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The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation

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my relationship with food is fraught with selective amnesia
children of dune - leto 1
Case in point:

Wandering through Central Market looking for Candycots (where are they? IT IS TIME) and bubblegum grapes, and satisfied myself with brie, pretentious bread (because Central Market), apriums, champagne mangos, and cherries were back and oh.


When I was growing up, cherries weren't delicious, they were crappy at the local grocery store, tiny and hard and vaguely blandly sour. Then I grew up and lo, the grocery stores had the good ones, the plump dark red ones with a sheen that you'd happily sell your soul for a lifetime supply (or maybe that's just me), and just as importantly, these go on sale during the summer to the point where it's a crime not to buy them. We're on the leading edge, so they're still not hitting 'five pounds of cherries every time they enter our line of sight', but suffice to say, time to get started.

Which is fine, but I always forget you kind of have to pace yourself after months without them. And by "I forget" I mean no matter how many years I've spent on this earth, I forget every time the cardinal rule of 'do not fucking buy a pound of cherries and eat them half of them on the way home after a multi-month-long dry spell waiting for cherry season.'

Body: You sure about this, Sep?
Me: *sucking cherry off the seed* Fuck off.
Body: We'll talk later. Have fun with that.

Body: I told you so.
Me: *gets rest of cherries*
Body: ...you're kidding, right?
Me: *sucking cherry off the seed* Fuck off.

Repeat ad infinitum.

As I once realized to my horror, I could be the first documented case of someone killing themselves disgustingly with prunes, for given a bag of them, I will eat them all; given a warehouse, I won't survive and I pity the person who finds my body. I don't just like them; I will eat until they're gone or I am.

I have very selective and stupid fruit weaknesses. I can live without apples, most citrus, pears, whatever. But Turkish apricots (dried), bubblegum grapes, east Texas raspberries, blueberries, cherries, candycots, locally grown Texas peaches, cloudberries, figs, dates, currants, prunes, I treat like Schedule One drugs. I will walk over your body after stabbing you to get to them, and given an unlimited supply, I won't ever move again from my fruit paradise.

If I were a supervillian, this is how I'd be caught; the stupidest trap in the world baited with a fruit medley. Take me to Arkham, fine, but I got a metric ton of fruit to finish and I will cut you if you disturb me before I'm done. Throw in some fried plantains in the Arkham kitchen with honey mustard and honestly, I might not want to leave.

Candycots - they're as close as you can get in this world to processed sugar in fruity apricot form and what the gods really want while miserably chugging nectar and ambrosia. These are amazing, is what I'm saying, and in Texas, they're sold in ridiculous sets of twelve in plastic because wisely, Central Market with coffee bean bar get it yourself and leaves open containers of other, lesser fruits in the fruit section for snacking knows those Candycots would all be gone--all of them--in under fifteen minutes (if I'm there, five, after considerable bloodshed, for the Candycot gods sometimes require a sacrifice to prove your love).

I'm going to warn you now; if you taste these, think the White Witch and the disappointment of Turkish Delight. If she'd offered Edmund Candycots, everyone on earth would not only completely understand but approve of Edmund's actions because Candycots.

You won't recover from this, and nothing in your life will ever satisfy you like these will; you will spend the rest of your life vaguely unsatisfied with all things for you have seen perfection and what's the point: Monet, Picasso, David, Statue of Liberty, Taj Mahal, the Wonders of the World, nice, I guess, but does the taste of them make you believe for a moment you're a god on earth and all you see is your demesne? Does spacetime warp around you and you understand the perfection which man has strived for over endless generations; did they give you a glimpse of infinity in all its vastness?

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. <--Corinthians speaketh of Candycots.

You can't taste paint and rock, you say? So the answer is no.

And by the pound, they cost more than heroin, which is no surprise at all.

These go on sale in San Francisco at the Farmers market next weekend, and by the way, fuck you San Francisco.

...someone there send me some? Please?

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I do the same thing every year with concord grapes. They're only for sale for a tiny while, but I can get them local and fresh at the farmer's market by the giant basket. And I inevitably eat myself absolutely miserably sick on them, AND THEN DO IT AGAIN, because apparently when it comes to grapes I am actually a goldfish, memory-wise.

Fruit does this to people. We are a special tribe.

The house we currently live in has a cherry tree next to the garage. It produces loads of cherries, and the landlord told me to feel free to pick all I wanted. I got out the mixing bowl and filled it up and repeated this periodically until the season was done. The neighbors also came by with massive buckets and filled THOSE up. Unfortunately, none of us could reach the very top branches, and so I had to stare wistfully at clusters of big, ripe, tempting, delicious cherries that NOBODY COULD PICK for a while.

I'm not gonna miss a whole lot about living here, but I'm gonna miss the cherries. I should be able to get a couple of bowls in before we move this summer.

Can you imagine being highly allergic against all kinds of stone- or pomefruit? Any idea how misserable my life is?

You inspired me to go look for candycots, but even though I called in advance to ask if the store had them, when I got there the stockperson said they weren't in yet. =(
He was pretty upset about the person who told us wrong, so I will try not to hold a grudge.

I'll tell you if I agree they're nectar when I finally get ahold of one.

I love candycots. You can't get them on the east coast at all. The last time I was in San Francisco during the season, I literally ate myself sick, went to sleep, woke up, and immediately ate myself sick on them again. And then I drove to Modesto and went to an orchard.

I remember buying a huge bag of cherries in Oregon once, during a drive to California. My friend who was driving with me pointed out that the California border was barely thirty miles away, and we couldn't take the cherries into California. I told him that was no problem at all - and proceeded to eat five pounds of cherries (with a little help) in thirty miles.

Fruit people have weird problems.

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