The Toybox

people for the conservation of limited amounts of indignation


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slow plague death and a snippet
children of dune - leto 1
seperis
Day Three (Four?) of My Life as a Germ Depository:

Due to work rules, I have to go to the doctor today and get a note excusing me from work for having the plague. On the upside, there's no chest congestion, which is yay, as I have been a totally paranoid person and spending a lot of time coughing as much as possible to test this. For anyone who has had pneumonia and the doctor gave you a torture device to breathe with and then cough copiously, you remember this horror, but it's not nearly that bad. On the downside, head congestion is like walking around with lead sewn into my cheekbones and head and a headache that is like an analogy for the hugeness of the Titanic--or perhaps Australia?--and I have no intention of actually thinking up an adequate analogy so just deal.

So. Being miserable and sick, I want attention and basically, I will take it any way I can get it. Snippet below cut. It's a dumb snippet. But I am sick and it made me laugh myself into easy coughing fits to imagine it, so there you go. Dedicated to shinetheway for her life-saving porn ficlets. This is not porn. Which you will see, is the entire problem.



Efficient
by Seperis
Merlin/Arthur

Merlin's found, over time, that there's a relatively predictable pattern to Arthur's bad days, and all of them start with special, deeply familial midday meals with Uther and Morgana. Merlin doesn't even need to guess anymore; when the kitchen tells him they are setting three plates and they don't have visiting courtiers, Merlin knows he's doomed and plans accordingly.

Which is why he's ready, more or less, when he's summoned to Arthur's chambers at nearly midnight, because after the joy that was their afternoon together (fell off horse, fell over due to sword, fell down the stairs carrying armor; basically, Arthur's bad days are also Merlin's bruised days), their evening (he didn't have to duck a thrown dagger or a bottle of ale, but that's about all he can say for it), Arthur won't hesitate to let him escape any more prince/manservant bonding time for anything as ridiculous as sleep.

Merlin reserves the right to be an ass about it, though, pushing open the door and staring resentfully at Arthur, who is camped out in front of the hearth in nothing but his unlaced shirt and trousers, with three skins of wine and a wide, brilliant smile.

Predictable, yes. Merlin closes the door. "I'm not that funny when I'm drunk."

Arthur grins at him winningly. "Yes, you really are."

*****

This is how it goes wrong. Arthur blames society.

"Oh my God," Morgana says, and Arthur lifts his head and regards with no favor the swell of her chest only a few inches above his face. Morgana is not to be faced before breakfast. Or ever, really. "Arthur!"

Arthur reaches for a pillow and finds something terribly un-pillow-like. In fact, it feels a great deal like skin.

"I had--" Morgana, for a wonder, turns a hideous shade of red, backing up a step and actually stumbling. "How long?"

The skin-covered pillow moans and says, "Please, sire, next time, I'll do it without wine, I swear," and Arthur thinks Merlin and wine and fuck as Merlin rolls over and collapses across his back. Swallowing, Arthur tries to decide between vomiting and going back to sleep in hopes this is all a bad dream.

Hope wins. "Later, Morgana," Arthur manages with dignity intact, reaching for an (actual) pillow and covering his head, while Merlin's breath puffs against the back of his neck and he says, "Yes, later. Very sore now."

This cannot end well.

*****

Merlin wakes up to Arthur sitting up (naked) and staring at the floor (he's naked) with an expression somewhere between epic homicide and hilarity (while naked). This is never what anyone sane calls a good sign; Arthur lacks a reasonable sense of humor and finds the oddest and most inappropriate things amusing.

(But naked and Merlin admits, to himself if no one else, his own patience with Arthur grows in inverse proportion to how much he's wearing. Merlin's agreed to many terrifying things when Arthur's bathing. Many things.)

"Sire?" he starts, then realizes that the sheets feel so very good against his naked skin because he's naked as well. Closing his eyes, Merlin reaches for a pillow and covers his head. "Later?"

Arthur drops back on the bed beside him and nearly crawls under him with a sigh. "Yes, please."

*****

Here's what they know: they did not have sex. But no one will ever believe it.

"Merlin, you can't stay in here forever," Arthur argues, though his heart's not in it. Staring at the sun (well above the horizon, which will only add to the entire horror), Arthur stares hatefully at the wineskins and thinks of horrible purges of winesellers throughout the world for their foul discovery of what happens when grapes sit too long in large casks.

"I'm not going out there again," Merlin states, stealing half of Arthur's very late breakfast with the shell-shocked look of someone who was questioned gently about consent and willingness by Morgana for an entire hour in the dining hall and then even more gently questioned by Gaius on whether Arthur had been--had been-- "I can't face another inquiry on my virtue, Arthur. It's not happening. It's not."

Arthur sighs and picks at the bread and cheese and says, "Gaius asked me if I was gentle," Arthur says, staring at the wall. "After you ran away. And if there was bleeding."

Merlin says, "Why isn't there a purge of winesellers?"

"They're next."

Merlin drops his head on the table. "No one will ever believe us. Ever."

Arthur picks up a knife and wonders if falling on it would be such a bad idea. "My father did compliment me on the efficiency of using my staff for dual purposes," Arthur says, and this time, he doesn't even feel like crying. "One who cannot get pregnant."

Merlin lifts his head miserably. "Gwen complimented me on bagging a prince."

Arthur nods thoughtfully. "More wine?"

Merlin nods gratefully. "Please, yes."

