The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation



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I really want to--I mean, I seriously every so often just drop all non-source related meta, but it's not even because I am just that committed to understanding all of this that I go back. Unlike many other hobbies I could have picked up, this one seems branded with a damn political statement and set of academic theories. Unlike knitting, participation itself has become a statement, so whether or not I interact with that side, I'm already a member, a research subject, and a living, breathing proof in the subculture.

I can go through days where I don't have to think of that, but then there's this and then there's kink_bingo being apparently a political project based on queer theory (quote), which--okay? I mean, basically, I'm an participant in academic theory just by existing and I don't understand what it is that's being theorized.

I feel selfish for resenting it--I get for acafen, this is their thing and I can't be a good person and grudge that when it doesn't even affect me. Most of the time, I don't, and most of the time, I keep serious levels of oblivion going on. And lots of it I enjoy following and thinking about. But then this happens, or something else, and it's just this reminder all over again I can't just post fic and hang with the meta without also participating in an entirely different world, where writing John as a girl is more than just saying, "I wonder if"--it's a statement or a message or something and I have to figure out what it means and what I meant to by it, because if I don't, people wiht advanced degrees will decide for me.

...I am so tired, seriously. Even I know I'm overreacting. Most of the time, it's awesome. It's just when I realize how very little power I have to define myself, or just skip a definition altogether, that it becomes this--thing.

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