkey Ball

"OH just go for it, you can't fall off there, there are rails..." As I go flying out into space, stupid Monkey screaming all the way and evil boy twins shrieking in hysterics.

I have a level of bitterness toward the creators of these video games that is even greater than my love of Brian.

I had no idea that was even *possible*.

And children who watch and mock? Say, like Child? Are obviously sent here to drive us insane.

I'm going to go get my Justin's Death playlist, that Brian will cry over like a baby at Justin's funeral, that everyone will attend, even Ethan, who will play a beautiful solo and he and Brian will have long, angsty, but strangely meaingful sex.

*clutches playlist close*

Yeah. I'm kinda unbalanced right now.

Funniest. Story. Ever.

Yep. I think that definitely needs to go in the memories...

The books get it all wrong. They warn us about the violence, but *no one* told me shit about icy cliffs and money-stealing ghost bastards. I couldn't just pull out a gun and shoot them either, and that makes me bitter. Oh so bitter.

I want to sue someone. I don't know who. Possibly the soulless minions. I'm still thinking.


Jenn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you read Annie Proulx's short story "Brokeback Mountain?" Because OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!! She takes us to school. Us who? Slashers. This woman can WRITE. If you haven't read it, you must. It's in her collection _Close Range_. Please, please, please check it out, and tell me what you think.

*hugs* (I wrote "huts" first. Hee!)

And that's a hell of an update to the SV Slash part of your recs page. How'd I miss it? Thanks for links to all kinds of brilliance I'd missed.
D.

You know they're making a film of that right?

Video games are....well, they can suck your soul out if you let them. Which do, all too frequently. ;-)

*learnign this*

It's kind of terrifying. Part of me was sure I was too old to get addicted, and sadly, that is not the case.

Zelda looks *good*.


Sorry that I can't comment on video games. I was born without thumbs so I cannot hold the controls right. Well, okay, I have thumbs, but I need an excuse for how much I suck at video games.

I went to read the latest of Stumble and Fall (thank you for that), and followed the link to your other fics. Smallville. Hm..never seen it, kinda heard of it. Well, if it's got boy-sex, I'm interested.

*click*

OMG. Instant addict. I must see this show now if I have to rent, buy or steal it.

I only hope that Lex is as delicious in canon as he is in your fic.

Man, just *wait* until you read the great stuff in SV. It's unbelievable. Te and Rivka and Liv and Beth and Sarah T and Pru and Hope and Zahra and I could go on for freaking *ever*.

*nudge* My rec page. The pretty on SV never ends. *happy memories*

Oh man. I just laughed harder than I have all week. Now I am fixated with Brian drunkenly singing My Heart Will Go On.

Damn you!

And dude, how'd you know threatening us with pop mp3s and bodice ripper romance novels will give me nightmares? Your knowledge of the human psyche is disturbing and scary.

:p



When one downloads songs one is ashamed to admit one has ever even heard of, it's time to admit there is a problem.

*G*

I was talking to Joss and I think the ending should involve a violin solo by Ethan, that Brian can cry over as well, adn then long, tender, angsty, meaningful sex and more crying.

*grins* I'm actually going insane now. Stupid Wario.

Oh, man, this post had me laughing my ass off.

Right up until you threatened to kill Justin.

::narrows eyes::

And then in the comments I saw you're thinking about B/E sex.

::narrows eyes more::

I'll see your pop and your bodice rippers, and raise you John Denver and....

Huh. I really can't think of anything worse than bodice rippers. The Anita Blake novels, maybe? Only probably not, because they're still genre and there's almost gay sex (and maybe actual gay sex, I stopped reading before I got very far). Hmm, this may call for something drastic, like Tom Clancy (bodice rippers for gun enthusiasts).

It'll be meaningful B/E sex. And all about Justin. It'll be like a threesome with Justin, except Justin is dead and necrophilia is really gross, so okay, not so much, but he'll be there in spirit and all. With musical score to accompany it, even. And crying. Lots and lots of tender crying and cuddling.

They will get married and Lindsay will have another baby for them and they'll name it Justina. And other stuff will happen, like Joss says they'll adopt Claire's kids and Hunter and Gus and have a big, happy family.

Big. And. Happy. With violin solos. Lots of them.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm laughing so hard, my ribs might break. If that happens, I'm sending you the bill.

All in all, a giggle-worthy entry.

  • 1