*****

Which is how the entire rumor started. How it became true...well, that's a different story entirely.



shinetheway and I are snippeting here on what happens next. Feel free to add if you wish. And no, this is not a desperate and transparent plea for entertainment for the afternoon. Except you know, it totally is.

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Oh, gods, this a wonderful, morning fare!

Yum-yum!

Hee, this is so hilarious. Of course no one would believe them (because they'd been waiting forever for that to happen).

Exactly! Who would believe it? They are only surprised it wasn't happening already.

Oh my god.

[grabs story and runs away and won't share it with ANYONE ever because it's mine mine mine and it's WONDERFUL!!]

Oh, this is lovely. I just want to cuddle it and pet it and call it George. Because awwwwwwwww! and [snicker] and poor little non-sexed-up boys with their hangovers.

[snuggles] Want more comment-fic tonday, honey? :)

*falls over* It's just all going to go tragically wrong, you know? And everyone is like "Merlin is the mistress of the prince!" and Merlin thinks that he should damn well have some benefits to go with that. And Morgana keeps giving relationship advice. It's all very tragic and funny.

And yes please! You can use this snippet if you want, or like, anything. I will need it when I come back from the doctor, trufax.

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AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! *SQUISHY*

Merlin's agreed to many terrifying things when Arthur's bathing. Many things.

I understand completely! *pictures* *repeatedly*

Purge of winesellers! Hee!

Winesellers are dark creatures. And yeah, I'd be agreeing to sell my soul if Arthur asked me while in a bathtub.

dude do not apologize, this is amaaaaazing. "Gaius asked me if I was gentle," Arthur says, staring at the wall. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. ♥♥♥

Gaius was making sure Arthur was up and up on his sex-ed. If this were some centuries later, there would be condom discussions.

Thank you!

Okay, I love this, it's really lovely! I'm so sorry you feel icky in the extreme. Hope you are fully recovered soon

Thank you on both counts!

In case you are wondering: that was hilarious! Cracktastic in a way that would so totally happen!

First of all, hee! regarding the story - very amusing.

Secondly, you have my sympathy re: being sick. Was home on Monday and forced my way into work Tuesday and Wednesday while still feeling like crap because it's "month-end" in the banking industry which means tons of crap must be done. Seriously, I was chasing my sudophed with cough syrup just to function and still went through a box of tissues.

*offers you juice and cookies and wishes of getting better* This current crap going around thoroughly sucks.

*sniffles* Thank you. My nose hurts liek whoa right now. Gah.

That was hilarious!

*giggling hysterically*

Fun!

I hope you get better soon :D

Thanks! *sniffles* I hope so too.

Thanks for starting my day out with a smile!

Merlin's agreed to many terrifying things when Arthur's bathing. Many things.)
Of course he has! *nods*

"I can't face another inquiry on my virtue, Arthur. It's not happening. It's not."
Ahahahaaa! Err. I mean, poor boys. *pats them*

*giggles* Their lives can be really hard, you know?

and thinks of horrible purges of winesellers throughout the world for their foul discovery of what happens when grapes sit too long in large casks.

Oh how I know that feeling *g*. This was delightful and so much fun. Thanks for the laughs and I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you! And me too. I am hoping by Monday? *mulls*

I am mostly sorry that you feel bad. Since that produced this piece of awesomeness, I am not 100% sorry ;)

Ahahahah. You know the whole castle has been waited with bated breath for the next development in the Merlin-Arthur soap opera, and it's like those fans who hear false spoilers and refuse to believe that someone lied to them.

I predict that Merlin just gets so fed up with the gossip and the knowing smiles and the whispers that he decides if he has to pay for the crime, he might as well be committing it. And Arthur cannot argue with his logic. *nods*

This is a brilliant approach. *nods* Yes.

This is brilliant, and is distracting me from beating my university's registration site to death with a heavy book. *g*

Basically, YES. Arthur's sense of humor is WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE, at least in Merlin's mind, but really, it could be SO MUCH WORSE. At least when there's four feet of snow outside, he concedes that it could be rather difficult to do drills, and that Merlin can go and melt buckets of snow rather than accompany Arthur when he goes to check on the villagers. But then, when Arthur comes back, nearly frozen of course, Merlin has to deal with him. ;)

And you know, although they didn't have sex this time, THERE WAS KISSING. *smirks*

*cracks up hysterically* Oh, I really needed this today. Absolutely hilarious, and I hope you start feeling better soon.

Thank you! And me too. *hopeful*

Oh, this is *awesome* and hilarious.

I'm sorry you got sick while visiting Chicago, though.

Thank you!

I don't blame Chicago. I blame Texas for being a jealous bitch. It does not like me having other states, you know?

AHAHAHAAHAHAHA OH MY GOD. THAT WOULD SO HAPPEN TO THEM.

*dies*

IT WOULD. AND OF COURSE NO ONE BELIEVES THEM.

YAY.

Now I can't stop giggling. It was nice and short and could completely happen, and you really ought to continue it.

Get better soon, all right?

thank you! And trying very hard.

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Yes, Morgana and Uther totally will make their lives hell with their tender concerns. *shivers*

camped out in front of the hearth in nothing but his unlaced shirt and trousers, with three skins of wine and a wide, brilliant smile.

hi friday HI! i'll have a pint of lager and lime please. love this. what's more frightening, being complimented by uther or questioned by gaius?

Hee! I think both, tbh.

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