Seperis (seperis) wrote,

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disturbing thoughts on ethan

LJ is being werid with the comment function AND the posting thing. Grr. Take two.

See, I am *so* behind, and honestly, wouldn't have been writing this at all except a.) internet down for upgrading and b.) (related to a) watched QaF vids and seaon three, post ep seven. (also got through three entire eps of QaFUK, so pleased, but kinda shell shocked by the experience).

But that's neither here nor there. I'll just say that rhiannonhero's Acid and Keely's Safe and Sound are like, the definitive "I need to hurt Justin" vids. Because they always, always make me want to strangle him with something unsexy, like a, I don't know, shoestring or something.

It always depresses me to say that I don't love Justin best, mostly because intellectually, I'm aware I'm being really unfair to the little champ, you know? I can be honest and say that should I ever have an unboyfriend such as Brian, he'd have possibly been strangled in his sleep. You know, when I had the energy, what with all the fucking we'd be doing. Because if I had an unboyfriend that looked like Brian, really, I wouldn't want to leave bed all that often. Or the shower, desk, chair, table, get the idea.

Luckily, Acid and Safe and Sound always make me feel justified, if I ignore the entire first season and the beginning of the second, which I can do very easily, every time I see poor Brian wandering around looking both unsurprised and lost. Like, yeah, saw this one coming a mile away, and the best he'd hoped for was that when it hit, he'd be ready and knowing he never would be.

Then I started watching Ethan and this horrible, terrifying thing occurred. I felt *bad* for him.

I mean, I really, really want to strangle Justin. I mean, Brian aside, though that might be enough, watching Ethan, aware of every time Justin's betrayed him and just going with it anyway.

Someone in their LJ or in Rhiannon's LJ, can't remember which, said that it made her aware of how Justin was fucking Brian and Ethan both over during the end of season two, not just fucking them both. Which was a really good way to put it, sadly enough.

See, I had this weird thought that Justin wasn't really cheating on Brian nearly as much as he was spending a lot of quality time and energy cheating on Ethan.

Okay, let me explain my thoughts here.

According to Justin, interpretable canon, and pretty much everyone who watches the show that I've talked to, Justin had a single unified reason for taking up with Ethan--he thought Brian didn't love him. This wasn't some complex web of reasoning, combining tricking and Brian being an ass and etc--it was, Brian did not love him, was staying out of guilt and so forth. Not that the other stuff helped, but it was more evidence of that fact, not in itself a reason alone. He got a crush on Ethan, fucked him, liked how good Ethan made him feel about himself (understandable in the extreme), was assured of love and devotion from Ethan, and kept him around for the emotional support, while staying with Brian because he was in love with him.

I go with crush here, and for a lot of OTP reasons, but also for one important reason--I have to believe that, or Justin's behavior through the entirety of the end of season two is unforgiveable. Not just that he put someone through the emotional wringer of using them like an emotional leech (I can see that, considering the state Justin was in. Again, really understandable, considering Brian's about as warm and fuzzy as a log most of the time.), but that he did that to someone he actually genuinely loved, that he was *willing* to do to someone he loved, and for a pretty good length of time. I just don't see that kind of cruelty in Justin. And I think (hope), that if it was genuine, true love, he would have left Brian a lot earlier. That he did it to someone who he knew loved him...that's bad enough. Add the other bit in, and it gives me hives.

I mean, look at this from Ethan's POV, short version. He fell in love with this smart, sweet, sensitive artist, who had an indifferent sort-of boyfriend. Who had been through Trauma in the near-past. Who had all these esteem issues. He was like walking wounded. Who the hell could really resist that, especially after being told how great he was? He fell fast. And he was told how *horrible* Boyfriend-Guy was, and how much better he was, and how Justin loved him and wanted to be with him forever and ever and with cats, even. And had some really, really great sex (come on, this is *Justin*, partially raised and completely trained by Brian Kinney. The boy is fantastic in his sleep, probably.). Told all these things about how Justin wanted someone who committed and wanted picket fences and monogamy and True Love Forever, you know, right up until Justin gets dressed and walks out to go back to Boyfriend-Guy.

That just cannot, on any level, be good for your image of yourself. Or for your self-worth.

After a painfully protracted period, in which Justin spends huge amounts of time finding reasons *not* to leave Brian and still somehow keep Ethan around, Justin finally breaks it off with Brian, in a weird, passive-aggressive sort of way, and then domestic bliss settles, in which Ethan ignores the fact that he was kinda defaulted into the New Boyfriend role by circumstance. And you know, he got some good time out of it. And he got this emotionally wounded Justin, just begging for someone to take care of him and make him feel worthy, and I swear, I hear "Bring Me Back to Life" just playing in the background the entire time here. At least, in Ethan's head. And we have season three start, in which everything is smarm and lovely and oh-the-nauseating-cuteness (I could have told Ethan that it's always like that right before Something Crappy Happens in Justinworld), and then comes The Contract, in which there are closets to hide in. And Brian's entire run-in with the police, in which Justin rushes out to save Brian, and huh, Ethan thinks, scratching his head.

Then Ethan cheats, for [insert your reason here]. Justin throws fit, leaves, picks up a trick, and the thing is? Ethan cheating isn't even the *issue*, and it shouldn't have been from teh start. Justin was looking twitchy for two or three eps by then. If ever a person overreacted, Justin did right then. Because you know, Ethan might have expected Justin to be upset about it. No one is really fond of being faced with former tricks bearing roses. Maybe no sex for a few days. And cooling-off time. Some fighting. And having to work up into that trust thing again, maybe. But dramatic tearing-of-roses, break-up, and walk-out, complete with the stripping of the ring and later, random sex? What. The. Hell. Because really, Ethan's *been* on the other side of this equation, been the Other Guy, and pot and kettle here. He says, you forgave Brian, but what he's actually saying is, I forgave *you*. *You*, for fucking me, using me, and telling me that you loved me for months and then going back to him every night. I forgave *you*, for coming to me smelling like him and tasting like him and telling me you wanted me forever right after you crawled out of his bed and right before you crawled back into it. I forgave *you* every night and every day and every time in-between. I waited and I waited and I hoped and I hoped and then I waited some more, for you, to get over it, to get over *him*, to make a you and me, an *us*, and what the *hell* is going on here?

So he's got three different possibilities to explain this behavior. One, Justin is just *that* unreasonable. Two, that Justin has, in fact, subconsciously been using him for months to rebuild his ego and get over everything that happened to him in bashing and with Brian and just wants an excuse to walk out, even if he can't admit it to himself. Or three, variate number two, Justin never stopped loving Brian, just needed someone not-Brian for a while, an experiment, a learning experience, and now he's got his feet back under him and just needs a reason to walk out and go back.

*frowns* I was a lot happier with Ethan-hate here. Grrr.
Tags: fandom: queer as folk
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